Ever wonder how the seven dwarves got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a f*uck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny need a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you pick!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're ****ing queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his f*ucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow job,
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
Whe he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that ****ing great big d*ick."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My clit can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?

Well think of what you're drinking...

When you next buy 7-UP

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

" No," he replied, "arthritis."

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Confession

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation ”surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

Hurricane Gussy

One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says, "I want something different."

The pimp says "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the a ss."

"No, that's too common. I want something different."

"Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?"

"I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that."

The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later a huge Amazon type women comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can. The man says, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane."

"OK, I'll buy that."

Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head."

The man says alright. Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him. "What the hell are you doing?!!"

"Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane."

The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says, "Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving! Who can fu*ck in this weather?!

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.

At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."

"How come?"

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"

After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no. Why would I want you to do that?"

"Because that's my d1ck you're holding."

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you. The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,said the bus driver guy, you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you. Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, Ha ha, I'm the hippie!! The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!

There was a man who loved his girl and she said the only way that she would ever marry him was if he got a tattoo with her name on his penis. so the guy decided that it was worth it so he went to the tattoo parlor and when he got an erection the tattoo artist wrote "wendy" on his penis and then when he got soft all you could see was "W". when wendy saw this she decided to marry him. for there honeymoon they went to jamaica and they ended up at a nude beach. so the guy went up to the bar to get him and wendy some drinks and the bar tender [like everyone else] was totally nude. and they guy saw that on his penis it said "W". then the guy said my penis has "W" on it too, when yours gets hard does it say wendy? the jamacan bartender said no. when it gets hard it says "Welcome to the beautiful island of jamaica mon"

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There is three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.

The Alaskan woodpecker expressed much confidence that he could do it.

After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home...

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

A Priest is downtown when a hooker walks up, "Hey father, head, $10.00."

The Priest didn't understand and went back to the church.

He asks a nun, "What's head?"

The nun says, "$10.00, same as downtown!"

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

Stranded On An Island
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he is doing alright. But after a few months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean. The pig starts to look more and more attractive -- soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. Hut every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.

Finaily she is well enough to waik and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Questions Answered
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Why are electric trains like women's breasts?
They were designed for kids, but the father usually winds up playing with them.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!"

How come Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex?
Mace.

What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming, and coming, and coming..........

How did the Dairy Queen become pregnant?
Cause the Burger King forgot to cover his Whopper.

Why did man invent alcohol?
So ugly women could have sex too.

What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

What is the difference between erotic sex and freaky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during freaky sex you use the whole damn chicken.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blowjob!"

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
The frog says "ribbit, ribbit", and the horny toad says "rub-it, rub-it".

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy,
I.....w...a...s......a...l...m...o...s..t........m...a...r...r...i...e..d"

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"

The reply comes,

"Y..e..s, .I....w..e..n..t.....t..o.....a.....d..o..c..t.o..r......a..n..d. . he...... t..o..l..d..... m..e.... t..h..a..t..... i..f..... I...... s..p..e...a..k..... s..l..o..w.l..y...... I .... w..o..u..l..d..... n..o..t.... s..t..u...t..t..e..r."

The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.


"W..e..l..l,..... m..y..... f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a..n..d........ I...... w..e... r..e..... s..i.t..t..i..n..g.... o..n.....h..e..r....... p..o..r..c..h... a..n...d.... t..h..e... d..o..g... w..a..s.. s...c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n....g...... h..i..s....b..a..c..k....s.o..... I..... t..o..l..d.... h.e..r...... t...h..a.t......w...h..e..n..... w..e.....a..r..e.... m..a..r..r..i..e.d,........ s..h..e...... c..a .n...... d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d.....
t..h..e..n.... s.h..e.... t..h..r..e..w....... t..h..e..... r..i..n..g..... i..n..... m..y..... f ..a..c..e"


Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the friend.

"W..e..l..l, .I.....s..p..e..a..k.....s..o.....s..l..o..w.l..y,.....t..h..a..t... .b. .y.....t..h ..e...... t..i...m...e..... s.h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d .a..t . t..h..e ... .d..o..g,..... h..e . w..a..s.......l..i..c..k..i..n..g .h..i..s ..... b..a..l..l..s."

Condom Slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your ****
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."