A prisoner escaped from jail. He broke into a house around the corner on Elgin St and finds a young couple in bed.
He gets the guy out of bed and ties him up on a chair, ties the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. kisses her on the neck , then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife;
” Listen , this guy looks dangerous! He’s probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in a long time. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you. If he gets angry , he may kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.
To which the wife responds
” He wasn’t kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He told me he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you TOO!

3 guys are on a road trip and decide to stop off at a hotel.
The hotel clerk says I can rent you the only room I have left but there is only one bed.
The three guys take the room and all crash in the bed.
The next morning the guys all awake. The guy on the left side of the bed says ” I dreamt I was be jerked off last night.
The guy on the right says that’s funny I dreamt Iwas being jerked off last night too.
The guy in the middle says that aint **** I dreamt I was skiing all night

Wife not part of furniture, until screwed on bed.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Man who plays with self pulls boner.

Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will
wake up in deep sh*t.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.

Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.

Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.

Don’t drink and park - accidents cause people.

State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.

He who buries a man’s wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man’s dinner table without the subject coming up.

Baseball all wrong — man with four balls cannot walk.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.

Man’s wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue.
One of them turns to the other and says, “You should have seen this woman they brought in last week.
They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks.
Man, I’m tellin’ you, her clit was just like a pickle.”
”What,” the other asks, “green?”.
“No,” says the first, ” a bit sour.”

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they’re walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, “Sure, if you **** me.”
The first man replies, “I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass.”
The second man wants to live and agree’s to do the deed.
The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, “well … **** me then!”
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, ****s her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water.
The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, “**** the water, I want some more of that buttered

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "You probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Diseaz. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look Ed Zachary like you azz."

Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong



No wonder the first President Bush threw up in that guy's lap!

LOL

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an uppercrust family -- well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!!

How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and yelled:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

As I stick my sweaty arm up the vagina of a cow ...
... I think of your moist, warm lips ... and wish you were here now.

The warm and friendly feeling of a cow turd on the ground ...
... Reminds me of your gentle warmth I feel all year 'round.

The stinking, filthy carcass of a rotting feral pig ...
... Bloated in the sunlight ... like my love for you, grows big.

The twitching, wobbly spleen of a freshly slaughtered sheep ...
... Reminds me of your lovely breasts - oh, it nearly makes me weep.

The fresh ejected vomit of a cattle dog that's crook ...
... Makes me ponder on the tasty pots of stew that you can cook.

As my lovely snow white stallion drops a rancid, roaring fart,
I'm reminded of the music that is played within your heart.

The rattling, untuned motor of my rusty Valiant ute,
Jog my memory of your lovely voice, conversational and cute.

The thudding of a turd in the outhouse dunny tin ...
Makes me think of your soft footsteps, to the bedroom, coming in.

The shrieking of a cockatoo being swallowed by a snake,
Gets me joyful, gets me smiling, It's like the laughter that you make.

When I trip over at the spray-race in the dip and piss and slop ...
... I recall all those loving tears that you frequently drop.

As I hawk a giant boogy up, and spit it in the dust ...
... I cannot help but feel your slippery, luscious lust.

Oh, my darling, I'm your drake, and with a bit of LUCK ...
... I'd love to jump upon you and ...
and ...
and ...
let you be my ...
... female duck!!

In the half moonlight
of a sleepless night
I caress the man of my dreams,
in the cold light of day
my dreams fade away,Oh That
and nothing is quite what it seems.
His touch sets afire,
my dormant desire,
he tenderly nibbles my toes,
he's kissing my thighs,
my ears, nose and eyes,
and stroking my cheeks with a rose.
My pulse is erratic,
I feel quite ecstatic,
who is the man with l'amour,
I open my eyes,
and scream with surprise,
It's Jake, my pet Labrador!

My First Time

The sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone just her and I

Her hair so soft
her eyes so blue
I knew just what she wanted to do

Her skin so soft
her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine

I didn't know how
but I tried my best
to place my hand on her breast

I remember my fear
my fast beating heart
but slowly she spread her legs apart

And when she did
I felt no shame
as all at once the white stuff came

At last it was finished
it's all over now,
my first time...milking a cow.

Mary had a Duck



Mary had a little lamb she also had a duck,
she took it round the corner to teach it how to
fry some eggs for breakfast, fry some eggs for tea
the more you eat, the more you drink the more you want to
Peter had a boat the boat began to rock
up jumped some jaws and bit off his
cocktails, ginger ales, forty cents a glass
if you don't like it shove it up your
ask no questions tell no lies
I saw a police man doing up his
flies are bad mosquitoes are worse
and this is the end of my silly little verse!

BIG BAD POO
(To the tune of Big Bad John)




Sunday morning, in the S-bend, you could see him arrive,
He was nine inches long and two inches wide,
Kind of broad in the center, narrow in the tip,
Bobbing in the bowl like a brown battleship,
Big Poo.

CHORUS

Big Poo...oo.
Big Bad Poo.
Big Poo...

He emerged from the bowels of Lady Jane,
With a fair bit of grunting' and a whole lot of pain.
He squeezed through her cheeks with fire and ash,
And into the bowl with one hell of a splash.
Big Poo.

CHORUS

Well, he started his life the day before,
As a nice, juicy beefsteak that was medium raw.
Alfalfa and vegetables hung him long,
And two hot cross buns made him awfully strong.
Big Poo.

CHORUS

Six glasses of wine lubricated his wake,
With some added propulsion from a chocolate cake,
And the big, lumpy midriff that bumped in the bowl,
Was the seed from a lichee she'd swallowed whole.
Big Poo.

CHORUS

It took fourteen flushes to send him away,
But the skid-marks he left clung on ten days.
This wasn't the end of his journey south,
He collected eight tampons and one dead mouse.
Big Poo.

CHORUS

This was Just the beginning of something' more,
There were curried prawns buried deep in his core,
They brewed that gas they run engines from,
And this floating log became an atom bomb!
Big Poo.

CHORUS

Well, he snuck through a valve at the treatment shed,
Where he lurked in the chemicals 'till they ate his head,
Then with a rush of gas and an almighty bang,
The whole plant went up, and the fat lady sang.
Big Poo.

CHORUS

Well, there wasn't a whole lot left of the site,
It was leveled to the ground by brown dynamite,
So they inscripted a plaque, and upon it was writ:
"At the bottom of this sewer, lies a big, mean sh1t...
...Big Poo."

CHORUS
RPT. CHORUS (fading...)

She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."

She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.

"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."

"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."

And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!

Georgy Porgy pudding and pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the girls came out to play,
Georgy Porgy ran away.

"He's very shy" Bo Peep declared,
and some may say he's running scared!"
"Has he fooled you!" Miss Muffit said.
"He's very partial to my bed,
And when he dated Tinkerbell,
he had that Fairy Liquid smell!"
Said Goldilocks "What utter rot,
he's always at my porridge pot,
He may be shy with other folks,
but he knows where to get his oats!"

"Such nonsense!" said Red Riding Hood,
"He's with my grandma in the wood,
He chases her both back and forth,
and you won't hear her crying wolf!"
Snow White then asked, "How can that be?
He mostly spends his nights with me!
He's now a full grown lad of course,
which beats the socks off seven dwarfs!"
The Sleeping Beauty slowly stirred,
and said "I don't believe a word,
Your toes would curl if you could see,
his other way of waking me!"

The fairy on the Christmas tree
said "How I wish that it were me!
It's difficult to have much fun,
with a fir tree rammed up your bum!"
Cried Mary to her little lamb,
"Oh what a foolish girl I am!
He swore to me his heart was mine,
but he was cheating all the time!
And though I may retain his heart,
he time-shares all his other parts!"

"Oh woe is me, I am undone"
cried Polly-Put-The Kettle-On.
"Speak for yourself. I can't complain,
"laughed Sukie-Take-It-Off-Again!
The Queen of Hearts with malice said,
"I've been betrayed. Off with his head!"
Called Alice through the looking glass,
"Forget his head, we want his arse!"

Sobbed Little Polly Flinders,
while sweeping up hot cinders,
"He may be trash, but in the ash,
his memory still lingers!"
Snapped Margery Daw from her see-saw,
"I can't see what he chose you for!
When he's around, I charge three pounds,
before we start our ups and downs.
Since special offers I've denounced,
my surcharge is two pence a bounce.
Which after all is only fair,
to compensate for wear and tear!"

So Polly said, "Don't you look rough!
It's clear that you don't charge enough,
So ask five pence and with that sum,
you'll get a better nose job done.
For though I don't mean to be rude,
your boob-job doctor should be sued,
And really dear you should complain,
and get that face-lift done again!"
"Your skin's too tight, do you suppose
your mouth might vanish up your nose?
So next time make him do it right so you
can close your eyes at night!"

"At our expense he has his fun,"
yelled Mary the contrary one,
"He used to make my garden grow,
until that day he hurt me so,
When I found out that cheating flirt
now chases Cinderella's skirt!
I cannot wait, I must confess,
until he fumbles in that dress.
When he finds out that she's a bloke,
he'll run so fast his socks will smoke!

"Look, there he goes!" Miss Muffit yelled,
"He's sprinting like he's jet propelled!"
That's Cinderella close behind,
I've heard she's the possessive kind!"

And that's how Georgy first began
as our five thousand metre man,
A champion runner of his day,
he now no longer runs away.
For he is living in a shoe,
with wife and children, twenty two.
And though they're running out of space,
from furthering the Human Race,
He seems contented and serene,
remembering where the runner's been!

A horny young lady named Lil
****ed a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
in north Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil

There was a young lady named Sharkey
Who had an affair with a darkey.
The result of her sins
Was quadruplets, not twins,
One white, and one black, and two khaki.

William's Warning
Say I to thee, dearest, beware
Of men like me who to thee fair
Wilt give thee a rose
Whilst shedding our clothes
For more than our souls doth we bare.

But shouldst thy fair hand reach to pick
Thy rose, dear, thou mustn't be quick
To pluck, else in kind,
Thou wilt surely find
In thy tend'rest fingers a prick.

When Milton inspected his willie,
He said "This thing's so short it's just silly.
It's becoming so small
I can't find it at all
And I soon won't be Milt, I'll be Millie."

There once was a girl from Whick
Who said to her Mum "What's a d1ck?"
She said "My dear Annie,
It goes up your fanny
And jumps up and down till it's sick".

There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who ruined his sister's virginity.
Buggered his brother,
had twins by his mother
and took a degree in divinity.



There was a young man from Kildare
who was ****ing a girl on the stair
the bannister broke, but he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in midair



There once was a Texan named Bush,
Who had a most cavernous tush.
He said: 'For a war
I'll be your butt whore!'
Said Blair: 'I'll give it a push!'



There was a young woman named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Dallas.



A maid from Bexhill on Sea,
lay with a plumber upon a setee.
Said the maid 'Stop your plumbing!
There's somebody coming.'
Said the plumber, still plumbing, 'Its me.'



There were three ladies from Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock,
And tickled the ****,
of the Bishop who was confirming 'em.

But the Bishop himself was no fool.
He had been to a large public school.
So he shifted his britches,
And buggered the *****es
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.

Now the youngest young lady, named Lou,
Said as his Lordship withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker,
Stronger and thicker,
And two inches longer than you!

Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
She took a dose of Castor oil,
to pass the time away.
The oil, it did not work.
The time it did not pass.
So if you want to know what time it is,
You'll have to look up Mary's arse.

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