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What's black with 2 broken arms?
Colonel Gaddafi's sunglasses.   
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A friend just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well ! He says 'Prophets are going through the roof!' 
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Topic:
Penis Van Lesbian
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.' The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.' 'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is a fine old Dutch name and is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Nope, not ever..' The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years .... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.' 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed ... 'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.' Sincerely, D!ck van Dyke 
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Topic:
Help!!!!
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when I try to access my windows live Email account, I keep getting the following message:
Unable to send or receive messages for the Hotmail (My Name) account. Server Response: An error has occurred. Windows Live Mail Error ID: 0x8004108D Protocol: NNTP Port: 0 Secure(SSL): No Anyone know how I can rectify this? |
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57,030
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Topic:
Now listen carefully 007
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Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry.
But it's one that actually WORKS. 
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Topic:
Spontaneous Marriage
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 10/16/11 02:14 AM
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My girlfriend suggested a spontaneous marriage while we were on vacation in Siberia but I got cold feet.
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Topic:
I Don't Need You Now
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 10/16/11 02:09 AM
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My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed.
"I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" Guess who had to put the batteries in?
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Topic:
Duck Hunting
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A guy went out duck hunting and while he was having a rest leaned his rifle against a tree.
Unfortunately for him though, a gust of wind blew his weapon over which discharged shooting him in his private parts. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra.... She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye
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Topic:
The Things I Will Do For You
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 10/09/11 01:23 PM
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1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy a$$. 9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend". Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. Now smile and have a great day!!!!! 
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Topic:
The Sex Therapist
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Dora walked into her sex therapist’s office and told him her husband was a useless lover and that they never screwed anymore.
The therapist said he had an experimental drug that might help hubby crack a chubby more often, and told Dora to slip one into his dinner that night. Dora did that and, after his meal, her fella dragged her upstairs and they screwed like wild beasts for an hour straight. Dora thought that was wonderful, so the next night she decided to plonk two tablets in her hubby’s meal. As soon as he was finished, he dragged her upstairs and screwed her for two hours straight in all sorts of different positions. Dora was ecstatic, so the next night she dropped three tablets into hubby’s food. After he was done, he dragged her upstairs and porked her for three hours straight – anal, bondage, role-playing, the lot. By the time hubby came for the sixth time that night, she had already decided to dump four pills into his dinner the next evening. A week later, the sex therapist was going through some paperwork in his office when a small boy walked in with a sour look on his face. “Are you the dumb bastard who gave my mum a bottle of experimental sex pills?” he asked. “Why, yes, young man, I did. What’s the matter?” asked the therapist. “Well, Mum’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my *** hurts, and Dad’s sittin’ in the corner going, ‘Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...’”
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Topic:
Eating Healthier
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Whenever your girlfriend gets you to try to eat healthier, just remind her of the first girlfriend who tried to do this.
Eve getting Adam to eat from a different tree got her periods for eternity. 
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Topic:
A nice Cup of Tea
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Mother was out, and dad was in charge.
She was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?" 
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Mingle just released their new Membership charges - $9.99 for fooking idiots,
$6.99 for the compulsive 'got to do it' people, $3.99 for special dribbly people, but it's free if you post a pic of yourself with a homemade foil hat on, goggles and most importantly swimming armbands (DO NOT FORGET THE ARMBANDS) by midnight tonight. When you sign in tomorrow, you will be prompted for your star sign. It is official, it was confirmed by my friend's wife's brother's cousin, who heard it from his nurse in the special hospital - also confirmed by the voices that speak to him personally! These charges are all due to the new changes. If you post your pic, your icon will turn blue (AS IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN), and Mingle will be free for you, and as a bonus you will also get a special jacket to hug yourself (choice of colours available). Please pass this message on, if not your account will never be the same again once the aliens have tampered with it!!!!
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Topic:
Gastro Pub
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Don't fancy the new gastro pub that's just opened near us.
Think the name, "Entiritis" is putting me off.
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Topic:
Me? Behave?
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Me? Behave?
Me behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is NOT MINE!!!!
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My grandfather was sitting in traffic the other day.
And he got run over! My OTHER grandfather can't do what he used to. You know. Bless him.......Bomb the Japanese!!!! My other grandfather, He would never throw anything away.....He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade!!!! My OTHER grandfather.......His last words to me were, "You selfish boy." Not long after that, I became a fishmonger!!!! My OTHER grandfather......Had a metal plaque on his forehead dedicated to a park bench that had died!!!!! My OTHER grandfather.....Broke his leg standing on a doormat......Probably should have explained to him the concept of a Helter Skelter!!!!
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Topic:
Wild Mushrooms
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A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.
Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Bill and Ruthann Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Ruthann wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Ruthann got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them." After thinking about this, Ruthann decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful.She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Ruthann watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Ruthann even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Ruthann went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm." It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know something, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!"
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Topic:
Passport Application Renewal
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sat 09/03/11 12:37 AM
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Actual passport application letter sent back to state department & it hits the nail on the head. Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir: I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (22 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, It's on the last eight damn passports I've had, It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullsh it! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my freakin' address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal freakin' morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for f*** sakes. I just want to go and park my azz on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another freakin' copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the fu****g government. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some azzhole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile.......Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irritated Citizen. P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor........ WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA ! And you azzholes want to run our health care system?????!!!!!!
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Topic:
Investment Advice
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If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. And as a bonus... A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
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