100% FREE ONLINE DATING
sponsored links
|
Topic:
Penis Van Lesbian
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 05/22/11 11:42 PM
|
|
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.' The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.' 'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.' The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years......you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.' 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.. FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... 'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Di ck van Dyke   |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
End of the World
|
|
So. The end of the world was supposed to take place today at 6pm local time wherever you are in the world?
It's an hour late here already, which means, I guess, that is just as well. Because my carton of milk which has the use by date of May 31st is safe for a few more days.  |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
God Are YOU Real?
|
|
A Special Forces soldier was taking some college courses between assignments.
He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD if you are real then I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The soldier calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting ALL soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me!" The classroom erupted in cheers! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.' Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Yet again. Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me, irately 'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he cries?' 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM,O.K.???!!!'  |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Colonoscopy
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 05/15/11 12:25 PM
|
|
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said thelegs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomachwas bloated, the legsgot wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work,,, The a$$hole is usually in charge Who gives a Sh it!!  |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Bedtime Viurs
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 05/15/11 12:14 PM
|
|
If you receive an email entitled 'Bedtimes'
Delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the 'Bedtimes' message opened in a Windows 95/98 or Windows XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. ***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *** And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone! THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - You're on the computer! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sat 05/14/11 01:30 PM
|
|
I read this on the computer at a library a few years back and almost got kicked out for laughing so loud...my bad...
Cybersex Chat Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does.... Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties! Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter? Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking! Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me lover. Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you. Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses? Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover! Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now? Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my *** back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo! Sweetheart: Bye!!! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Circumcised
|
|
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum?' she said. 'I did,' he replied, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Osamas Latest Objective
|
|
Finding Nemo
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Driving down a country road in Ireland, a commercial traveller was shocked to see the figure of a tiny little man, no more than a foot high standing by a gate hitching a ride.
At first the traveller did not believe his own eyes, but when he looked in the rear view mirror, sure enough, there was the wee little man gesticulating furiously. The driver reversed and opened the passenger door. "Do you want a lift?" He asked. "Of course I do;' Said the little man crossly. "Did ye think I was waving me hand for the good of me health?" He clambered in. The driver noticed that he was wearing a green suit, and a pointed hat. "Excuse me for asking," Said the driver, Are you a leprechaun?" "What if I am?" Asked the wee man. "What business is that of yours?" "None at all," agreed the driver. I was just surprised, that's all." "I suppose you didn't believe there were such people as Leprechauns?" Said the other. "I'm not surprised. Neither did I until I met one myself." "I thought you WERE one?" said the traveller. "Only since last Friday." Said the leprechaun. "I USED to be a handsome young boy, a human being." "What happened?" Asked the driver. "I met this leprechaun, that's what happened. I laughed at him and said he looked ridiculous. He cursed me and turned me into a leprechaun like himself." "That's awful!" Said the traveller. They drove on, and came to a remote village. "This is as far as I go." Said the traveller. "I've booked a room at the local hotel for the night." 'That's foine for you," Said the leprechaun. "Where will I get a bed tonight?" "You're welcome to share mine," Offered the traveller. Tears of gratitude welled up in the leprechauns wrinkled eyes. "God bless ye sor." He said. "The evil spirit that did this evil thing to me said it would last until I spent a night close to the warmth of another human beings body.2 The traveller booked into the hotel making sure that the leprechaun sneaked in through a back door, to avoid creating a sensation in the hotel. Sure enough, the traveller awoke the next morning to find himself in bed with an extremely handsome young boy beside him. '.............and THAT your honour, concludes the case for the defence!'  |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Penguins
|
|
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Then they kick him in the ice hole." Did you REALLY think I knew anything about penguins? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Cough Syrup
|
|
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP.... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP.. clappity-BUMP... on his heels, as the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .PLEASE Don't hate me!!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .You're definitely gonna hate me. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Okay. Here's what happens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The coffin stops. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Widdle Wabbits
|
|
A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally givth a thit !!" |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Best Anagram of a Name EVER.
|
|
Osama Bin Laden - Lob Da Man In Sea |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Irish Sausage.
|
|
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro between them.
'Hang on a minute, I have an idea.' Murphy said. He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. 'Are you crazy?' says Shamus. 'Now we don't have any ruddy money at all!' 'Don't worry' Murphy replied, 'just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got a penny to pay for these drinks!!' shouted Shamus. Murphy replied with a smile. 'Don't you worry Shamus me son. I have a plan' They swiftly downed their drinks. 'OK,' Murphy said, ' now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' Shamus reluctantly agreed and did as Murph suggested. The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!' 'How do you think I feel? Murphy said, 'I can't even remember which pub I lost the bloody sausage in!' |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Osamas Last Facebook Entry.
|
|
BRB. Someone's at the door.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Osama Bin Monday
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 05/02/11 12:09 PM
|
|
Several weeks ago and after numerous rounds of
"We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Barack Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H Obama was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Hilary Clinton. Hilary and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NSA and Mossad. Eventually they asked British Intelligence (MI6) for help. Within a minute, MI6 emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down!" Revenge is sweet  |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
Osama Bin Monday
|
|
Contrary to previous reports, it appears that they DO take out bins on Mondays
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topic:
JUST FARTED
|
|
Bummer I blamed the kids. Bummer being the operative word here. 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
NEVER have baked beans and sprouts on your menu on the SAME day.............
ESPECIALLY if you are in a relatively new relationship. The results during any physical activities over the following days and evenings may prove to be disasterous. |
|
|
|
|
Previous
