hey n welcome

LOL!!!!

duct tape really works lol

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

woek

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each
Hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across
Her neck.


One of the pots had a crack in it while the other
pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion
of water. At the end of the long walk from the
Stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only
half full.


For a full two years this went on daily, with the
woman bringing home only one and a half pots of
water.


Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
accomplishments.


But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it could only do
half of what it had been made to do.


After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter
failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the
stream.


"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my
side causes water to leak out all the way back to
your house."


The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there
are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the
other pot's side?"


"That's because I have always known about your
flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the
path, and every day while we walk back, you water
them."


"For two years I have been able to pick these
beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without
you we would have no beauty to grace the house."


Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the
cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives
together so very interesting and rewarding.


You've just got to take each person for what they
are and look for the good in them.


SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great
day and remember to smell the flowers on your side
of the path.

http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthData.asp


this will tell u everything about ur birth u should check it out it
awesome

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
> listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
> "God bless Mommy,
> God bless Daddy,
> God bless Grandma
> and good-bye Grandpa."
>
> The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl
> said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next
> day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
>
> A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
> prayers which went like this:
> "God bless Mommy,
> God Bless Daddy
> and good-bye Grandma."
>
> The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this
> kid is in contact with the other side.
>
> Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
>
> "God bless Mommy
> and good-bye Daddy."
>
> He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
> the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day,
> had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by
> until midnight he would be okay.
>
> He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
> he stayed there, drinking coffee and jumping at every sound. Finally
> midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
>
> When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's
> the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the
> worst day of my life."
> She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
> to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
>

This is funny - type out the sentence you end up with in the subject
line and

forward to your friends....and also, send it back to the person that
sent it to you.


Pick the month you were born:

January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the Macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White----------because I'm cool like that
Black-----------because that's how I roll.
Pink------------because I'm NOT a homosexual.
Red------------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I hate myself.
Purple---------because I'm cool.
Gray----------because I was drunk
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange-------because I hate my family.
Brown--------because I was high.
Other-------because I'm a ninja.
None--------because I cant control myself


I loved a permanent marker because I was drunk

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Oh, I'll tell you about that. Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

"Oh honey, I'm sorry!" she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
>> >batteries are getting weak?
>> >
>> >Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
>>know
>> >there is not enough?
>> >
>> >Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
>> >stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>> >Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
>> >
>> >Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
>> >
>> >Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>> >
>> >Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
>> >throw a revolver at him?
>> >
>> >Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>> >
>> >Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>> >
>> >If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>> >
>> >Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
>>bubbles
>> >are always white?
>> >
>> >Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
>> >
>> >Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
>>hopes that
>> >something new to eat will have materialized?
>> >
>> >Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
>> >vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put
>>it
>> >down to give the vacuum one more chance?
>> >
>> >Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
>>first
>> >try?
>> >
>> >How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
>> >
>> >When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
>> >shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's
>>all
>> >right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That
>>hurt,
>> >you stupid idiot?"
>> >
>> >Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
>> >falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
>> >over?
>> >
>> >In winter why do we
>>try to keep the house as warm as it was in
>> >summer when we complained about the heat?
>> >
>> >How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
>> >
>> >And my FAVORITE......
>> >
>> >The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons
>>is
>> >suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three
>>best
>> >friends -- if they're okay, then it's you
>> >
>>
>>

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan
officer.
> She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow
> $5,000.
> The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
the
> loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to! a new Mercedes Benz SL
500.
> The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the
title
> and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral
> for the loan.
> The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The
blond
> for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
> An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the
bank's
> underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde
> returns, repays th e $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
> The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business,
> and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
> puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a
> multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
> $5,000?"
> The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car
for two
> weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
> Finally. a smart blonde joke.
> <@>

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She
tells the salesman,
I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large
selection of pink curtains. He show s her several
patterns, but the blonde seems to be
having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The
salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blond promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That
sounds very small, what room are they for?"


The blond tells him that they aren't for a room,
they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss,
computers do not need curtains!

"The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo... I've got
Win doooooows!"

Man driving down road.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Woman driving up same road.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> They pass each other ...
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The woman yells out the window, PIG!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Man yells out window, B I T C H!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Man rounds next curve.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Thought For The Day: If only men would listen....
> >>
> >>

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled.



I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No
hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.



Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but
kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until
noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk
much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks
to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.



The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and
colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.



This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.



Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.



Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

A COLLEGE STUFENT WAS TOLD TO WRITE A SHORT STORY IN A FEW WORDFS AS
POSSIBLE. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE: THE SHOPRT STORY HAD TO CONTAIN THE
FOLLONWING THREE THINGS:
1. RELIGON
2. SEXUALITY
3. MYSTERY
BELOW IS THE ONLY A+ SHORT STORY IN THE ENTIRE CLASS.
"GOD GOOD, I'M PREGNANT; I WONDER WHO DID IT."

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)
>>Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
>>don't
>>know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them
>>prone to
>>closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they
>>get mighty
>>flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a
>>good way to
>>get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can
>>become
>>bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened
>>should be
>>forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to
>>do the
>>same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything
>>really
>>horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
>>
>>TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
>>Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming
>>for a
>>mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated
>>Taurus is
>>a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate
>>who spills
>>red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the
>>preference
>>for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and
>>barfing is
>>quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the
>>Bull is by
>>any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er,
>>gregarious
>>(full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing
>>to drag
>>to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
>>
>>GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)
>>Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior
>>much--
>>they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's
>>just hard
>>to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse
>>and
>>allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely
>>advanced state
>>of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the
>>magic
>>ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very
>>tricky)
>>with several people at once. They like to order different ****tails
>>every
>>round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like
>>yellow
>>drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own
>>amusement.
>>
>>CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
>>Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine
>>with dinner
>>or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it,
>>Cancer
>>darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must
>>guard
>>against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret
>>parties and
>>insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood
>>style, Cancers
>>are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"
>>(read: weepy
>>when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories
>>(and
>>spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite
>>Cancer. Even
>>your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor
>>vanilla,
>>and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
>>
>>LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
>>Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often
>>fabulous
>>dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their
>>commanding
>>dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware
>>they're
>>darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their
>>limit,
>>probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get
>>over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with
>>the one who
>>brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when
>>drunk, so just
>>try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and
>>hung over)
>>Lion to make it up to you the next day.
>>
>>VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
>>Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto
>>their
>>bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to
>>drinking less
>>than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze
>>neat, to
>>sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get
>>fully
>>shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the
>>intellect,
>>but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it
>>loose when
>>walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo
>>friend
>>used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of
>>intelligence
>>tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
>>
>>LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
>>Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's
>>just that
>>I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle
>>and
>>relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with
>>Insta-Friend
>>device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are
>>little
>>instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room.
>>Charming as they
>>are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which
>>can get
>>them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly
>>boots
>>waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's
>>beau or
>>even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
>>
>>SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
>>Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for
>>they'll
>>smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till
>>they're
>>hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to
>>drink, and
>>screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the
>>sauce as
>>something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering
>>tool -
>>though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration.
>>But
>>generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant
>>conversationalists
>>and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially
>>what you
>>did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
>>
>>SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
>>Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze
>>blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many
>>of their
>>own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink
>>with. This
>>is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the
>>sign of
>>Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?).
>>They're the
>>people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire
>>crowd to
>>travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or
>>Cancun.
>>Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high
>>possibility of
>>loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
>>
>>CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
>>Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,
>>steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get
>>left off
>>the astrological ****tail-party list. But this is the sign of David
>>Bowie
>>and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock
>>star:
>>independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to
>>please.
>>And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble?
>>But just
>>like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and
>>they
>>generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the
>>after
>>party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
>>
>>AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
>>Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well
>>(except
>>for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward
>>know-it-allism, and
>>if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a
>>stain or a
>>stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing,
>>however, they're
>>too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make
>>perfectly
>>charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital
>>drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you
>>can get
>>them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated
>>by drunk
>>people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused
>>strangers while sober.
>>
>>PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
>>Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard
>>that you
>>share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza
>>Minelli
>>and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the
>>dreamy,
>>out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a
>>mighty
>>tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other
>>hand,
>>they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or
>>in crime.
>>With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of
>>margaritas and
>>wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive
>>personality" can be
>>read two ways you know.
>>
>>

A Virgin's Nightmare
> > A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
> >
> > and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
> >
> > big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
> >
> > after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
> >
> > for the first time.
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
> >
> > before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
> >
> > some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
> >
> > the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
> >
> > He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
> >
> > sex.
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
> >
> > condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
> >
> > pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
> >
> > thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
> >
> > house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
> >
> > so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
> >
> > where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
> >
> > offers to say grace and bows his head.
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
> >
> > with his head down.
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >
> > Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
> >
> > girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
> >
> > boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
> >
> > * * * * * * * *
> >
> > The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
> >
> > father was a pharmacist."
> >
> > * * * * * * * * *
> >

well welcome back go out there have some more fun

het welcome football better any day then baseball(NFL)