Izzie - sounds like a hard place to be. Hang in there. Surround yourself with your good friends and take care of yourself. Take care.

Spent the last two days at work. The D.O.N. told me to go find an empty bed. Just as soon as the sleet and snow hit the phone calls kept coming in that people couldn't make it work. Got free meals and didn't have to worry about having my car slide into the ditch. Work doubles and I was totally exhausted. I had to work a tenth step after the nurse and me got into it. She told me to go take a break. I admitted I was in the wrong and apologized then she told to go to bed and that she would make me up later. Not supposed to answer cell phones while in residents room. Another new orientee to train. She taught me a lot as usual. I don't know why I even bother. Sometimes I think I just occupy space and collect dust. My new meaning of life for my existance. I made home without sliding into the ditch. Evidently, life does exist outside of work.

Thanks for the support....I just didnt expect all this. I was so happy and now I feel like and outsider when they just told me a couple of weeks they had accepted me. Ill gt through this. I just have to keep my mouth shut and not volunteer for anything. Not talk about my life and not get involved with the club anymore.

Sorry about the rants lately. Like I said, I think Im going manic and my feelings are on super sensistive lately. I know they were being creeps, but normally I could handle it better.

Love ya all!

karen

Can I go hide under a rock now? Maybe find a hole to crawl into and die? All the money i had saved up is going to rent which means I still have no food! i feel like a totally failure at life. I've been sending out applications to other jobs like crazy in my spare time, but no one has called back. So I failed at that too. I had to ask my Dad for money so I can go and buy food but damnit I'm 26 and should be able to do this all myself, but no I still have to rely on my parents. This is so screwed up i totally feel like everything in this world is too much for me to handle and i just want to find a cliff and jump off of it and farking end this awful failure at life.

I see you are going through the self-reliant thing, too, Allen. There can be a fine line between independent and being anti-social is what I am finding. I can remember going through this a long time ago with my ex. Her folks called us kids and I resented that. I am not a kid I would protest and so did my ex and then we would need money. Would be cool if you found a lady who wanted to be independent with you. Just a thought.

Allen i sometimes have to ask my parents for money and i'm 44.you should still try cleaning houses or babysitting for a working parent.

Allen, Im 40, and I still have to ask for loans. Recently from my own daughter! It happens and beating yourself up aboput it doesn't help anything. Just keep track of what you owe and make it a big suprise one day when you have saved it all up and give it all back.

That's all I can do for Rhi......hell, she loaned me 400 bucks to get my bank account out of hock. It came from the money she has been saving to move to LA to start her acting career!

You think it is easy for me to deal with that? NONONONO!!!!!!!!! But sometimes we just have to keep on keeping on. I feel like jumping off a tall building on a regular basis, but I live on for whatever reason there is at the time.

I have to pay back my daughter, I have to finish the project Im working on. I have to wait till I get my meds refilled, and somehow when the time comes that I can do it I feel soemhow better enough to not do it.

Just hang on my friend, and keep looking for work.

BTW, I don't ask for this very often, but I need prayer. I have come down with the killer cold thats been going around. I can not take time off from school and I have to start modling on weds, then take a trip to Oakland for more stone for another class. Keep up with my own classes, and my obligations. I can renigg on those. Especially after all that has been going on at the studio!

This is a ver bad cold, and people are dying cuz of it. Soa lil prayer would be very helpful. At least I believe so.

Love yas.......

My prayers are with you.

I just prayed for you.

Thank you. Last night was hell, and have nothing to expect but more.........

I was sick a few weeks ago and could not afford to take time off from school, work and intership so I took zinc. I think it works pretty well. I also took a lot of vitamin c. Make sure you get your rest too and eat well.

Thanks, Ill do that and try to remember to eat.

Karen, I can relate with the hell. My higher power has done a wonderful thing for me. He has put this one nurse in my life who can single-handedly push all of my buttons. She can piss me off so bad that I want to scream. I wasn't fortunate enough to have a normal anger like most folks. I have an anger management problem. I don't have a relief valve to let off steam. I just keep getting angerier and angerier until I blow up. It is useless to tell her to quit pushing the buttons. It is my problem and she has helped me to own up to it. It is like I just can't the handle the truth sometimes. First she helps me by telling me to calm down. I have vented with her enough times that atleast I have gotten past the cussing stage. Still go through the rationalizing and justifying stages but the last time I vented with her as soon as I could identify with being wrong I could apologize and tell her I was wrong. It is a lot better than it was three years ago. Then when I went off I would kick things and beat my fists against things. Then I would really scare the hell out of some people. Twenty-four years ago I was really close to being psychopathic. I have vented a lot at the many thousands of meetings since then. Working with Alzheimer residents for the last year and a half I have really been able to study anger and rage and how insane it can get. The last time I vented I hadn't just forgotten about the H.A.L.T. principle which is that as an addict and an alcoholic I am not supposed to get too hungry, too angry, too lazy or too tired. I had pushed myself to the limit with being too tired and I was mentally exhausted. It was cool this last time I vented because I didn't go through the uncontrollable shaking and crying stage. With my type of depression it is anger turned inward the counselors told me in treatment. It was the weirdest thing because it is like I was ashamed of my anger. It was like logical people don't get angry. I try my best to stay serene but some days I just can't accomplish it because of this flaw that I have of being human. It is almost hilarious when I think of it sometimes.

Went to the parmacy today to get some scripts and picked up some vit C and zinc........hoping it will help, but it is upsetting my stomach which doesnt help the eating situation. Ill pull through......Im just a big baby when Im sick and living alone doesnt help matters.

I understad Roy. hwen I was much younger, I was a todado when I was mad or hurt or angry. Now things just seem to turn in on me. The exact opposite as back then. I try to relax and think back on the day an how I coudl have made the situation into a joke, or made them laugh or just please them adn say thank you when they are showing me something out of frustration. I had one hell of a week here and getting sick at the end of it is barely as much as I want to handle. I have already planned how I will behave so as not to offened or be offended. They are out for me right now and just knowing that gives me the advantage. Just stay happy, or at least make them think you are and they give up. At least these people do. So ya, I know what you mean. Ive broken a few knuckles punching walls too......thanks for sharing.

The zinc upset my stomach too, but it is supposed to be really good. I hope it doesn't get too bad for you.

It seems to be better the more I drink. Doesn't seem to matter what I drink, as long as my tunny feels full.

I asjed the pharmasist if these really help once you are already sick and he said yes, between the two of you I bought it. Like I said I am a big baby when Im sick. I didnt used to be but seems the older I get the wqorse these things hit me. I havent had a cold orr flu since b4 2004, so it was about time. But I have no immunities, so Im hoping it wont kick my ass too much.

i am the same way.it is so scary to be sick with no one to care for you.

my tooth abcessed so i had to go to the emergency room..they lanced it and gave me penicillin and vicadon..no more pain!!yay!!
i have a emergency referal to a dentist so hopefully they will be taking it out soon