Good....that means I'm doing my job...lol

Guy goes into a bar. Bartender says "what'll ya have, fella?"

Guy says: "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

Barkeep fills the order, hands it to the guy, who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

Barkeep leans over the counter, motions to the guy, looks left & right, and whispers "Friend, I know this ain't none of my business, but you know, I used to stutter a whole lot. But my wife found the cure. You interested?"

"Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sure" says the Guy. Barkeep looks again, left & right.

"My wife heard about this cure: she performed all *kinds* of magical, passionate, kinky sex on me and with me and I was cured right then and there."

Guy thanks the bartender, tips him generously, and leaves.

A week later the guy comes back into the bar.

"What'll it be tonight, Friend?" asks the barkeep.

Guy: "Yes, my good man, would you please mix for me one of your stupendous Scotch and Sodas, please?"

Barkeep: "Sure thing, Friend, and your speech is incredible. Glad to see you got rid of your stuttering"

Guy: "Thank you, kind sir. And may I say that you have a very nice house."

Lol...true...never thought of it that way.

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"

Nope...lol

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Think Carnival....lol

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity.

They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill - there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, "So, how was I?"

She replied, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

That's just wrong huh? lmao

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

This guy is sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy. His friend arrives and sits down beside him. "Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend.

"Oh, its my wife, she beats me at everything we compete at. Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards...just everything."

The friend orders a beer and pauses to think. "I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest."

"A pissing contest?"

"Surely you can out distance her on that...do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference."

"Ok, I'll do it."

So he goes home and says to his wife, "I challenge you to distance pissing contest. We'll meet on the front lawn after dark."

So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest. After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first. So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower.

Hubby steps up, drops his drawers, and grabs his "equipment". His wife says, "Ah, no, dear. No hands allowed."

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to their mountain cabin hideaway, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and beat him to death.

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

* Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

* Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

* Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

* Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of Saran Wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.

* When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Snicker and say "Oops, I thought it was the brake.

* When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the clutch and say, "Oops!"

* Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

* After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

* Fill your car with beer bottles.

* The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

* In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

* Swear at everybody on the road.

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

lol...good one

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"