There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is...When the fly drops six inches the ***** gets wet.

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.
You've been on overtime almost a year,
And since you are gone, till way late at night
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

O Husband, Dear Husband, Please don't be a fool,
Working this overtime is wasting your tool.
For better it is, to be poor all your life,
Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now every night you're no where to be seen
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,
Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
I've played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,
So I'll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
And while you're on O.T., we'll proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,
For which there is no pardon, and never has been,
And that is a man who's so foolish and mean,
That he gives up his f ucking to run a machine.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

National Condom Week?

Did you know that this week is *National Condom Week*? Here's a *salute* to the *new* condoms on the market!

Lumberjack Condoms
For the woody that won't be cut down.

Sprout Condoms
Add a little moisture, and watch it grow!

Helium Condoms
For those flaccid moments when you just need a lift...

KFC Condoms
When you just need to *wing* it.

ASPCA condoms
For that lil' pup in you!

Howdy Doody Condoms
When you know "what time it is!!"

Lassie Condoms
When you know she's a *****, but you're gonna do her anyway!

George W. Bush Condoms
When "Junior" wants to take over!

Yawn Condoms
When you're bored stiff.

Memory Condoms
When it's on the tip of your tongue.

Chatterbox Condoms
When you need to talk it up.

Cheerleader Condoms
When you want it *Rah*!

Scorpion Condoms
When you wanna sting 'er!

Jock Condoms
When it's a team effort!

Prone Condoms
When you flat-out want it.

Pitching Wedge Condom
For those special moments in the rough!

Electrical Condom
Cures the shorts in your pants!

Plumbing Condom
When you know you're gonna clean those pipes!

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a **** house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

Chili At A Diner

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili
remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't


"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Guy wakes up one morning, gets ready for work and goes out to get in his car. Looks up and there is a gorilla on his roof. Walks up to the garage and the gorilla growls at him. (Mean Gorilla) Goes in the house and calls the police. Police say they don’t deal with primates. Calls the Zoo and they tell him their insurance company does not let them get involved with outside animals. Unsure what to do he looks through the yellow pages and finds under exterminators a gorilla exterminator. He calls and a guy answers. He asks you’re a gorilla exterminator. Yup he says. Well I’ve got one on my garage roof. Exterminator says no prob. For $ 400 I get rid of him for you. Homeowner says that a little steep but OK I got no choice I can’t leave him here with my cigars inside.

In about a half hour a little red truck pulls up and a guy gets out, looks up and says yup you got a gorilla on your roof. Guy says, yah that’s why I called you. No prob. sir I’ll take care of him. Notice he’s a silverback and they are the most crafty I will have to use my most extreme measures.

He starts unloading his truck. Out comes a ladder, a 10 lb rock, a tub of grease, a mean looking dog, a big net, a giant club, a box of Cuban cigars and a shotgun. The homeowner says what the hell is all this stuff for?

The exterminator says, I have a tried a true technique. I’m going to take that ladder and carefully lean it up against the garage. I will climb up and carefully grease the edge of the garage roof. I come back down and take this rock and pitch it at that silverback. That gets his attention. Then I waive the box of Cuban cigars at him. For some reason they irresistibly charge for these whenever they see them. He’s gonna slip on the grease and fall to the ground momentarily stunned. I’ve trained this dog to grab his testacles in his jaws, and these gorillas no matter how motivated by Cubans, freeze when you do that. I’ll run up and hit him with this club, throw the net over him and drag him into my truck.

The homeowner says that’s just too weird to be anything but the truth. But I have one question. What’s the shotgun for? That’s for you says the exterminator. Homeowner says what do I need a shotgun for? Exterminator says, If I happen to slip while I’m greasing the roof I want you to shoot that damn dog!!!!

I always wanted to be a comedian. But I was afraid everyone would laugh at me. :)

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she's staying home because she doesn't feel well. "What's the matter?" her boss enquires. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says, her voice weak. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" he demands. "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

A beggar runs into a bar and says "bar tender , bar tender give me a tooth pick," now the bar tender is a bit confused and asks,"why do u want a tooth pick?"
and the beggar just replys, "give me the damn tooth pick"
so the bar tender gave him the tooth pick, then another beggar comes in and also asks for a tooth pick and the bar tender gives it to him no questons asked,

then another beggar comes in and asks for a straw, the bar tender asks him, "hey , all the other beggars wanted tooth picks, how come u want a staw?" the beggar replys, "well some body spewed outside and all the chunky bits are finished!"

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- General George Armstrong Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Albert Einstein, 1938
7. "It @#$%ing does SO look like her!"
-- Pablo Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon--who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!


1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this %#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2006

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now." The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby." Mom says, "He's a martyr now." "Oh, so sad, my dear."

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21." "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born." Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too." "Oh gracious me," says the second mother. "And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18." Mom whispers.

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

A group of four guys got together regularly to play golf, but one day, one them was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He played well and was pleasant, so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday, at 9:30am.

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday, George showed up right on time. Not only that, but he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9:30am. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday, there was George, at 9:30 on the dot. This time he played right-handed, and beat them again. "Okay, 9:30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.

George said, "Sure, if I can be ten minutes late."

Another golfer jumped in, "Wait a minute. You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left-handed."

George said, "That's true -- I'm superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If shes sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"And what if shes lying on her back?"

George said, "Thats when I'm ten minutes late!"

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell because the young couple hadn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith?"

"Yes," she says.

You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file, that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?"

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."


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A woman out shopping sees a counter marked "Sex Frogs," and goes to check it out. She asks the man behind the counter, "What's this?"

He replies, "Oh these are going very well. You buy a frog and take it home in a box, and when you are ready for bed, you put the frog on your pillow, and we guarantee that you will have the best night ever."

The woman whispers to him, "Okay then, I'll take one."

He puts a frog into a box, and points out the label with the instructions. "If you have any problems, there is a help line phone number on the box."

That night, she gets ready for bed, puts the frog on her pillow, and gets into bed. Nothing happens.

She feels so disappointed that she gets up and checks the box. It says: In case of any complaint, please phone this number." She phones the number and 10 minutes later, a man appears at her door.

"Show me where the frog is," he says.

She takes him upstairs and points to the frog, still sitting on her pillow. The man picks up the frog and says, "Okay, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."


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Pinocchio's Problem



Pinocchio has just turned 16 years old and Geppetto thinks to himself: "Just now my son is going to take an interest in girls, I had better explain to him about the birds and the bees."

So he spends time telling Pinocchio about girls and making love. Pinocchio listens intently and then goes off to experiment.

Some time later, Geppetto sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

Pinocchio replies, "Great, I'm doing fine, except that all the girls are complaining about splinters."

"Oh dear," says his father, "All I can suggest is that you smooth things over first with some sandpaper."

Some time later he sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

"Who needs girls when you've got sandpaper?!?"

Ma and Pa farmer were sitting out on the stoop. Pa farmer reached over to Ma, grabbed her boob and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get milk out of them things, I surely wouldn't need all those cows over there."

Pa then grabbed Ma's crotch and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get eggs out of this thing, I wouldn't need all those chickens over there."

Ma looked at Pa, grabbed his pecker and said, "You know, Pa, if I could get a hard-on out of this thing, I wouldn't need the neighbour."