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Topic:
Paddy Comes Home...
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Paddy comes home from work to find his wife propping up her washing machine on one side with 2 bricks
"What the hell are you doing?" demands paddy His wife replies "I'm doing the washing at 30 degrees you thick sod!"  |
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Topic:
How'd you break your arm?
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Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...
The 'Tell me when we're having fun' kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off into the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage." So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift today and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! 4 There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare a$$ hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift. .. So, how'd you break your arm?"   
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Topic:
ALWAYS Check The Spelling.
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A Franciscan Monk joined, after studying Religion at University for 3 years, the staff at the Vatican in Rome.
In an interview with the administrative Cardinal, he asked what his duties would be. “My Son, you will be responsible for copying the Holy Scriptures, updating, printing and distribution to The Roman Catholic Diocese around the world.” “How will I do this your eminence?” asks the monk. “You will find the latest copy of the Holy works already in your accommodation, and you will begin work first thing tomorrow.” The next morning, there was a knock at the Cardinals office door. “Enter.” Came from inside. The door opened and the young monk entered, carrying in his arms the latest edition of the Bible. “What is it, my Son?” “Your eminence,” began the monk, "I was just wondering, as this edition of the Bible is only fifteen years old, how long have we been making copies of the translations of the Scriptures in this manner?” “I believe we have been using this method since the times of the Apostles. Why?” “Well,* continued the monk, "if this is the case, is there a possibility, at all, that over the passage of time, that some errors may have been made in the translations?” “I dare say there may have been errors made. But I doubt it, as the works were copied word for word.” The monk asked, “Your eminence, do we have the original writings anywhere here? Because I was told at university, that I was given this position because I am a perfectionist in my work, and, if possible, I would like, once again, to make my copies from the original writings.” “The Cardinal said, “I have read your university file, and I understand fully. I believe the originals are stored in the main vault under St. Peters’ Basilica. If you wish, you may continue your work there, but you must not take the papers out of the protected environment, because, as you well know, The Holy Scriptures are over 2000 years old.” The monk promised that he would conduct his work in the confines of the vault. Two weeks later, the cardinal asked his secretary if he had seen the monk. “Your eminence, I believe he is still in the vault, working on the Scriptures.” The cardinal decided that they should go and see how the monk was coping with the task. With that, the secretary and cardinal went to the vault, where they fond the monk in tears. “What is wrong, my son?” asked the cardinal. “You Fools, You Idiots,” shouted the monk. “The word was ‘Celebrate’… CELEBRATE!!!!"
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Topic:
What a Croc!!!!!
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Am I the only person affected by this?
I THINK NOT. You receive a message in your email inbox here, saying something along the lines of. Hi. I am new to this site and was going through the profiles and yours caught my eye. WHAT A CROC!!! I don't have any pics on my profile yet as they are waiting for approval. WHAT A CROC!!! If you send me your email address, and I will share my pics with you there. (example) iamascammer@hotmail.com.  WHAT A CROC!!! They tend also to say, when they have an account here with NO actual profile pic, saying that they don't want everyone to see their pic. WHAT A CROC!!!!!! If they can send pics by private email, then there's NOTHING stopping them from uploading pics onto their profiles. They also give out different locations on their profiles. Ultimately they are African based. Usually Ghana. WHAT A CROC!!!! I COULD list loads more of this sort of stuff. But I must apologise now as I need to reply to this hot 33 year old who is looking for men between the ages of 30 - 50. Should suit me perfectly. I'm almost 57. 
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Topic:
Bonnie Pointer Arrested
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 11/21/11 02:10 AM
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I see Bonnie Pointer from 'The Pointer Sister's has been arrested for Cocaine possession. No wonder they were all so f#cking excited
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Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick, Scotland, were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road.
One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to an R A F Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea. Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style: "Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day..."  
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Topic:
Golden Syrup
Edited by
uk1971
on
Thu 11/17/11 07:40 AM
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: 'Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.' The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: 'Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.' The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: 'Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!' 
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1. The Engagement Ring.
2. The Wedding Ring. 3. The Suffering. 
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Topic:
HALDI CHICKEN TIKKA
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1kg(2.2lb) chicken supremes (tikka cut)
1 tbsp salt 2 Cloves 4 tbsp garlic and ginger paste (ie, equal quantities garlic and ginger, whizzed up together into a paste) 70ml lemon juice 3 tbsp fresh turmeric powder 1 tbsp chilli powder 1 tsp English mustard powder 1 tbsp ground fennel 125ml yogurt 33ml single cream 33ml vegetable oil 2tbsp honey In a bowl, rub the chicken with half a tablespoon of salt, a tablespoon of garlic and ginger paste, 30ml of lemon juice and one and a half tablespoons of turmeric, then leave to stand for 20 minutes. Mix together the remaining ingredients, stir this mixture into the chicken and leave to marinade for four to six hours. Preheat the oven to maximum. To cook, place the chicken pieces on a lightly greased baking tray and cook in the hot oven for 15 minutes. Serve with boiled Basmati Rice. Bon Apetit. 
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Topic:
I Won't Take Drugs No More
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I personally have never taken dugs. But is this what people who do feel like? If only I could tell you The way I see things here I wonder if you'd be spellbound Or would you quake with fear? My eyes are blurred My stomach weak My head is wracked with pain Oh God I swear and promise this I won't take drugs again. My legs they feel like jelly My back tells me no way I wish that I Could find someone now To carry me away. The dizzy spells That make me trip As I stagger round the room Oh please will someone help me To eliminate this gloom I promise I'll behave myself And walk in straighter lines So long as someone tells me I'm going to be just fine Is This a dream Or is it real Or my imagination Why do you stare at me like that A look of consternation Can't you see that I need help It will be hard I know But with your help And lasting care I'm sure I can let go. Just one more fix Just one more pill You've heard it all before I swear to you That with your help I won't take drugs no more. |
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STILL thinks the earth is flat.
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Topic:
My Profile has been updated
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I've updated my profile today.
Although it is a tad long, I'd still appreciate any feedback.
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Topic:
The Farmhand and the Pig
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A farmhand is drving around the farm, checking the fences.
He radios his boss. "I got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he is stuck on the bull bars of my truck. He's wriggling what should I do?" "In the back of your truck, there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it of and throw it in the bush." Instructs his boss The farm worker says "Ok." and signs off. About ten minutes later. He radios back again. "I did what you said I shot the pig, and dragged it out and threw it in the bush." "So what's the problem now?" His boss snapped. "The blue lights on his motorcycle are still flashing!"
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Or any other financial capital for that matter.
Do you think I have a warped sense of humour?  OK. You have to travel by subway to the financial centre of ANY major city around the world.. 1. Make sure you are in a compartment which is packed with financiers. 2. Set the alarm on your cell phone to your 'Ring' tone. 3. Set it for 15 minutes into your journey on the subway when you are sure that you won't be at the central financial area for at least 30 minutes. When you are nice and comfortable and the alarm goes off, all the financiers will look at you wondering why you have a signal 100ft plus below ground, and will start checking their cell phones. Now you have their attention, say, "Oh hi. How are you?" Then. in a LOUD voice, say, IT'S GONE UP HOW MUCH?" SELL SELL SELL For Godsakes Get rid of it!" Now surrepticiously turn yourself away from the others and say, Still only loud enough for those around you to hear, "For Godsakes keep this quiet, Don't mention it to anyone else, but just make sure you unload that stock!" 4. Put your cell away and start mopping your forehead with your handkerchief, and keep lookinhg at your watch until you arrive at the financial district. 5. Ensure you don't travel on the same route for at least 6 months.
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Topic:
German Girl Needs a Drink
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A young German woman was devastated after the man she loved left her for what he called 4
'a much prettier woman'. "I'll show him!" the woman thought. So she bought trendy new clothes, got a mani/pedi, put on fancy makeup, and went to the bar looking to snag the best looking guy around to make her ex jealous. She walks up to the bar, and the bartender asks her "How are you doing tonight?" She replies "I'm doing great! I've got a whole new lease on life and I'm ready to show off the new me!" The bartender says "That's wonderful! Anheuser Busch?" The woman responds "Freshly cleaned and shaven! And how's your pecker?" 
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Wed 11/02/11 04:27 AM
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Cooking Chicken For Dummies! Here’s a great chicken recipe you must try: DELICIOUS!!! Here is a chicken recipe that includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing. Imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me who are just not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Size 18 chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup of uncooked popcorn Salt & pepper to taste Preheat oven to 220c. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck towards the back of the oven. Listen to the popping sounds. When the chicken’s arse blows the oven door open, it’s done. And you thought I couldn’t cook.
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Topic:
The Halloween Party
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 10/31/11 02:19 AM
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A couple were invited to a masked Halloween party, and the wife purchased costumes for both of them.
On the night of the party, she developed a terrible migraine, and told her husband to go without her. He protested, but all that she said she was going to do was take a couple of aspirins and go to bed, and that there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not attending. So, he got into his costume, and off he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awoke without a sign of pain and, as it was just a little after nine, she decided to go the party. As her husband didn’t know what kind of costume she was wearing, she thought it would be a good idea to slip into the party and observe how he acted when she wasn’t around. This she did, and, as soon as she joined the party, the first person she spied was her husband, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with first one girl, and then another – having a little feel here and there. So, the wife sidled up to him, and, being rather seductive herself, he left his partner standing high and dry, and devoted himself to the new girl that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished (naturally), and finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear. She agreed, and they went out to one of the cars parked nearby…etc…etc…etc. Just before the unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her husband would make as to his behaviour. He arrived home at about 1.30 a.m. and came straight into the bedroom to see how she was. She was sitting up in bed reading and asked, “What kind of time did you have?” He said, ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have much of a good time when you aren’t around.” Then she asked. “Did you dance much?” and he replied, “Well, I’ll tell you. I never danced a single dance. When I got there, Peter Jones, Bill Brown, and some of the other guys were there on their own. So we went into the bar and played poker, but, I’ll tell you one thing, that fellow I loaned my costume to sure had a great time.”
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Topic:
Is This Stool Free?
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A guy went up to the bar in a pub, and asked the man sitting at the bar if the stool adjacent to him was free.
The man said that it was, and so he sat down. He offered to buy the man a drink, and he said, “You don’t need to buy me a drink just because I said the stool was free.” He replied, “No. I insist.” So the guy accepted. He then, bought a drink in return, and this went on for the remainder of the evening, until they were both extremely inebriated. The guy who came into the pub second said, “I’m going to have to go now. I’ve got to work in the morning. Can I give you a lift?” The first guy slurred in reply, “Thanksh that would be kind of you. I only live around the corner.” The second guy stood up and made his way to the door. On reaching the door, he turned around, to see the first guy lying in a heap on the floor. ‘Oh God,’ he thought to himself. ‘He can’t hold his drink” He went back, and helped him to the door, where he stood him against the wall while he opened the door. The first guy slid down the wall into a heap on the floor again. With his foot holding the door open, the second man picked the first guy up, and lurched into the car park to his car, where he leant his new found friend against the vehicle so he could reach his keys in his pocket. Once again, the first guy ended up in a heap on the ground. The second man managed to seat the first in the passenger seat, found out the address of where his friend lived, and drove him to the front door. He went around to the passenger door, which he opened, and managed to get his companion out of the car, and helped him to his front door. He stood the man against the porch, where once again, the first slithered to the ground. He thought to himself, ‘I’m not going to ring the bell, in case his wife blames me for getting him into such a state!’ The next morning, the second man woke up, lying on the porch, to find his wife standing over him. “Are you OK love?” She asked him. “No.” he replied. “I must have had one two many last night.” “One or two,” said his wife. “I’d say it was several too many. You’ve come home without your wheelchair again!”
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Breathes
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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 4
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Yeti
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