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Topic:
Annual Apology
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 ANNUAL APOLOGY . . . . Over the past few months I have forwarded some inappropriate pictures and jokes to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humour. Unfortunately, this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset quite a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow. If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apologies. Looking to 2013 onward, I will only post or send e-mail with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics. Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris. It is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. It was completed in 1604...  OH ****!!!! WHERE DID SHE COME FROM???? All I see is a gap that needs bridging.   
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Topic:
Cybersex Chat
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Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does....
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties! Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter? Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking! Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me lover. Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you. Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses? Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover! Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now? Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my *** back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo! Sweetheart: Bye!!! 
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Well, as a matter of fact there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room. 
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Topic:
Damned Women Drivers!!!
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This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner. I looked away for a couple seconds! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand, in all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car. Using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damned women drivers!!
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Topic:
Three for Tuesday
Edited by
uk1971
on
Tue 01/22/13 05:38 AM
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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen" Volunteer Fire Fighters One dark night in a small town, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me." But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Local volunteer fire department composed mainly of fire fighters over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these elderly fire fighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the towns old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly fire fighters. A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the 75 year old fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said the chief, "The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that f***ing truck!!" A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up, "Do you remember 25 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 25 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."
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Topic:
Anger Management
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 01/21/13 02:22 PM
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an a$$hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a$$hole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an a$$hole!' and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an a$$hole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called a$$hole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an a$$hole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me,' I said, 'Make me,' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'a$$hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole,' and hung up. Then I called A$sshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, a$$hole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your a$$,' I answered, 'Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two a§§holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. This anger management stuff works great.
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Topic:
People of advanced years
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting?
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f*****g break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a **** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired....... It's important at my age......
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Topic:
The Gender of a Fly
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A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with
a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She inquired. "Hunting flies," He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" she asked. "Yep. 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell the difference?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Topic:
The Best 'One-Liner' EVER!!
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I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks i am outstanding.  DON'T give up your day job.  
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Glad you are better! Welcome back.   Thanks Ruby.
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Topic:
Gonna be a cold winter.
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An Indian chief was approached by members of his tribe, asking if it was going to be a cold winter.
Now, the chief was a "modern" Indian, he had never bothered to learn the old ways, but to be safe, he said, "Yes,,,,,very cold,gather plenty of wood." Well.....after about a week, the chief decided to call the national weather bureau. Just to be safe. The meteorologist assured him that indeed it was going to be a cold winter. The chief decided to play it safe and warned his people to collect even more firewood. Another week goes by, and again the chief called the weather bureau....and once again, the meteorologist told him it was going to be a very long cold winter. Fearing the worst...the chief once again told his people to gather more firewood....as much as possible. After 2 weeks, the chief once again called the weather bureau.......this time the meteorologist warned that the coming winter looked to be the most severe on record, quite possibly the coldest temperatures ever recorded. Alarmed..the chief asked. "How can you be so sure?" The meteorologist replied.....We are certain...... "Because the Indians are stockpiling more firewood that ever."
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Topic:
A NICE Cup of Tea
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Mother was out, and dad was in charge.
She was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?" 
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Topic:
Site down.
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Nope.
I tried logging in Friday. Didn't work. Couldn't even access a cached copy of the address. Yesterday it was up again, but there was STILL problems. Just tried adding a smiley. NO joy?????? So it looks as if there are STILL a few hiccups. |
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Topic:
The Wifes' Cat
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of the animal one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
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Topic:
Hand Job
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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "How a bout a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!" 
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Topic:
70 Year Old Massage
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Last week, she checked into a hotel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.
She thought 'I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.' She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself 'Tender Tony' a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum. She figured, 'What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.' "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" (Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!) Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now, how does that sound?" He said "That sounds absolutely fantastic ma'm, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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Topic:
WORLDS BEST ONELINERS
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People who live in glass houses should close the curtains before going to the bathroom.
The Pollen Count.......That's a difficult job!!! NEVER give up your seat for a lady........That's how I lost my job as a bus driver. Was at my new girlfriends for Christmas dinner. Her mother said, "How many potatoes would you like?" I said, "Just the one." She replied. "You don't have to be so polite." I answered, "Okay. I'll just have one you fat cow!" In my family, I'm the youngest of three. My parents are both older than me!!! They are mixed race parents. My father prefers the 100 meters, and my mother is Pakistani. I was wondering...... Why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?  And then it hit me. |
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Topic:
Penis Van Lesbian
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funny joke, really. However, knowledge is power! Dyke is a DEROGATORY term for a lesbian and is extremely offensive to me at least. be careful of what you put online. Erm. THIS is a JOKE forum!!! There are also many gay men and lesbian females on the site who read the threads posted. MOST are also older and more worldly experienced than you. If you don't appreciate that it is intended as a joke, which is what it is, then you need to reassess your view on humour.
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Topic:
Penis Van Lesbian
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.' The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.' 'I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is a fine old Dutch name and is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Nope, not ever..' The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years .... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.' 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed ... 'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.' Sincerely, D ick Van Dyke
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well welcome back whomever u are  I was gone for awhile too.......I'm just that way......I'm that friend who calls outta the blue or shows up months later with steaks UK, good to see you back 
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