One day I had to go to the Social Security Department to get a copy of my S.S. because my wallet was stolen. Earlier that day I had a steak and bean burrito. It started to kick in big time. It was making a comeback. When I was in the elevator nobody else was in there. So I decided to rip one out. As soon as it bursted out a huge lady walks into the elevator. A few seconds later she smelled the fumes. So she asked me " Did you fart?" Certainly did, I replied. You think I smell like this every day?

My only defect is that I don't have any.

Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?


It all depends on who sells more crack.

What do you think?

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday . . .
. . . of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flour.

As a longtime friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky, at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart

A man is travelling across the country and comes upon a pig with a wooden leg.

This rouses his curiousity so he finds the owner of the pig and asks "How'd your pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies "Why, this pig is really something else. One day, I got trapped under my tractor. My little fella ran on over to the neighbours and somehow got them to come on over and free me from under it. This amazing pig saved my life!"

The traveller, amazed, says "That is amazing, so how'd he end up with a wooden leg?"

The farmer goes on to say "Let me tell you about this marvellous pig. Another time, the house set fire and I was trapped inside, unconcious. This sweetheart of a pig ran through the flames, grabbed my arm in his mouth and dragged me out to safety. This little guy saved my life AGAIN!"

The traveller, mystified, replied "That is a wonderous thing, but...how'd the pig get a wooden leg?"

The farmer goes on, saying "Let me tell you...one time I fell in the pond, and not knowing how to swim, set to drowning. This beautiful creature dived on in, and pulled me out to safety, then gave me mouth to mouth resucitation. The little bugger SAVED MY LIFE! AGAIN!"

The traveller, amazed, but now incredibly curious, asked again..."Wow, but..how'd he get the wooden leg?!"

The farmer replied, "A marvellous creature, I tells ya, a real beaut. A pig like that, you just can't eat a pig like that.

At least not all at once"

Wed 01/23/08 10:04 PM
you did that joke the other nighttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!





No I didn't

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door and looks in.

You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

I'm so handsome my face hurts. LOL

First of all we go deep into the bushes, shoot a few times and then we eat it.

One day 2 friends, Derek and Chris, were drinking and driving and flew over a curve and both of them died. Derek went to heaven and Chris went to hell. Well, Derek has seen all of heaven and wants to see his buddy Chris in hell. So Derek asks God if he can go to hell and check on his buddy Chris. God says that would be alrite so Derek goes down to hell and finds Chris... to his amazement Chris isn’t being tortured but has a beautiful girl on his lap and a beer in his hand. Derek, furious, doesn’t even talk to his friend instead he heads straight to heaven and asks God, "How come Chris has this beautiful woman and cold beer to drink and I haven’t got any of that?"."Well",God says,"The beer has got a hole in it and the woman doesn’t!!"

Did you know that doctors don't recommend people to eat beans and onions together?
Why?
Because you will get tear gas.

I just saved a bundle on my auto insurance by switching over to Geico!!!! Yeah Baby!!!

What do eating p*ssy and the mafia have in common?



One slip of the tongue and your an inch away sh*t!!!

Did you hear about the snail that was beaten up by two turtles?

Its friends were looking for revenge, so they wanted to know: “Did you get a good look
at the turtles that did this?”

“No,” the snail answered. “It all happened so fast.”

What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?





Humpme Dumpme.

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house.
He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house
in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything
he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and
he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he
was, he and his friends all standing around drinking,
getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends
look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first
person that swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on
his joint and says, "OK, the first person that swims
across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that
swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and
all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time.
"OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my
planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property,
all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the
girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all
over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over
the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out
of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower
jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever
see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the money."

"Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want
the house."

"Do you want the cars and planes now or later? " "I
don't want the cars or planes."

"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"I don't want that either."

"Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want
the drugs."

"Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want
the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell
do you want?!?!" "I want the bastard that pushed me
in."

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Chrissakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

After all the things that have gone through and after all the sh*t they have been through. I still can't believe they are together. Who? My butt cheeks.

What do you call a chinese drive by?




Capachino