An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day, he went into the nursing office and informed the nurse that his penis had died.

The nurse realized that Mr. Smith was an old, forgetful gentleman, so she decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing home. To the nurse's surprise, his penis was hanging outside his pants. "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis had died?"

"It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing."

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, refused to touch it.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know," he says nervously.

"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

and nine months later had BABY RUTH.

One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE. He gave her a big HERSHEY KISS and began to feel her MOUNDS, that was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL! He let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER moved through her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH HENRY" as she squeezed his GOOBERS and made his MR. PEANUT brittle. "That's GOOD N' PLENTY," MARY JANE said. "You're even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS!" Soon she was more than a bit CHUNKY and

A lady approaches her priest one day and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots that only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. Then, your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she noticed his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots inside the cage with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put those damn beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
This seemed to be a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. She thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband awoke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride who without thinking, immediately asked, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced
to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual
lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.



Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing
on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window.
Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the
only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform
the other dwarfs what she was doing.



After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off
her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her
blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off,"
"taking off her blouse," etc.



Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was
followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off
her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.



Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off
her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.



Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded
down the dwarf tower.



Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw
someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's
coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard,
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is
getting dull.

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry,
want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a s.h.i.t on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump
on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."

He lies on top of her, with the s.h.i.t oozing between them, and
she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had.

The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks
him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge
turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another
incredible lay.

As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a
horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more
he craps on her, the better the sex is.

One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he
eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of
Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't wheedle down his
legs at the office.

That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get
undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats
down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and
grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any
substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when
suddenly he hears her crying.

He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you?"

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Viagra is now available in liquid form. Pfizer Drug officials today
announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagra, in a new, easy-to-take
liquid form. It is sold under the generic name "Mydixadud". Now, when men
come home from work in the evening they can pour themselves a stiff one!

A nursery class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

I'll bet she missed #10. LOL

A guy married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant - especially in her language.


She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservations.



She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet privileges in her letter. She finally came up with the term "Bathroom Commode", and that being even too forward in her eyes, she abbreviated it to "B.C."



The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about or what B.C. stood for. Finally, he showed the letter to several campers and they all reached the conclusion that the lady must be talking about the local Baptist Church. So the campground owner sent off the following letter in return:



"Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at the same time.



I admit that it is quite a distance away and if you are in the habit of going regularly it may seem too far, but, no doubt, you will make a day of it, and you might be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, so you won't feel alone, as they make a day of it, too.



They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.



It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.



If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.



Remember, this is a friendly community!"

Many uses for a Vibrator

An elderly gentlemen had been living with his spinster daughter for some years. One day, upon returning home he heard an unusual whirring noise. Wandering around the first floor, he noticed that the noise seemed to be coming from somewhere upstairs.
He proceeded up the stairs to investigate. Walking around, he realized that the noise increased as he neared his daughters closed bedroom door. Whereupon he quickly open the door to make sure that everything was alright.
He was astonished by the sight of his daughter, stretched out naked on her bed with a vibrator violently shaking in her hand.
"Sylvie! What in tarnation is goin' on?" He shouted!
Sylvie, without hesitation replied: "Daddy, I have needs! Isn't it obvious? I know that I'm not going to find anybody to marry, so please leave me alone, and shut the door on your way out."
Somewhat chagrined, he retreated, and closed the door as he exited.
Not too many days later, his daughter returned home from doing some errands. When she entered the living room, she was surprised to hear an unusual whirring noise coming from somewhere.
As she walked around, she realized that the noise was coming from somewhere on the second floor. When she walked around the upstairs hall, she realized that the noise originated from behind her fathers closed bedroom door.
Throwing the door open, she was astonished to see her father, dressed in a tuxedo, with a glass of bourbon in one hand, and her vibrator violently shaking the other.
"Daddy! What in tarnation is goin' on?" She shouted!
Without hesitation, he replied "Sylvie, I have needs too! Isn't it obvious? I'm having a drink with my son-in-law! So please leave us alone, and shut the door on your way out."

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, “I can’t do this, I have acute angina”.

The old guy says “God, I hope so, you’ve got the ugliest tits I’ve ever seen.”