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Cooly

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "un-f*cking-believable!"

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.

" He goes: "Not in a row!"

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.

The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.

The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.

The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man.
"She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.
lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man.
"We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try.

"You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.

The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,

"How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Q. What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A. They pull up their pants.

Q. Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A. Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A. She liked to be filled with cream.

Q. What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A. If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Q. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A. Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A. Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

Q. What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A. She can't say "No".

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A. You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A. You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q. What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A. They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q. What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1. Introduces him/her self.
A2. Walks home.

Q. What do blondes and cow-patties have in common?
A. They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q. What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A. Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q. Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1. Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The man says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."

The man is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone
"What do I do with the bodies?"



The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him.

The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said.

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

Thanks Sprite
I still show my friends this too, then watch as they about fall out of the chair, makes me laugh so hard just watching their response

Thanks ya'll, this still cracks me up
Cooly

thanks winx

Nasty but funny, sorry ya'll <---he made me do it

Cooly

Sorry ya'll been a lil busy

Riddle Me This

I never was, am always to be,
No one ever saw me, nor ever will
And yet I am the confidence of all
To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball

Cooly