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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 4
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Aztec
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Topic:
She Sped Up
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too.
She began running so I ran too. She screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.   
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Topic:
How'd You Break Your Arm?
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Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...
The 'Tell me when we're having fun' kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off into the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage." So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift today and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare azz hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift. .. So, how'd you break your arm?"
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There are times when there is someone who relies on you
That person starts out as just a friend The very thought of them takes your breath away The feelings are so deep It's so much too hard to turn away We started out as friends Your name is etched forever in my heart Will you always be their baby And be forever their heart I want you to be my lady Time surely will bring Heartbreak and pain in so many things That is just lifes way when gambling cards on love one may stray I’d rather together with you baby than alone forever, or even a single day They started out as friends Your name is etched forever in my heart Will you always be my baby And be forever my heart I want you to be their lady We never look into the sun Until the day is gone but oh when light shines bright On a peaceful day, darker skies leave us alone We want nothing to do with you We'll clean ourselves bathing In the room that makes it rain On my own with you, gives me butterflies in my heart lGently we make love, and the earth rotates on our beliefs Gently we make love............... Your name is etched deep in my heart...... Tom 1.1. 2012 
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Topic:
The Office Christmas Party
Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 12/30/11 01:55 AM
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LETTER FROM Ex EMPLOYEE.
To: STAFF From: EX-EMPLOYEE Subject: OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness. Since several of you have openly called me a son-of-***** to my face. I know I must have done something wrong at our office party last Friday. The office manager called me from the hospital, and, as this is my last day, I’d like to take this opportunity of apologising to you all. I would prefer speaking to each of you personally, but you all seem to go deaf and dumb when I try to talk to you. Firstly: To my beloved boss, Mr. Simons. I am sorry for all the things I called you on Friday. I am very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor is your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was simply a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, well, you will never know haw badly I felt about it, and I hope they didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jar off. To comely Miss Ashley I express my deepest regret: In my own defence, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet onto the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure that you will admit it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had. Dave Jones, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known that you were so jumpy, I would never have done it. It could have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn’t been standing right under the window when you jumped through. She broke your fall a lot. People have been killed, falling three storeys. Mr Gray, I regret telling the fireman that it was you who turned in that false alarm, but of course I had no way of knowing that they would be such bad sports about it. Those fire hoses sure do have a lot of pressure don’t they? And the water is so cold! Bill Crane: You rate a special apology. My laughing, when you forgot to put the seat down and got stuck in the toilet was bad enough, but my calling everyone else in to watch, was unforgivable. Reg Hughes: I know how you must feel about my opening the door to the cleaning cupboard so suddenly; it must have startled you and Miss Finch quite badly. When I think of how badly you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent down to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We will have to get together some time for dinner, when the dentist finishes your plate. Miss Brown: The only excuse I can offer for stealing all of your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies rest room is that I was drunk. Also, I would like you to know that I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I had hidden them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Raising your falsies out on the flagpole was a bit too much, I guess, but as I said I was a little bit drunk. To the rest of you, I’m sorry. Setting Mrs Williams lace panties on fire seemed a funny idea at the time, but it makes me sad to hear that her husband is filing for a divorce because of what I did. Now that I’ve apologised to all of you, and I know I will be forgiven, I’ve got a big surprise for you! Even though I don’t work here anymore, I’m going to do my best to be there for the office picnic at Easter. 
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 12/23/11 02:10 AM
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A Jew, an Iranian and an Indian are in a boat in the Pacific Ocean when they are hit by a storm.
The boat is sunk and there is no land in sight. After about an hour a shark approaches, attacks them and eats the Iranian. 10 minutes later it returns and eats the Jew. Half an hour passes and it returns and begins to circle the Indian. After five minutes of circling, the shark begins to swim away. The Indian screams out, “Hey, aren’t you going to eat me?” The shark turns it's head and replies, “I was going to, but I had a curry last week, and my arse is still burning!
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Topic:
A Short Bedtime Story
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Topic:
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.
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I had 18 bottle of whisky in my cellar, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!!!
I said I would, and I proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle, and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drunk one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sink with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I am not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I am not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish. I don’t know who are me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get 
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IRISH BRICKLAYERS REPORT. Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Paragraph 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more detailed account, and I trust the following explanation will be sufficient. I am, by trade, a bricklayer. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I had completed my work, I found that there were some bricks left over, which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand. I decided to lower them in a barrel, using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then, I went down, and untied the rope, holding on to it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note, in Paragraph 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind, and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downwards at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, and minor abrasions and broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind, and was able to hold tightly onto the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks left the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. Once again, in the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth, and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. At this point, my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me down enough to lessen my injuries, when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind, and let go of the rope, and I lay there, watching the empty barrel begin its’ descent back down the side of the building, and its’ inevitable landing on my lower torso. This explains the two broken legs. Sir, I trust this is sufficient explanation for the board of inquiry.
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Did you hear about the Irish woodworm?
Found dead in a brick! An Irishman was walking around the Olympic Village site in London carrying a roll of chicken wire under his arm. He’s approached by a Security Guard, who asks, “What are you doing here?” The Irish guy replies, “Oim ‘ere for da fencin’. Did you here about the Irish Water Polo team training for the upcoming Olympics? Three of the horses drowned in the first five minutes. Sean went for a job on a building site. The foreman asked. “Can you make tea? Sean replied, “Of course I can make tea!” The foreman then asked, “Can you drive a fork lift truck?” Sean. (Eyes almost popping out of their sockets) asked, “How big is the bloody teapot?” The same foreman then said . “Take the fork lift truck, load those telegraph poles, and then put them in the road at the Southern end of the street. Joseph is going to start at the North end.” Four hours later, the foreman sees the man and asks him, “How many telegraph poles have you put in?” “Five.” Replies Sean, “FIVE!” shouts the foreman, “FIVE!, Joseph has put in 26!” “Yeah,” retorts Sean, “But look how far he’s left them sticking out of the ground!”
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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 4
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Lynx
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Topic:
Merry Christmas
Edited by
uk1971
on
Tue 12/20/11 03:48 AM
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A VERY Merry Christmas to ALL my friends and EVERYONE here at Mingle.
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Topic:
Hahahaha.. My New Joke!
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 Don't give up the day job. lol |
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 12/18/11 03:33 AM
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And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child.
And she brought forth a Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger 'because there was no room for them in the inn.' And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord." "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee, who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, Angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property, where such symbols were not allowed to land, or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea, "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and the azz?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife. "That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too." he said. "No court can resist that!" Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter." he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless, the inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies. With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.) An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of a sses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes. Signs declaring, "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ox and ***. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us as Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" and "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem. A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." 'At last, a sane person,' Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again, "There is one thing, though, Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Seasons Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter?'" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in mid-winter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. And that's not chopped liver!" 
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Topic:
The Spirit of Christmas
Edited by
uk1971
on
Tue 12/13/11 02:21 AM
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I had 18 bottle of whisky in my cellar, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!!!
I said I would, and I proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle, and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drunk one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sink with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I am not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I am not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish. I don’t know who are me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.   
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Some people haven't been here that long.
I very much doubt if most people check back that far either, 
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Sun 12/04/11 06:27 AM
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Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough
“sumbich”. That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). A light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't 'sound' flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles). At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can, so I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF? look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE COTTON PICKIN' DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sucker got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport, having what I can only assume is, a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom. One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life. Author Unknown
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Topic:
The Seven Dwarfs Visit Rome
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The Seven Dwarfs were on vacation in Rome, and after visiting all the sights, St Pauls Basilica, Rome zoo, Sistine Chapel, The Colosseum etc. They arrived in The Vatican itself, where the Pope had just finished celebrating mass.
They were granted an audience, and all of the time they were whispering furtively to each other. all of them except Grumpy, who was constantly tugging at the Popes vestments. Eventually, the Pope asked him, "Do you have a question you wish to ask me my son?" Grumpy said, "Yes. Are there any short nuns In St Pauls Basilica?" "No." Replied the Pope. At this The other dwarfs began sniggering. Grumpy became agitated, and then asked the Pope, "In that case, are there any short nuns in the Colosseum?" "No, my son" Replied the Pope. At this the other dwarfs started laughing. "No short nuns in the Sistine Chapel either?" Asked Grumpy. Now looking slightly embarrassed. "None," answered the Pope. "No short nuns in the zoo either?" "None at all replied the Pope. At this the remaining dwarfs, tears running down their faces staggered out of the chapel, roaring with laughter. Grumpy excused himself to the Pope, and ran outside to be greeted by the other dwarfs, who were all rolling about on the ground crying with laughter. When they saw him, they all started chanting, "Grumpy screwed a penguin, Grumpy screwed a penguin, Grumpy screwed a penguin!!!"
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Exists
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Topic:
Take the 2nd letter - part 4
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Lynx
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Previous
