i wish i was invisible or had powers lol

sorri it didn't say which time zone

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.

'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my
boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job". The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful, nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're Bull****tin' me!
The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

i agree with rebound thing ur were last one left he needs someone at all times lying wont' never stopthat a guy for u i say u can do better

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond> female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to themailbox.>> She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.>> A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail boxand> again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the houseshe> went.>> As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came outagain,> marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harderthan> ever.>> Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?">> To which she replied, "There certainly is!">> (Are you ready? This is a beauty...)>>>> My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Two moons on 27th of August and the Whole World is waiting for...



Make sure and set your alarm clock for this one.



Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will culminate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am . It will look like the earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.

Because although a lesson may be learned and it hurts, while it's happening or the leading up to it can be all the fun in the world.


1. When a guy says, "Either take off your clothes or you can leave and find another place to sleep," in a serious voice, he is using you for his own benefit. Do yourself a favor, leave.

2. Acting "gangsta" near the black fraternity house, Alpha Phi Alpha, is not funny. Angry black guys is just scary. Especially if you are all of 130 lbs, 5'8", and extremely white.

3. When you pull a "walk-by" to get into a club or bar you shouldnt go back out the front door 5 minutes later to use your phone because you cant hear. Chances are, you are still freshly imprinted in the minds of the I.D. checkers at the door and they will recognize you and the fact that there is no X or a 21 band on your wrist.

4. Calling a sorority girl a "sorostitute" within her hearing range gets you a persona non grata status at the offending sorority house.

5. Getting in a fight at the bar will be remembered and recalled everytime you go out with the witnessing people.

6. Just because you are in a class with 400 other people and you are in 1 section of 45 doesnt mean the teacher doesnt notice you sleeping in the cheap seats of the auditorium. Or that she wont call you out on it.

7. Smoking Hookah on the ELV patio at midnight doesnt mean that it will be quiet and relaxing. Contrar, it usually means you will have 20 other people with you at just your table, with 5 more tables out there. And there will be plenty of yelling, arguing, and "theorizing." And you will die of 2nd hand smoke.

8. "The Walk of Shame" is best done on a Sunday morning or extremely early Saturday morning of a football game. No one will be up and anyone who is is probably still drunk.

9. Walking by University High Lab School during morning drop off is not fun. Lots of little kids running around. Parents give you dirty looks because you are one of those dirty college kids. And the sound of teenage perversion will fill your ears. (Just because it says high school doesnt mean its 9-12. Oh no. It's K-9.)

10. Tequila is not your friend. At all. Ever. It makes things sway before your eyes. Light bulbs become overly bright. Friends lose focus. Walking is not an option. Moving vehicles are fun to walk towards. Food sounds good but smells disgusting. And more often than not, you find yourself with you head in a toilet (or sink) and then a garbage can.

11. Upper classmen get pissy when it's midnight, the library is closing, and you have to tell them they have to leave. You will hear, "But Im studying. I have a TEST tomorrow. A test. Do you not get that I have a test?" You will be hated.

12. Just because a guy says he has a girlfriend doesnt mean you wont get any action. It does mean he wont talk to you the next day with his girlfriend on his arm. Nay, he will turn red and shift his eyes unfocusingly off you and walk by a little bit faster than usual.

13. Dont eat popcorn before you go out for the night. When you puke later on because you dont know the lesson about tequila, you feel like you have little elves performing the Nutcracker in ice skates on your tonsils.

14. When crossing the street, particularly Highland, if you are not in a crosswalk you are still fairgame in the game of "Tagged by a Car." The myth about "if you are hit by a car on campus, you get free tuition" is not true. Do not believe the hype.

15. Yelling, "Puppies and SUNSHINE, Asshole!" at the top of your lungs of the car that plays "Tagged by a Car" is not the best thing to do, especially if the driver is another college student, which it will be. It also gets you some very funny looks from other pedestrians.

16. Just because you spent the night in someone else's dorm room in YOUR own dorm doesnt mean that there isnt a "Walk of Shame" the next morning. There is. It may be shorter and you can make it faster, but there is.

17. When something awkward happens between you and someone else or them and one of your best friends, chances are: you will see that person EVERYWHERE. And it will still be slightly awkward.

18. Thursday nights are for going out. Unless you have to work before your straight 5 hours of class the next moring. Then it is for sleeping.

19. Saturday morning practice is done best sober and not hungover. You just arent up to par when you are still slurring your speech and you have a headache the size of Alaska.

20. Turn off your phone when you go out for the night. It's best to not pick it up and start calling random people. You usually say things that get you in trouble and give you a reputation.

to bad it really wasn't the dog cuz they can fart bad tooo

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.

"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring
cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl
friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got
so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the
ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.



2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got
on your penis.



3) Or finding out your penis fits through your
wedding ring.

Q: What's red, white and blue and makes the entire community happy?

A: Smurfette deep-throating a candy cane

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.

The note read:

Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love, Bobby

PS:The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!