After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a louisville slugger baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I?ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "or are you going back to the DMV?"

Good One....lol

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.

These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar.

"I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"

"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

LOL....I just saw your reply....too funny

A man went out to a bar with his buddies late one night, and he got so drunk he ended up having sex with a girl at the bar. He knew his wife would be livid when she realized what he had done, so before he went home, he rubbed chalk on his hands. He walked through the door at around the crack of dawn, and his wife yelled, "Where have you been?!"
"I went out with my buddies to a bar," he replied, "and I ended up getting laid by this girl at the bar."

"Let me see your hands," she screamed, so he showed her the chalk on his hands. "You damn liar!" she exclaimed, "You went late-night bowling again, didn't you?!"

Copy away.....lol

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up."

Sandra and Cindy were talking about Sandra"s Friday night at the local pub.
Sandra was saying, "...and then the creep said, 'Why don't we play carpenter? We'll both get hammered; then I'll nail you'!"

Cindy replied, "Oh, gross! What did you say?"

Sandra answered smugly, "I said, 'No, thanks! You didn't bring enough wood'."

This is one of those jokes that make you say.................Gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd......lol

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing:

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".