awwwww.....so sad.....lol

You believe every dog is a lap dog.
If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood and you know their names.
You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
You talk to your dog when you are driving and he answers.
Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

So?? Who owns who in your household??

That's great.....good one...lol

Always did like that one.....good one....lol

Definitely not me either

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut....she is eating a snack cake... the barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie."

"I know, "she replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."

Sometimes.........When you cry.......no one sees your tears........

Sometimes.........When you are worried........no one sees your pain.........

Sometimes.........When you are happy.......no one sees your smile........

But fart just one time....................

A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.

"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.

"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.

"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.

The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"

"Holy ****!" screams the drunk; "They got me girlfriend too!"

love that picture....lmao

A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary.

The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"

After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long.

He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he do what he did at this age.

The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes. Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what, WHAT?"

The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand, and then we make a bet."

The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"

If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the husband replied with a smirk.

The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"

"Then we both win," says the old man.

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the *****es."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can�t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."

I didn't mean to post this joke twice.....lol

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Where'd you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."