thank Ya'll
hey an honest Lawyer
Cooly

Thanks Ya'll, Glad ya enjoyed
Cooly

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:

"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and not try understanding her at all.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Don't shoot me now
Cooly

good 1 fran sounds just like my Mom
Cooly

While making love together for the first time Joe was furious when his girlfriend suddenly stopped and lay back.
What's wrong? he asked. Forgive me, she said, but it's your organ. It just isn't big enough. Excuse me! Joe replied,

But it wasn't meant to be played in a Cathedral!

fast thinker
At the produce section of the local market, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The young attendant said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he
walked into the back and said, "There's some jerk out there that wants
to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying
this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so
he added, "and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half..."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got
yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, Sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just up-tight homely women and hockey
players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied,

"No kidding! What position did she play?"

thanks ya'll
Cooly

Q. What is the true definition of a diplomat?
A. It is a person who can tell someone else to go to hell in a way that the other person will thank him for it!

A guy takes a trip to Ireland, walks in a local pub and orders a beer. Strikes up a conversation with the man next to him, I've had a hard life" he says with a deep Irish accent. The man asks what's so hard about it?" "You see that wall over there? Two years of my life I spent on that wall; ever call me Patrick the wall builder? No, No" The guy tells the bartender "buy this man a shot he's had a hard life." "You see that road over there? Five years of my life to build that road; ever call me Patrick the road builder? No, No" "Bar keep, one more shot for this man" "You see that house over there? Ten years of my life to build that house, ever call me Patrick the house builder?? No..... No,

BUT YOU HUMP ONE GOAT!!!! AND YOU ARE PATRICK THE GOAT HUMPER FOR LIFE!!!!"

A science teacher asks a student, "Mike if you could have any element of the element table what would it be." Mike said gold, because gold is worth a lot and I could have a Ferrari in my drive way every day. The teacher asked another student "Johnny what element would you choose" Johnny said platinum because platinum is more expensive than gold and I could have a Viper in my drive way every day. The teacher asked another student "George what element would you pick" George said silicone. Silicone the amazed teacher asked. George said

"Because my mom got some silicone and now she has a ferrari and a viper in her drive way

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? Only one kiss per yard, replied the male clerk with a smirk. That's fine, said the girl. I'll take ten yards. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled,

Grandpa will pay the bill.

thanks ya'll
Cooly

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

A woman calls her butler into her bedroom, Jay, she says.
Yes, madam? Answers the butler.
Jay, take off my dress.
Yes, madam, he says, and removes the dress.
Jay, take off my bra.
Yes, madam, he says, and he takes off her bra.
Now, Jay, take off my shoes and stockings.
Yes, madam, he says as he removes her shoes and stockings.
Now, says the woman, take off my panties. And I'm warning you, Jay: You're going to lose your job if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again.

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

thanks ya'll
It's great to be back, missed ya'll
Cooly

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

Well Welcome anyway

I like it here and have lots of fun here. Come visit the joke forum sometime and lets see if I can make ya smile
Cooly