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Topic:
Help!!!!
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I was given a Philips delizia HR 2303 ice cream maker as a gift.
Unfortunately, there is no user manual with the darned thing. Does anyone know where I can get instructions on how to use the machine and obtain recipes? |
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Topic:
Drugs For Women
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DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person." BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.   
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Topic:
Tax Deductable Toilet Paper
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I'm thinking of claiming my yearly toilet paper expenses as a medical deduction on my taxes.
My logic is that toilet paper is, in actuality, a kind of low tech fecal matter test strip. Upon swabbing the affected area, if it remains white that indicates a negative result, and if it appears brown it's positive.  |
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while you're having sex? Call her up and tell her. either that or wipe it on the sheet and put it back in. 
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Sat 06/18/11 04:51 PM
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My in laws were surprised when I told them that their daughter had left me and said that she was never coming back.
They said that they didn't know how I could just be so calm about it. I told them that I was devasted and re-turfing the garden just took my mind off the situation. I'm sick of going to weddings. Every time I do all the old people start poking me and say "You're next!". So I've started doing it to them at funerals. The next person who says I have OCD is going to have 7.09908331771 shades of sh it kicked out of them! From the English Daily Mirrors Website: "Buzz Aldrin's marriage to his third wife has been dissolved after a quicky divorce". Let's face it, once you've jerked off on the Moon, everything else is going to be second best. I just invented a bush trimmer which uses a microchip to ensure the neatest finish, It's cutting hedge technology... My wife went absolutely mental when i didn't get her a anniversary present. I told her I thought about getting her a diamond necklace but I didn't. then she stormed off.. I don't get the big problem. she said it was the thought that counts. Making good orange juice requires great concentration. My wife is leaving me. She says she has had enough of my getting phrases mixed up. I'm as sick as a fiddle chewing a parrot. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me. 
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Topic:
Psych 101
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If you start with a cage containing five monkeys
Hang a banana on a string inside the cage, from the top. Place a set of stairs under the banana. Before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... All the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm. Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana. Why, you ask? Because in their minds... that is the way it has always been! This, my friends, is how our government operates... and is why, from time to time, all of the monkeys need to be REPLACED. 
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After the last playoff game I asked Lebron James for a dollar and he gave me 75 cents.
I asked, "Where's the other 25 cents?" He said, "Sorry, I don't have a 4th quarter."
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Topic:
Naughty German
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I think you'll only understand this IF you've seen the commercials on tv.
A German guy approaches a lady of the night. 'I vish to buy sex mit you.' 'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge $50 an hour.' "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.' 'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.' She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. 'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.' She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?' 'Ah,' says the German ........ 'zat is ze.... 'Four-sprung Duck technique'
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Topic:
The Bullfrog
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A woman went into a pet store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the assistant she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune. “Well,” said the clerk, “I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to give blow jobs!” “Blow jobs!” the woman exclaimed. “It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,” he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true? No more blow jobs for her, so she bought the frog. When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books. “What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked. Her husband replied, “If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re history.” 
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Topic:
Blondes Dog
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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!' (You gotta love this) .... The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
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Kinky is when you tickle her with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken. |
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Topic:
Free Camera
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Got a phone call from a mate last night.
He had just got back from a trip to London and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera. Absolutely free. I asked, "Where did you get that?" He said, "I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar Square and was just passing the time of day with them." After a few minutes I was about to go when they asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me a camera. They lined up as a group against one of the lions and were all smiling at the camera. Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!’ and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!'' |
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Topic:
Testing Harry.
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the FIFTH-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... " |
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Topic:
The Perfect Cuppa
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Recipe for the Perfect Cuppa....
Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So, every morning I shout, 'Two sugars, fat arse!'  |
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Topic:
Would You Get Married Again?
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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would You replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That Would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would You give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm Sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would You take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, Those are always good times." WIFE: "Would She use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- Silence -- HUSBAND: "Sh it." |
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Topic:
Grumpy Wife
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An elderly gentleman walked onto a drug store and walked up to the counter for some assistance.
The Pharmacist asked if he could help. The man said "Do you have any condoms?" The Pharmiscist said "Down aisle 7" The man went and got the condoms and returned to the counter. Then he asked "Do you have any pesticide?" The Pharmiscist said "Sir, don't you mean Spermicide?" The man replied very abrutly "NO,my wife has a bug up her a§s and I am going in after it!" |
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If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It; takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. "Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili) Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy chit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili) Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili) Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone; is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting chit-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic) Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with freshrefills. That 300-lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover) Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety) Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge #3-- I chit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my azz with a snow cone. Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili) Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that ;I am worried about. Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are; full of lava-like chit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili) Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? |
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Topic:
The farmhand and the Pig
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A farm hand is driving around the farm checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says,
"Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?" "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in the bush." The farm worker says "Ok," and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush." "So what's the Problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!" |
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Topic:
End of the World
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The dates been changed to October. That gives all of us time to scream and run around naked. Have fun folks. OCTOBER???? of WHICH year? lmfao.  |
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Topic:
For those Who Have Sons
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For all who have raised a son!
Life as a child growing up in the country .... Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little bada$s compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich. That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old "Dukes of Hazard" fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles). At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... "OH SHOOT"! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... "THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE"!!!!!!! There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "WAS". That sumbich got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: "ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE"!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom . One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bi*ching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life. Author Unknown IN "GOD" I TRUST! QUESTION ALL OTHERS, |
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