I'm back, it's been about a year since I've been here so I'm kinda new, just moved to Maryland, looking to make new friends and will be back posting them jokes again. Holla at me. Hey I've even put some pics of me too.

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in
wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.


The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

thanks ya'll
Cooly

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45
zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy
says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended
after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says,
"It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name
because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed
the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the
trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands
in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story
and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor
asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands
it over and it is valid with the guys real name and
information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy
says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor
tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks
around to the passenger side and opens the glove
compartment. There is the registration in the guys
name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open
the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing
there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the
other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that
lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"

what?? I was hoping for the demonstration
Tahnks ya'll
Cooly

thanks ya'll glad ya liked
Cooly

Love is a temptation caused by a sensation
which a man sticks his location into a girls destination
which doubles the population for the next generation
do you need an explanation or do you need a demonstration?

Love is a temptation caused by a sensation
which a man sticks his location into a girls destination
which doubles the population for the next generation
do you need an explanation or do you need a demonstration?




Cooly

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. 'My son,' says one, 'has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.'
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. 'He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.'
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
'To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. 'For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual.

But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?"

"Well," the doctor replied,

the female brain is less because it has been used."



Don't kill me guys
Cooly

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.
Can I help you?" the madam asked.
I want Natalie," the old man replied.
Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
Yes; I know, said the old man. She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

Do you have a picture of yourself?

So I can show Santa what I want for Christmas!

Little Johnny goes to school on day and his Dad tells the teacher Johnny has a gambling problem and might bet the kids for their lunch money. The teacher said, "I can handle it." Well later that day Johnny's Dad gets a call from Johnny's teacher. "I think I've cured Johnny's betting problem, said the teacher. "How?" Asked Johnny's Dad. "Well he bet me ten bucks there was a mole on my butt and, I took him to the teachers lounged and showed him there wasn't one there; and took the ten bucks."

"Damn, he bet me fifty bucks he would see the teachers butt before the day was through."

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

good one
Cooly

Hey Maizy

As i always say "it's never too late"

Sorry Hon I'm the closest I know, good to see ya
Cooly

Thanx Ya'll
Cooly

Thanx anyway Ya'll
Cooly

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the small New England town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and idly chatting about their lives, their families, etc., when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Everyone quickly evacuated the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you not know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied,

"Been married to your sister for over 31 years."