A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

Do you do custom work? she asks the artist.

Why of course!

Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.

No problem, says the artist. Strip from the waist down and get upon the table.

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

That doesn't look like them! she complains loudly.

Oh yes it does, the artist says indignantly, and I can prove it. With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

Well, what do you think? the woman asks, spreading her legs.
Do you know who these men are?

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says.

I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was
not in their bed.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in front of him, in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering
when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat
of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and
said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..............

"I would have gotten out today."

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, “Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

That's the kind of Joke that make you say;


Gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwdddd...lmao

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say “I still live with my parents and my brother and I share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say “lettuce” and if you want to go faster say “tomatos”

So they were getting it on and she was screaming “lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos”

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said;

“Could you two stop making sandwiches you're getting mayonnaise on me”!!

Corny one....but cute...lol

...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?


...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?


...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?


...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?


...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.


...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.


...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.


...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.


...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.


...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.


...your tire gauge lets half the air out in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.


...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.


...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.


...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.


...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big **** or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends - because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the
local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Did you know they now have Viagra in a nose spray?
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It's for ****heads!

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.

A man wanted to go hunting, but he couldn't find anyone to go with him. As a last resort, he asked the town drunk to tag along.

The next morning, the drunk was ready and waiting, with a fifth of whiskey. When they got to the woods the old drunk took a seat under a large oak tree. The other man went off to his stand, and told the drunk to make as little noise as possible.

A few hours had passed, so the man went back to check on the drunk. As he got closer, he could hear terrifying screams coming from the drunk. The man yells at the drunk, "I told you to keep it quiet!"

The drunk explains, "I know, I know... but when I sat in a bed of fire ants, I didn't make any noise. Then, when a snake slithered across my feet, I kept quiet. But, I just couldn't take it any longer when that damn squirrel came back for my second nut!"

It's never too early for a good laugh....lol

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, " Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, " What's the 6-pack for? "

The father replies, " Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, " Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for....."

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.

"Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed.

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

awwww.....ty....so do I