You know you're a redneck if

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor…. to..spare..a..loved..one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't...want...it

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay you car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A lady at a party goes up to a man and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." the man replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

Now would the lil lady beleive ya
Thanks

thanks ya'll, I think I'd of shot em too

thanks Ya'll
Cooly

I'd of got out the bushwacker here before I went Blind
Thanks Ya'll
Cooly

Hey thanks ya'll
U right Chuck, but had to raise a few hairs
Cooly

Good ta see ya in my neck of the woods Bro
Here we drink whatever ya got
Cooly

I do have to agree here. I post a varity of jokes, some requested which are their favorite types, others may not like, it all depends on everyones taste in humor, thats what makes us all different. There are certain 1's even I won't post, certain 1's are borderline, if I ever thought it was offensive to anyone I always try to make to statement to that, but it's just a joke. Anyone who takes the time to post a joke has my respect and should be thanked, not slammed with bad remarks.

We take the time to post a joke
Some just want to poke
So some can have a laugh
Doesn't always please the other half
So why ruin it for all, including the staff

Just want to say thanks to Lex an all those who do post for everyone's amuzement.

From that blonde guy
Cooly

Well Howdy from Texas, Welcome to JSH
Come have some laughs in the joke room
Cooly

hey better yet, here's 1 for both of yet
Better hurry, 75 cents don't go far
Thanks ya'll
Cooly

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host
could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'

And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was
shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

Q. Why is it called PMS?


A. Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Thanks Bro
Sassier you need to read the "Real Man" quote on my profile
Cooly

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said," How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said,

"I don't know, some young woman wanting to know

'if the coast is clear."

A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry. He decides to give them a test.

He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo


This is so true, I was in the Army
Cooly

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

THESE ARE 22 WAYS TO MAKE UR GIRL SMILE. but remember there are consequences

1 . Tell her she is beautiful (not fine, or sexy) but if she's not, go with sexy because she will beat you down if she thinks you're lying.

2 . Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if its just for a second. If you grab her hand, plan on holding it for no less time than it takes an iceberg to evaporate, or get asked why you stopped.

3 . Kiss her on the forehead. You kiss her on the forehead, she'll want more. Hope her breath doesn't stink and that is probably why you kissed her on the forehead anyhow.

4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to. Wait until you two have been going out a while though, this also constitutes as stalking.

5 . When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you. Unless you're the reason she's mad..........then run!

6 . Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Unless you have money, then she will simply think you're cheap.

7 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with. Unless you are tagging someone else and not her. Then the majority rule comes into effect.

8 . Write her notes. (she loves them) But make sure she sees them!

9 . Introduce her to family and friends . . . as your girlfriend. Unless you did that with another girl the week before, then simply friend will suffice.

10 . Play with her hair. Unless it's greasyy, then do something constructive with it like oil some door hinges.

11 . Pick her up, tickle her, and play-wrestle with her. But do not be tempted to pile drive her into the floor. That can cause serious testicle injury when she comes to.

12 . Sit in the park and just talk to her. It's perfectly acceptable to bring a slingshot for small animals too.

13 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, or just tell her jokes. Go with funny or shut up. Every girl within 100 mile radius will know you suck at telling jokes if you don't.

14 . Let her fall asleep in your arms. And as soon as she gets comfortable, you will have to number 1.

15 . If she's mad at you, kiss her. Obviously whoever wrote this has never been married!

16 . Give her piggyback rides. Unless doing that will cause some sort of permanent damage to your legs and or spine.

17 . Bring her flowers Wally World sells them cheap.

18 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when your alone. Not sexually though, grabbing her cooch is not acceptable behavior at a 4th of July Party.

19 . Look her in the eyes and smile. And don't laugh, women have an elephants memory when it comes to this.

20 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants. Unless you're wanted, then it's a bad idea.

21 . Kiss her in the rain. Use an umbrella though, no sense drowning.

22 . If your in love with her . . . tell her. If you just want to have sex with tell her then kiss her then claim memory loss afterwards


Just trying to help ya out guys
Cooly