A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

The New Priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the Old Priest to sit in on his sessions. The New Priest hears a couple of confessions, then the Old Priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The Old Priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The New Priest tries this.

The Old Priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The New Priest says those things.

The Old Priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No ****?!? What happened next?"

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

Two Rednecks are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm ... five?"

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 feet 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted HIM back!"

LOL....love the pic

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. The woman signals No, desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and licks the crack of her butt. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Q. What gets longer when pulled, fits between your breasts, inserts neatly in a hole & works best when jerked?
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A. A Seatbelt!

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses - will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side
down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the
argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt you child must wear today will be the only one that needs
to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than
other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next
ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the
treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of
the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically
increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.

male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.

male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."

male: The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2
minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to
make sure it's good.

male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad,
prior to tossing it out.

That's hilarious!

Anytime.....lol

There.....I changed it to read Woman......lol