Merry Christmas, from Jacksonville (EastTexas) just south of Tyler

Wal Mart has everything !

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this
very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to
you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old times sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good
idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye
on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by
walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his t rousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves
in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally,
they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to
ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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In the US you can die of old age while running appeal after appeal. If
found guilty by a jury of 12 of their piers, then get a rope and go to
the closest tree on the courthouse lawn and hang them publicly. I think
the crime rate would drop considerable in this country then. As to the
cases refered to in Ohio, take him out of the cell, down the stairs and
hang him on the closest tree, do not waste anymore of the taxpayers
money. An the overweight prisoner in Washington, who excuted the bank
tellers, had him a pistol with one shell and tell him he has 3 minutes
or the state will do it for him. An definantily don't waste the taxpayer
money on a kidney transplant.If this is offensive or cruel, sorry, but
they have all been convicted of cruel crimes. We have prisoners in texas
on deathrow for 20 years or more. I think it is stupid to continue to
waste the taxpayers money in this fashion. I have one more small beef
with the judical system too. I do not think convicted felons should live
in air conditioned, central heated, color satallite TV cells. I have a
real problem when a criminal lives better than many (including me) hard
working honest American citzens......

Way too funny, thanks for a great laugh

Funny and Cool too

Worthless, but very funny

That is funny, I know. I have this poem as a song in sheet music, which
I have performed at social gatherings. I also have it as a recording by:
Elton Bass, "Tall Texan Studios", Planinview, Texas. Glad ya'll enjoyed
it.

You start the both timers at the same time. When the two minute timer
runs out you start the egg cooking because there is three minutes left
in the five minute timer.

NBA OR NFL?



36
have been accused of spousal abuse






7
have been arrested for fraud







19
have been accused of writing bad checks





117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses





3
have done time for assault




71,
repeat
71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit




14
have been arrested on drug-related charges


8
have been arrested for shoplifting




21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and




84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year




Can
you guess which organization this is?




NBA or NFL ?


Give
up yet? . . . Scroll down,




Neither,
it's the 535 members of the United
States Congress.

The
same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.


AND THEY JUST VOTED THEMSELVES $15,000 PER MONTH PENSION FOR LIFE AFTER
SERVING ONLY ONE TERM IN CONGRESS!!

Totally to the point, now where is she at?

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year
old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up
pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living
apartment
Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if
she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your
honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex He could fly."

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and
torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give
him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery
since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The
man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to
talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called
his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back
into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out
this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Ontario, just happen the person I wanted a dinner date with was in PR
that night, heheheehe, was a great evening!!!!!!

Some of us aren't as lucky, we have to work this evening, but since I do
a lot of my work sitting in front of this screen,I choose to multi-task.
So I am here and at work both.

I guess $ 260. on Dinner and another $ 100. ticket,plus car and driver,
or if you count travel, flew from Texas to Puerto Rico by private plane
for dinner once. I mean a good bottle of wine can cost a grand anymore.
Outback Steakhouse is up to $ 50. a glass for the goodstuff now. You
only asked for our most expensive dinner dates, but some of my best
dates have been $ 20. dates

Good thoughts, well wrote