Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

The teacher, not buying into his nonsense, sent the boy off to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then the principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!" So he did and the little boy said, "Oh great, now look what you did! You scared the **** out of him!"

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )

A man walks into a bar. About 5 minutes later he notices that it's a gay bar. He thought to himself 'I'm a man and I just want my drink.' So he asks the bartender for a shot of tequila. The bartender said, "I can't give you anything until you tell me the name of your penis." For example the name of my penis is Nike, like the slogan Just do it. The guy sitting to his left tells him "the name of my penis is Timex because it takes a licking and it keeps on ticking." Now the guy sitting to his right says "the name of my penis is Ford because quality is job 1. Have you driven a Ford lately." So the man starts to think of a name for his penis. After a while he calls the bartender and asks for his shot of tequila. The bartender serves him his shot and then says "what is the name of your penis after all?" The man replies "Secret." "Why Secret, asks the bartender." "Because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

Why can't more than 3 mexicans cross the border at the same time?











Because the sign says 'No (Tres)passing

One guy asked another: "How do you spell clit? With a C or with a K? His friend says, 'You know, last night I had it at the tip of my tongue."

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get out of here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I have a dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "Now who said that?"

Johnny: "Bill Clinton, can I go now?"

Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."

Johnny says: "What is oral?"

Grandpa says: "I say f*ck you, she says f*ck you, too."

What is the square root of 69?

















Ate something.

Question: Did you know that it's not good to eat beans with onions?





Answer: Because you'll get tear gas!!!

Have you heard about the new blond paint? It's not that bright and it spreads out easily.

What do you call an albanian woman with a yeast infection?









A quarter pounder with cheese.

What's the first thing blondes do when they wake up in the morning?












They go home.

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees'!

'What powerful rivers'!

'What beautiful animals'!, he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He looked and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear behind him

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that very instant the atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time stopped

The bear froze

The forest was silent

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a christian, but perhaps you could make the Bear a christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought his paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen!'

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. "I had a kitty cat who stuttered," he volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked Johnny to describe the incident.

"Well" he began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty and the Pit Bull that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was!" said Johnny. "My kitty raised his back, went Fffff, Fffff, Fffff... and before he could say f*ck, the Pit Bull ate him!"

Question: Why is a mans pee yellow and the sperm white?
Answer: To know if he's cu**ing or going.

There was on old blind man that use to pan handle every day outside a 7 eleven store for the past 10 years. Two nights ago there was a shooting between 2 rival gangs. Unfortunately a bullet hit the 80 year old blind man in the heart. But the good news is that he didn't die. Why? Because eyes that can't see, heart that can't be felt for.

Question: What did baby corn ask momma corn?

Answer: Where's pop corn?

There was an 80 year woman who went to the doctor for her annual physical. The doctor picked her up and put her on top of the table to check her private. She resisted, so he had to pry her legs open. As soon as he opened them he closed them right away. He told her "ma'am, you have herpies". She said, "that is impossible". So he decides to check one more time. "I was wrong," he said. "you have crabs." She said, "that's impossible, how could I possibly have have crabs if I have never slept with any man and I've never been to a public bathroom?" Let me check one last time. After further inspection he came to a conclusion. "Ma'am, you have fruit flies." "Fruit flies?", she replied. Yes, said the doctor. Your cherry is rotten.