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Great to have ya Back!!!!  
Thanks Mikey. Good to see that SOME of the old friends are still here. 
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Topic:
A "Modern" Islamic Couple
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 12/30/12 01:37 AM
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A "Modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counselling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife? "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex? "Of course!," replies the Mullah, Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "Allah be praised!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the Mullah. "Allah be praised! Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. Go for it!" "Allah be praised!" "Doggy style? "Sure! "Alla be praised!" "On the kitchen table? "Yes, yes!" "Allah be praised!" "Can we I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed." "Allah be praised!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing."   
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Sat 12/29/12 03:55 PM
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It's been quite a few months since I have been here on my former regular basis because of health problems.
Those of you who remember me will know me mainly from the Joke and Humour threads. I was taken ill in February with breathing problems, and was in and out of hospital until May when I underwent heart surgery. I've spent most of the rest of the year recuperating, and have only been able to come online when I've had access to a computer. NOW though, You'd better watch out. LOL I'm ALMOST 100% fit, and will try and get back to posting more jokes and invading the other threads a bit more again. 
To ALL my friends, I've missed you all, and I hope EVERYONE has had a great Christmas, and I wish you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year. 
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A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the carpets and furniture stacked in one corner. "What's all this?" she demands. "I've never ever been with a woman," he says. "But if you women are anything like the damned kangaroos back home, we're gonna need all the room we can get!" 
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Topic:
Fifty Shades Of Grey
Edited by
uk1971
on
Wed 12/26/12 02:00 PM
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"Fifty Shades Of Grey"
has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof......... Fifty Sheds Of Grey. We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof." "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?" I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt. "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense." "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay. "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up. "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay Album.
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Wed 12/26/12 01:53 PM
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Her profile has been deactivated. Hmmmmmmmm
Andalucia is in Spain |
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Amiable
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300.002
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Topic:
8 - 10 inches
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One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say,
“We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out. Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?” With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Thu 12/20/12 01:56 AM
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticlly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
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Topic:
Doomsday 21. 12 2012
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Doomsday 21. 12 2012
Preliminary schedule: 05.00 - Wake the world's population with bells and sirens 06.00 - Arrival The Mayans 07.00 - Arrival The aliens 08.00 - Arrival of the President of the G8 countries 09.00 - Arrival of all the saints, martyrs, etc. 10.00 - Anthem at the end of the world - 'Highway to Hell' and 'Adieu with small guardsman. 10.30 - Greetings of the Pope 11.30 - Apocalypse brunch 13.00 - UN - General Assembly at the end of the world 15.00 - silence 15:05 - Start of the public ceremony 17.00 - Buffet - Opening 18.00 - Departure of the Mayans 19.00 - Fireworks and football match Brazilian verses Rest of the world selection 21.00 - Departure of all the angels and archangels 22.00 - End of the ceremony - After hour (open bar) FREE beer 23.30 - Award of free 3D glasses 24.00 - WORLD DOWNFALL (Incl. The Final Countdown) - After doomsday Aftershowparty 0.01uhr Return of Adolf Hitler, Sadddaam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden as Israeli Prime minister , President and vice president of the USA-.................... I think NOT.
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Topic:
The Islamic Wedding
Edited by
uk1971
on
Wed 12/19/12 08:00 AM
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A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counselling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife? "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex? "Of course!," replies the Mullah, Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "Allah be praised!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the Mullah. "Allah be praised! Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. Go for it!" "Allah be praised!" "Doggy style? "Sure! "Alla be praised!" "On the kitchen table? "Yes, yes!" "Allah be praised!" "Can we I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed." "Allah be praised!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing."
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Topic:
One for Us Ladies.....
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Curious.......
Posts something like that and deactivates her profile. STRANGE!!!!!!! 
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Topic:
Cough Syrup Remedy
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 12/17/12 01:17 AM
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP.... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP.. clappity-BUMP... on his heels, as the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .PLEASE Don't hate me!!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .You're definitely gonna hate me. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Okay. Here's what happens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The coffin stops.
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Topic:
Two Prawns and a Cod
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One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed upon prawn.
"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark." Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed & I've found Cod..... Wait for it. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ready?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm a prawn again, Christian."
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Topic:
Listen Very Very Carefully
Edited by
uk1971
on
Thu 12/13/12 09:42 AM
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask ' Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'
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Topic:
Sad Entertainment News
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PLEASE join me in remembering the passing of two great icons of the entertainment world.
The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough. Plus they had one in the oven. A service was held at 3.50 for about 20 minutes. We also mourn the passing of the Energizer Bunny who passed away due to sexual exhaustion. Someone put the batteries in the wrong way round, and he kept on coming and coming and coming
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Topic:
Tom's been composing again.
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Heart on His Sleeve.
Why is it when he sees your smile His heart begins to race You once were his But now no more He misses your lovely face To hold you close And kiss your lips To stroke your perfumed hair It is so hard for him to grasp You are no longer there. His love for you is still as strong As it was on that first day You ended the relationship And went your separate way He know you no longer care for him But you still want to be a friend He wonders what tomorrow holds And when this hurt will end. This feeling he had once before On the outside he seems cool But his inner self is in turmoil He has been such a fool. Enough self pity Pick the pieces up And pray the hurt will leave And once again he carries on With his heart upon his sleeve |
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Topic:
Shrimp Penne a la Vodka
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Ingredients
2 Tbs. olive oil 1 large onion, thinly sliced 2 garlic cloves, minced 1 Tbs. minced oregano 1 Tbs. minced thyme 2 Tbs. chopped basil 4 large tomatoes, finely chopped 1/2 C. vodka 1 C. heavy cream 1 lb. medium shrimp (35 to 40 per lb.), peeled and deveined, or precooked cocktail shrimp, thawed and peeled Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste 1 lb. dried penne, cooked according to the package instructions, drained, rinsed, covered, and kept warm. Directions Heat the olive oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring often, until soft and translucent, about 3 minutes. Add the garlic, oregano, thyme and basil; stir for 30 seconds. Add the tomatoes, stir well, and cook for 10 minutes, or until the tomatoes have broken down and most of the liquid has evaporated. Remove the pan from the heat and add the vodka. (By removing the pan from the heat, you reduce the chance that the alcohol will flame. If the vodka does flame, simply place the lid over the pan to put out the flame.) Stir until the vodka is well incorporated with the tomato mixture. Place the pan back over medium heat and add the cream. When the sauce comes to a simmer, add the raw shrimp, if using, and cook, stirring constantly, until pink and firm, about 2 minutes. If using precooked shrimp, simply allow them to heat through. Season with salt and pepper. Makes 4 servings. Bon Apetit 
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Wed 10/17/12 01:38 PM
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Well, as a matter of fact there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." 
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