S=the Symptom
F=the Fault or cause
A=the Action to be taken

S: Feet cold and wet.
F: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
A: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

S: Feet warm and wet.
F: Improper bladder control.
A: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

S: Beer unusually pale and tasteless................
F: Glass empty.
A: Get someone to buy you another beer.

S: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
F: You have fallen over backward.
A: Have yourself leashed to bar.

S: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
F: You have fallen forward.
A: See above.

S: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
F: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
A: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

S: Floor blurred.
F: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
A: Get someone to buy you another beer.

S: Floor moving.
F: You are being carried out.
A: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

S: Room seems unusually dark.
F: Bar has closed.
A: Confirm home address with bartender.

S: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
F: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
A: Cover mouth.

S: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
F: You are dancing on the table.
A: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

S: Beer is crystal-clear.
F: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
A: Punch him.

S:Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
F: You have been in a fight.
A: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

S: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
F: You've wandered into the wrong party.
A: See if they have free beer.

S: Your singing sounds distorted.
F: The beer is too weak.
A: Have more beer until your voice improves.

S: Don't remember the words to the song.
F: Beer is just right.
A: Play air guitar.

COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?

i like that.