I'm the world's biggest failure. I have no food in the kitchen, i can't find a part time job to help with money problems, and i can't bring myself to call my Dad for help. My life is going no where, any dreams I have are now gone, i'm just here in body but my spirit is shattered. I'm ready to jump a cliff at this point.

((allen))call dad for a loan.this is but a temp setback.Have you thought of cleaning houses or offices on the side?good money in it ..put flyers in the grocery stores and such.you'd be amazed at the demand.one good house could solve your delimma.

sorry i haven't been on in a couple days.........been depressed because i ran out of abilify..........and my and the ex's anniversay is coming in a couple weeks...........THIS BITES!

Sorry things are going so bad for everyone.
Karen - wish you hadn't deactivated. I didn't get on hardly at all this weekend, not feeling well and just laid low. I understand your frustration. Don't let the others get to you, you art is great and it is your passion, so chase your dream and don't let others get to you. I agree with not loaning other people your supplies or cigarettes, you need to take care of you, let them get their own. Time for you to take care of yourself. Congratulations on the scholarship, that is just awesome, I knew you had the talent.

Jax - I understand about hating your job and backbiters. Have been dealing with them at my job too. My job is boring, but it pays decently and don't have much choice in my life right now. You know what they say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" - I have been doing that with the backbiters for some time now, only way to try to protect myself. Have a psycho manager that has been out for me for some time, so avoid her as much as possible. We just have to do our best at our jobs and hope things get better. You need to get your tooth fixed though, ignoring it will only make it worse, you don't want it to get infected and abscess, then it is much worse. Go to your doctor and ask him for something to calm you down for the appointment, Xanax, lorazepam, some mild sedative, or have them use the nitrous oxide?? That will relax you. But ignoring it only makes it worse. Hope things get better soon.

Mac - this is a good place to come when you are feeling down and need some support. We all deal with different forms of depression. I hope you are feeling better today. Feel free to come in here anytime and hopefully someone will be on and talk to you, we all work different shifts so it is hard to know who is on at which time. But welcome to the thread.

Allen - Jax's idea about cleaning houses on the side was a good one. Lots of people pay to have their homes cleaned and it pays pretty well. Jobs are tight right now, even around here, I hope you can find something to supplement, but I agree with her, call your dad for a loan to get by. You need to do what you have to to get by, tell him you are looking for a part-time job to supplement. Good luck.

Amber - anniversary dates of important dates are always hard and depressing, whether they are anniversaries of deaths, or marriage anniversaries, or divorces, etc., but hang in there. Try to do something special for yourself to distract yourself. Get together with friends or go to a movie, do something fun so you are not alone on that night, that would make it easier to get through the night. Just a thought.

My week has been okay, been fighting a headache, trying to catch a cold I think. Finally signed the papers on the house this weekend, so both good and bad, is finally getting settled, but now have an even bigger house payment, so some panic in that. But want to fix it up some and then sell the sucker and get out from under it. My dad is still on my nerves, but that is normal, told my brother he could take the barbecue (another thing I am paying for with this house loan - also paying for the travel trailer he signed over to him last spring which cost $7500) but guess I should be used to it by now. He signed over the pickup to him too, so he now has 3 pickups and when I need to haul something, I have to hire someone with a pickup, heck that makes sense to me. Baby brother got everything of value, I got all the bills, but that is what has happened since 2003, so no sense worrying about it now, right???

Hope you all have a good week and things get better for you. Take care.

karen

ya its hard i know.. hopefully you will keep on your path.

Alan.. I understand how you feel. I haven't had a date3 in 7 years and covet a job that really doesn't respect me cause i don't have a socal life.. things will get better trust me

Im back. Others have it much worse than me. Just lost it for a few. Bytchin and moanin ain't gonna help none. Everyone have a good day.

(((((((((Oh Marie))))))))))) You are such a tower of love. You always put everyone else first before yourself. I'm sorry your family is being sh!tty to you. That's just not right! I am glad you got things going with the house though and I will pray that you can sell it asap, and get some relief.

Allen, sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time. I know how it is to have to eat crackers and water. The house cleaning is a good idea and it might just work. Try it. The worst that can happen is that no one answers the ads. I do hope that you can bring yourself to ask for help. I know I hide my head everytine I have to ask and now my family is so broke, they can help even thought they want to.

Mac, I'm sorry that your first impression of me was a rant. I really don't do that very often. Ask anyone. I am not *****y like that the majority of the time. I started this thread for everyone to support each other and I blew right passed everyone and went on a rant. Welcome and I hope that you will come in more often. It really is a good place to come if you need to talk to someone, or just rant .........

Amber, hon Im sorry you are so down. I know how you feel and holidays are like that for me. Valentines coming up doesn't help, but come in and keep us company, ok? Always glad to hear from you. I hope you can get your meds too. Let us know how that goes. Running out is not good. Your body gets used to it and running out and having to cold turkey it is hard on your body and your mind. Call the Dr and keep us informed ok?

(((Jeff))) Keep on keeping on. You have been with us from the start. Your help is appreciated and Im glad that you had something helpful to say to Allen. Dont let the back biters get to you. Ignore them and just do like you said, go at your own bodies pace.

Hugs to all of you. I love you all so much and feel like a sh!t for ditching out like that. My mood swings are coming faster lately. It isn't my meds. I just saw my Dr a few days ago. (GOT A PARKING TICKET ) and I think it is just all the stress involved with being in a group of people all the time now. Having SAD doens't help matters. As with any family, there will be spiff's.........I just don't like being poked in the shoulder and told to get out of the way. Thats another story I'll save for later.

Thank you about the scholarship. It was intended for one person but they couldn't make up their minds who should get it, so they split it and we both got 1/2. $300 for supplies ain't a bad haul. I regret not having my mom there but we are not speaking right now. She yelled at me about a week ago when I was asking her to come to the show.

I tried to make her stop yelling at me and told her that if it were the other way around it would be different. She got even madder so I hung up on her and we haven't spoken since. I did call her and tell her I got the scholarship but she is still mad at me, and she has still made a few nasty comments to me, so until she gets her sh!t together, I'm steering clear of her.

Sighhhhhhh, if I missed anyone, Im sorry to you all.

Karen

I am getting real help with my anger issues at work. It is getting easier to admit when I am wrong. It used to be a big problem for me. The nurse said that here is one of those times when she was going to get on my nerves because I pushed two residents who were in gerichairs in a doorway to the dining hall so as to not block the hallway. She asked me what it said just above them on the back of the dining room hall door. I looked and in great big letters it read, "Do not block firedoors." I didn't even get mad. I just moved them somewheres else. What could I say? She was right. On the same night one resident complained that we didn't wash her wheelchair. Before she always asked us not to wash her chair because it made the vinyl tear up. It fascinates me at the home that one day something can be so important and the next day it means nothing. I can understand the movie 1984 now where the inquisitors ask the man how much 2 plus 2 equals and the man says 4. The inquisitor says no it equals 5. Then the inquisitor asks the man how much 2 plus 2 equals and he says 5. The inquisitors says no it equals 4. I guess it equals whatever it equals. Ours is not to question why but ours is to do or die. I am learning better how to roll with the punches. Everything doesn't have to make sense.

My sched has been a real hectic one lately. Full load of classes, art club ICC Rep, extra time in the studio, student aid, volunteer, club participation, meetings with EOPS and DSPS......

I missed my EOPS meeting today like a dummy. They are the ones that give me my book grants. I have to be more careful. ANd now I am the class nude modle two days a week for three weeks.

Im in system over load right now, lol. Like having a fulltime job and going to school.

Karen - you really are busy. See if you can reschedule the meeting you missed. I am amazed at all you do, you are doing an awesome job with all your classes, your art work, and battling your everyday struggle with your depression too. You are an awesome lady!!!

Roy - you do a great job and have learned a lot about yourself from your groups and your job. It is good that you can laugh about it and not get angry, makes life easier to deal with. Did you ever get your dryer fixed???

There was a mess with the house papers, of course, but hopefully they are almost done. The notary forgot one set, so that set everything back a few days and now one of the bills who was being paid off during the closing has changed his mind on the agreed amount and wants more - nice guy, right?? NOT!!! I knew he was a jerk in the beginning. Makes me angry that I have to pay it anyways, was a car I bought for my daughter with the promise that she would make the payments and insurance (joke was on me of course) and then her boyfriend/later husband started driving it, against my wishes, and we fought constantly over it as he was not covered on my insurance, but she let him drive it, so of course he hits someone. The insurance luckily covered the wreck but dumped me, and then I couldn't keep up with the payments on it anymore and they didn't make them, so it got repo'ed, anyway, guy wants a huge amount of money $6,000, about double what was owed. He had agreed to less, but now is starting to change his mind of course, now that we are down to the wire. I am hoping he doesn't screw up the closing with his greediness now. Really hope this is settled in the next few days.

Hope everyone is having a good week !!!!

It is not completely fixed, Marie. The last part that I ordered for the dryer looks identical to the part that I found in my driveway that had got ran over. It embarrassed me so bad when a friend who came over who goes to one of my meetings who offered to redo my bathroom floor that I actually was disgusted with myself to start cleaning up the place. As I was cleaning up the place I began to get less depressed. I didn't go to work the last two nights because they were my nights off. I endured being off from work by going to meetings and watching dvds that I have bought from various places. I have really enjoyed watching old westerns and have started to collect Clint Eastwood movies. At one meeting that I went to where these two young ladies started so that they could have a meeting in their local town they were delighted to see me because they are virtually still new and enjoyed me being there for moral support. One of the two ladies is getting baptised this week and she was excited about it. That one like me is having a trouble with keeping her house clean and like me she is the only one in her house. She was telling me what she does is to make it a habit to clean up atleast one place in the house on a regular basis. Together we could make up a meeting called house cleaning anonymous. The friend that came over to my house said he would help me to get the dryer back together this Sunday when he comes over with the lineoleum and the tools to scrape up the broken tiles in the bathroom. He is a young guy who chairs a local meeting on Fridays and the last Friday I got to that meeting too late so he being the only one that showed had to close the meeting down before I got there. The grand poopah has been giving me a lecture because he thinks I need to do some service work and get more involved in the meetings since I have been in the program for 24 years. He was telling me that it is a family thing and has helped his family. Of course, he is a younger married person and still has his family around him. He has helped to start a lot of meetings and wants members to keep those meetings going since he has just about stretched his participation to the max. He has been preaching service work for some time and is really becoming a bleeding deacon. Of course, if some of us would take some of the weight off his back by doing more service work maybe he would stop bleeding so bad. At another location a new chairperson has related to some of the meetings that his Wednesday night meetings need more people to attend. I have done a lot of service work I feel at my job but maybe it is time to lose some of my workaholism where I don't feel like such a bleeding deacon because I keep showing up when others don't. I am thinking maybe the service work for the meetings is a call for help. It could be that maybe I should try to have a social life away from work. Some how it all seems inter-related. I really do enjoy helping the young folks like I enjoy helping the old folks. Sometimes at the meetings I even meet folks my own age group. That is kind of nice, too. I hope you are doing okay, Marie.

Today is my birthday. I think I will go to see mom and see if she baked me a cake.

happy bday rainbow
hopefully its a good cake

got my new schedule. lost some hours. not many but it worrys me that my boss doesnt like me anymore.. <i tend to over analyze everything). i try to work very hard.

plus (yes i know this is a dating site at heart) but i am pretty lonely and wanna meet someone

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUGGERS!!!!!!

I know I have not been here for a long time but I hope I am still welcome to vent because I really need too at this moment...its going to be extremely long and I appologize :/

Yesterday it was seven months since my dad passed away and I forgot. I have had so much on my mind that it just slipped away and I am so upset with myself because I vowed to never ever forget him and I did. I feel as if I had failed myself in some kind of way, but this isn't the most of my problems.

In my last vent I complained about my fathers entire side of the family disowning my family and stealing my fathers belongings and suing us for the only thing my father left us. Sadly, nothing has gotten better. We have a court hearing (prelim) coming up and I think it will go well -my attorney has great faith, but I cannot sleep because if we lose then we lose everything and my uncle wins. We are not trying to keep anything from my fathers side of the family, they are taking from us. Everything that has income they have taken or are fighting us for. They call me horrible names and spread terrible rumors about me and my family in the town we live in and what is sad is that most of the people they talk to believe them, they dont understand that my uncle and his family are liars. They don't understand that I am a twenty one year old girl just trying to keep the only thing worth anything for my family because if we lose that then we also lose our home and it will honestly kill me to have to undergo yet another horrible experience.
I am a good person, I just don't understand why this is happening to my family.
Lately I cant sleep, every time I close my eyes I dream about my dads family. In each dream I imagine seeing my aunt and she starts to cry and tells me that she is sorry and I cry too and tell her that I forgive her. Another dream I imagine my Nana hugging me and telling me that she loves me....I still love them. Every morning I wake up and I have this ache in my chest because I did not do anything to these people and yet they continue to hurt me.
The mentally challenged men at my old job (my fathers old business)-the one where my uncle took over and fired my family for taking two months off to mourn my dad, call me secretely from their cellphones and cry because they miss me so much, they were like my brothers and my uncle does not allow me to see them. The one man called me and got caught and in the background you could hear them yelling "WHO IN THE HE** ARE YOU TALKING TOO? GET OFF THE DA** PHONE!". They are hurting too. I tried to call the state to see waht we could do about this and they just laugh at me, I guess they don't have the rights I Thought they did.

Lately I just feel lost. My mom and I are soooo stressed over this upcoming hearing so we fight all the time. It is just a mess, we really need some prayers. We need something to go in our favor, once. Just onnncee.

*sighs*

HI everybody (((((Group Hug)))))

Happy Birthday Roy!!!!

I know i have been in here in a while, but I saw my 'doc' today..she thinks i need to move back home..yeah that ain't happening!! NOT gonna make it easy for the sperm donor that has abandoned his only son!! anyway, she uped my seroquel to 200mg, cuz i havent been sleepin.. i was talkin my meds at 8pm and still layin awake in bed at 4 and 5am!! that just dont work when ya got a lil one that gets up at 7 or 8am. anyway, still no luck with finding a job, well ok, so i've found several, they just havent hired me This is a New year and its supposed to be gettin better for me, but it just isn't. I dont know how much longer I can sit at home and NOT get a job!! it's driving me crazy!!!!!!

Mommy - sorry you haven't found a job, that is depressing. I wish I had an answer, just keep applying for anything and everything. Have you thought of volunteering at a job that may work into a pay position?? I don't know if you qualify for welfare, but in my state, welfare has back to work programs and they put people in jobs and pay for child care, etc., to get them back to work, pay part of the salary, etc., so the employers will hire them, then at the end of the 6 month period or whatever, it is hoped/expected that the employer will keep the person on as an employee, job training I guess. Have you checked into displaced homemaker programs, maybe could get some training through them, just a thought. Just tossing out ideas here. Don't give up, I know there is something out there for you.

Ohhhitsme - so sorry things haven't gotten better. Stay strong and don't give up. File complaints with the attorney general's office if your uncle is violating any laws at your old business, go through whatever channels you have to, do it legally. If you are not sleeping, go to the doctor and get some medicine to help, your body will wear down after awhile, and your mind won't function as well, but you know that too. Good luck and take care of yourself. Will keep you in our prayers.

Roy - happy birthday and good luck with the dryer. Glad you got a couple of nights off to watch some videos and relax. That is important to everyone, relaxation that is.

Karen - you sound like you are doing better, hope things are going well for you. Hang in there girl, I have faith in you.

Jeff - you have to take the first step, no one can do it for you, you have to move outside your comfort zone and take a risk before you meet anyone. I have made suggestions on how to meet people many times.

When I got divorced I was a total wreck, had been beat up for 10 years, told I was worthless, stupid, ugly, no one would ever like me, for those years. I had a 5 y/o daughter to support, I couldn't sit at home and hide, I had to get out and find a job, was hard as hell to even walk into a grocery store, I had to sit in the car and take deep breaths to build up my nerve, would have my list of what I needed in my head, where it was in the store, map out the trip in the store, get in- get what I needed - get out, don't look anyone in the eye, I couldn't look anyone in the eye after all those years of abuse. Yet, I had to now go out and find a freaking job!!! I got into counseling and found a job working in a hospital in medical records, taught myself transcription and kept going from there. Was not easy for one minute. Then from there went to work in the prison system as a secretary - of all places - a PRISON - full of abusive men, murderers, rapists, child molesters, etc., right where I went to work after being beaten and abused for 10 years!!! Anyway, was the best thing I ever did, after 3-1/2 years promoted to Associate Superintendent Secretary in a 1600 bed prison for 9 years then went to Superintendent Secretary in a prerelease (about 400 inmates - Co-ed of all things), but I proved to myself that I could do it, I proved he was wrong about everything he said about me, all the put-downs, the insults, I wouldn't let him control me anymore. But I had to take the first step, as hard as it was. Until you take that first step, you are going to be stuck, I didn't mean this as a lecture, just trying to tell you there are people out there with things as hard or harder than you have it who have taken the risk and gone outside their comfort zone. Hell, after being beaten for 10 years, I go to work in a prison where there are inmates carrying around chainsaws, axes, and hammers, unsupervised - yeah, made me feel really comfortable at first - NOT!!!! My first job was in a logging camp, and yes I had seen the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" - so made more than a little nervous to see these inmates walking around with axes, etc., but got used to it. I wish you would get some counseling and take a step outside your box, you may decide you like it. The woman you are looking for may be out there waiting for you to take that step, good luck.

I got a call from my aunt tonight, she is losing her battle with cancer quickly, felt like it was her "goodbye" call. Tears my guts out, she is my favorite aunt. I don't know what to do now, if I should try to take my dad to see her before she passes or wait for the memorial. Traveling with my dad is ugly, he *****es at me the whole way and is a good 5 hour drive, so I am just dreading this either way. I would love to take the trip by myself. The weather has been bad, snow and ice on the roads, so really not sure what to do. The house should close the paperwork tomorrow, sure hope so, has drug on forever, all the last minute errors and hold-ups, damn it, get it over with, I am tired, I want it done.

Sorry for taking over the thread, but hope everyone has a good day. You are all in my prayers.

Wow, it is so good to be apart of people sharing so deeply. I wish you luck, Jeff. You might meet someone just as lonely as you. Lonliness affects both sexes. I have been known to overanalyze.

Karen, thanks for the hug. Heres a hug for you.

You are certainly getting a raw deal, Oh.

Mommy, I couldn't handle being without a job very long, either.

Marie, I grew up in that type of environment and it does make survivors of us.

I am orientating a new aide who is 19. I got to show her how to operate a bed pan on a resident. She had only used one on a dummy at the nursing school. The nurse told me to take her with me every where I went. I found out that we both like Dora the Explorer. She can't be all that bad. At the end of the rounds we were both singing the song from the show, "We did it." I am not sure if Dora ever got to work at a nursing home. I could probably teach the monkey to do what I do, sometimes.

My prayers are with ya'll.

HEY..JUST WANTED TO SAY HELLO....NEW TO THE SIGHT....DEPRESSED AND NEED SOMEONE OR TWO TO TALK TOOOO...HAVE WAY TOOOOOO MANY ISSUES TO EVEN START....ANYWAY...HI GUYS....RESPOND IF YA WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO ALMOST FOR SURE HAS HAD IT ROUGHER THAN YOU LATELY....MAYBE MAKE YER DAY!LOL...

DAMN...PRETTY MUCH KNOW HOW YA FEEL....IVE LOST ANY FAITH I EVER HAD IN MANKIND....OR IT SEEMS FOR ME LATELY ....MANUNKIND....LOL!