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Topic:
Garter Snakes
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 09/16/12 04:54 PM
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Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why: A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. ***** Ok Breathe here ***** They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night? And that's when he shot her!   
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Topic:
Rheinländer?
Edited by
uk1971
on
Wed 09/12/12 04:07 PM
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Alaaf ausm Rheinland Liebelein.... Noch jemand hier vom Niederrhein??? Komme aus NRW. Ungefähr 30km von Bielefeld. Es tüt mit aber leid. Nein kentnisse von Deutsche schrift ist nichts so gut |
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In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ***? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!) A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. And finally the all time classic: Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
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Topic:
2012 Olympic Games
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Reports are that it should be warm and sunny for the start of the Olympic games.
I feel sorry for the triple jumpers. A security guard at the Olympic Games village in London saw a man dressed in athletes attire carrying a long stick. He approached the man and asked, “Are you a Pole Vaulter?” The man replied, “No, I’m German. And how did you know my name is Walter?” An Irishman was walking around the Olympic Village carrying a roll of chicken wire under his arm. He’s approached by a Security Guard, who asks, “What are you doing here?” The Irish guy replies, “Sir. Oim ‘ere for da fencin’. Did you here about the Irish Water Polo team at the Olympics? Three of the horses drowned in the first five minutes in the training pool.
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Topic:
Have a Great Weekend Folks
Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 07/20/12 01:58 AM
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A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life. 
A salesman knocked on my door today. I opened it and said, "You'll have to be quick mate, I'm running around like a nutter in here." "Who is your current energy supplier?" he asked. I said, "Red Bull." 
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? to see what was on the other side.
I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more. 
'Welcome to Facebook - Log In, Sign Up or Learn More' I didnt Log in,I didnt Sign up and I read a book. 
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." That f***ing spider never knew what hit it!
Yesterday,I bought loads and loads of women's body spray that I'm sure I'll never use. It was an Impulse buy.
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Topic:
Little Girl on a Plane
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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, when he turned to her and said,
"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you talk with your fellow passenger!" The little girl, who had just started reading a book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh. I don't know," Said the atheist. "How about, there is no god, or heaven, or hell, or no life after death." As he smiled smugly. "OK" She said. "Those could be interesting subjects. But. Let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer ALL eat the same stuff.......Grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, But a horse produces clumps. WHY do you suppose that." The atheist, surprised at the little girls intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmmm. I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death when you don't know sh it?"
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Topic:
It's Golf Balls
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A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Topic:
Going into hospital again
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 06/11/12 01:00 PM
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Well. It's just over a month since my surgery and all seems to be functioning decently.
The one thing that annoys me though is that before the actual surgery, they shaved BOTH sides of my chest in preparation as they weren't certain at the time as to which side they were going to operate on. DAMN them. It took me 57 years to grow that hair. 
Now all I have is a very short stubble and it itches like hell. So much for my dream of having a chesthair perm for my 60th bithday.
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Life's a bitc h.........Then you die.
People who live in glass houses should close the curtains before removing their clothes 
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A man was left extremely red faced on the island of Cyprus in the Mediteranean after his testicles became caught between the slats on his sunbed.
He had apparently been swimming naked in the sea at his hotel at Aya Napa and due to the temperature of the water, his prized possession had shrunk as is usual. He left the water and lay on his sunbed, where he dozed off His testicles slipped down between the slats of his sunbed and as the temperature rose, his prized twins resumed their normal size. He woke up sometime later and on intending to return to his room for a shower, discovered that he was testically attached to his sunbed. Hotel staff were alerted when the hapless man started screaming, 'Help. Ive caught my balls in my sunbed!" He was freed after the hotel carpenter was called and used a hacksaw to cut through the bed. It was reported that the man remained in his hotel room for the remainder of his vacation. (OUCH)
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Topic:
Atlanta ATC
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Atlanta ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised." Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R." Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great." Pause... Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC" Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511." Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE." Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us. " 
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Topic:
Sorry. I was just bored.
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 05/14/12 04:47 AM
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After I had been out of hospital for several weeks, and recovering at home, my girlfriend insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Smith, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. Jan 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. Feb 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Feb 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. Feb 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station, and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 5. March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. March 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. March 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. March 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. April 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. April 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. April 13: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. April 26: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest. 13. April 28: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. May 2: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was? And last, but not least: 16. May 10: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
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Topic:
Going into hospital again
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Did you get the IPOD charger option? 
No ipod option, but there IS the possibility of periodical virus scans and cache clearences.
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Topic:
Going into hospital again
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Went back into hospital last Thursday for heart surgery..
I am now the proud owner of my very own heart defibrillator. Does that now qualify me as semi bionic?
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Topic:
Born a Baptist
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Each Friday night after work ole Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak right out of the meat supply in his freezer.
Most all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And when Lent occured every spring, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. Well, during Lent the delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks caused such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and after a few minutes he suggested that Bubba become a Catholic. Bubba thought that was a wonderful idea. And after many classes and much study, Bubba attended his first Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and you were raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly impressed and relieved by Bubba's conversion.........until the first Friday night of Lent arrived. The wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the entire neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the disgruntled neighbors, and as the Priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, the Priest stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 4
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Lynx
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 04/27/12 03:44 PM
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201,304
I'm just taking things gently. ONE number at a time.
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Topic:
Going into hospital again
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I haven't been around here much recently as I've been having some heart problems.
I'm going back into hospital next Thursday to have a pacemaker fitted, so I just popped in to let my friends know that I'm going to be away for a little longer. I'll be back as soon as possible to continue my cyber stalking campaign.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. 
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Six Golden Rules For F***ing...
These rules are so true. 1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day. 2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body. 3. F***ing refreshes you. 4. After F***ing dont eat too much; go for more liquids. 5. Try to do f***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy. 6. F***ing can even reduce your cholestrol level. So remember: FASTING is good for your health, and may God cleanse your Dirty Mind.
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Topic:
A Massive Flood
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A massive flood once hit a town and a man climbs up to his roof.
A boat came past and the captain said "climb in!" the man refused and said "No. I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." And with that, the boat sailed away. The water was getting higher now and it was touching his feet. A speedboat came past the captain said "Quick! Jump in!". The man replied "No. I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." And with that the boat sped away. The water was now up to his knees and a helicopter came to his. The pilot lowered the rope and said "Grab the rope. I'll pull you up!" The man said "No. I have faith in the Lord. He will save me. Finally, the water washes him away and he sadly drowned. In heaven, when he met God, he asked "Oh great Lord why did you not save me? I prayed and prayed for hours." God looked up from his puzzlebook and said "I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more can I possibly have done?"
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