A guy was walking along the beach admiring the beautiful sunset when he noticed a young lady laying in the sand, she had no arms and no legs and was crying.

He goes over and asked what was wrong. She said, "I am 21 years old, I have no legs and no arms and I have never been kissed".

So, he bends down and kisses her and she stops crying. He gets up to walk away and she starts to cry again.

Again, he asks her what is wrong.

She says, "I am 21 years old, I have no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed."

So, he goes over to her, picks her up and throws her in the water, and says - "there, now you're screwed"!

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his penis in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire.

Q: How do you circumcize a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.

A hillbilly came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Al, somebody just stole your pickup truck." Al said, "Did you see who it was?" The hillbilly replied, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number!"

A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee."

There was a convention for liberal women and one by one they were going up the podium to relate their experiences. First it was an italian woman named Tiziana. She said "last week I told my husband Giorgio to do the dishes. The first day I didn't see nothing but the next day the dishes were done." All the women in the audience applaud and cheer. The next women up at the podium was a russian woman named Svetlana. She said "last week I told my husband Ivan to mop the floor. The first day I didn't see nothing but the next day the floor was mopped." Once again all the women in the audience applaud and cheer. Next up was a mexican woman named maria. She said "last week I told my husband Pancho to iron the shirts. The first and second day I didn't see anything but by the third day I started to see a little."

Why do men think more and women talk more? Because men have 2 heads and women have 2 sets of lips.

Your momma is so ugly that when she was born the doctor confused her with the placenta.

Yo mommas breath is so nasty that whenever she talks, she talks crap.

Yo momma is so ugly that the doctor had to prescribe her a mirror.

Lame

I just saved a bundle on my auto insurance by switching over to Geico. Yeah baby!!!

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer`s job.

Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But. . .you have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don`t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

There was a fly feasting on a wet and sloppy turd when all of a sudden another fly lands right next to it. The second fly farts really loud. So the first fly gets grossed out and exclaims "can't you see I'm eating."

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.

"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?

"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and the Lion King? The difference is that one is an african lion and the other is a lying african.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered a hostage situation?

If you get an oriental man and spin him around a few times, will he become disoriented?