Not a clear-cut question I suppose for each break up it's different.... I would imagine if you split up on bad terms you stop doing for each other .. immediately..

But for others that's not the case..
Take myself for instance.. I still go over and cut the grass and shovel the snow and occasionally will clean my exes house for her.. even cook the occasional meal for her.. and our boys.. I do it to help out.. to help lighten her load to make life a little easier...but
Some of my friends think this is odd most all of my divorced friends think I'm crazy..

I don't think it's odd our crazy ..I just think it's my way of helping out... but I find myself sometimes feeling guilty if I don't feel like going over to do these things for her... or I struggle with not going.. over to help out a little.... I think to myself !..nobody cleans my house nobody cuts my grass I do this stuff myself... but then I feel guilty for even thinking such a thought...
I feel ashamed for not wanting to help her out... even if it is just too do the dishes for her so it's one less thing to do with when she gets home from work... now I don't do this all the time of course.. but on occasion I do..... I was just wondering is there a time a point in time when you just stop doing these things for your ex.. and become okay with it... look after your own life so to speak... and is there anyone else out there that feels the same way... you still do things for your ex but wonder if you should be doing these things at all..?

I stopped doing stuff for her the day I tossed all her crap on the front lawn, opened a beer, and sat back and watched her load her stuff into a truck.

Got separated almost two years ago. Just waiting for the divorce papers, but it takes 4 years in Ireland. Some ancient law

I am glad, she is gone anyway

As far as the mother your children goes, that's as it should be (well, as it should be in terms of separation/divorce). It's incredibly admirable when it shouldn't be. It should be the norm. My father would visit and help out even after remarrying. It was more than amicable. They were old friends.

When children aren't involved, OMG so many degrees of variance....from hit the road Beeeeeach to double dates with new partners.

I've helped an ex's husband put a new roof on their house. Others I no longer communicate with.

Sorry for the generic platitude, "Depends on the situation." (I just puked a bit saying it)

It's going to be really tough if either of you met someone. thats what happened to me. i helped her as much as i could but i could only help her monetarily, as we live 1400 miles apart. You should only stop if she doesnt appreciate what you are doing for her.

Let them eat cake

...but at least Marie Antoinette gave head

Hummmm well myself I have never cleaned a exes house once they are a ex...they can clean and cook for themselves...

Now as far as my ex that is my kids Dad.... if he called and needed help yes I would go help him out... Would I clean his house ect hummm that would only be if he was sick and could not but my daughter would do that before I would....Heck my kids dad still invites me for Thanksgiving Dinner at his house.... and he has someone living with him...

I have actually cooked and a ex bf came by to eat...but the same ex bf still checks on me about every 2-3 months to see if I'm okay...

I do't have a issue meeting a ex for lunch ect or talk to them on the phone... once in a while but not on a regular bases... And you will not find me cleaning and cooking for them....just to be doing it...

When it comes to the ex that is the father of my kids there is more lea-way of what I would do for him only because of my kids.... My kids thinks it is great that we all get along and make family functions together without any arguing... They are grown and don't understand why other parents that split up can not take the higher road when it comes to situations... when kids are involved.......

While I think it's admirable that you still go over to your ex's house & do things for her seeing you have kids together, the degree to which you help out ie cleaning her house makes me think that you're not over her yet & that perhaps subconsciously you think that by doing these things for her the two of you might get back together again. - Just a thought.
I would never go over my ex's house & clean it for him even if we had kids & joint custody -I think that you are being way too nice, but that's just my opinion.

Grown men, make their own decisions. Don't listen to friends advice. Even if you make mistakes, a person should learn from that.

I wouldn't want my Ex to do chores or anything like that because I have had new men in my life.

My Ex is a Ex for a good reason.

I agree with Chris. You're just hanging on to something that should be in the past.
The argument that she's the mother of your kids is no argument. If you'd do something directly towards the kids, another thing entirely. Like for instance helping to paint the walls of their bedrooms or something. But cleaning her house because she works? Are you nuts? Correct me if I'm wrong, but you work too, right? Does she come over to clean your place, cook for you and do your dishes?
The fact that you feel guilty when you don't do it or don't feel like doing it says enough really. But I think this is a typical "Cancer problem": difficulty in letting go.
But at some point you have to learn to accept that it's over, past tense, and allow it to disappear out of your life. Provided you want to be able to find new happiness with a new woman that is. If you've ever wondered why that never works out, here's your answer. But I think I've said that many times over the 4 years that we've been on here (4 years? OM effing god!!!) LOL

Oh, one last thing... I'd never want my ex to come over and cook, clean my home and so on, certainly not after such a long time. I think you've been separated for at least 5 years now? No freaking way would I still want my ex doing these things, coming in to my home, NOR having a key to my place, which clearly you do have too?????
My ex's never have had a key to my new home, not the father of my kids either. To be honest, I find that very strange.

That tells me that OR she is not over you either, which I doubt or you'd be back together again by now OR she's using you, which you do yourself btw...
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The moment I decided enough was enough.

My first husband and I parted on good terms after 27 years.

I would pick him up special things as he was diabetic.
Then I would take the stuff over.
Until..
One day I took over some treats for him and he said 'You owe
me $.34' !!!!!!!

I asked what for, he said mail came and needed more postage.

After paying him the $ .34 I never bothered again getting
him anything. Freaking cheapskate.

I think when it is time, you will know it.

right after the marble ashtray whizzed past my ear...

Really? I don't get that? I mean, she missed! That must mean she still cares, lol. I'm sure she'd appreciate you coming into her home to clean and cook. I do however recommend you finding out if she'd quit smoking beforehand
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I stopped doing things FOR HER, when she announced she was already in contact with a lawyer to get rid of me.

The only things I've done to her benefit since, have been FOR ME, so that I PERSONALLY felt right about the world.

I do lots of things, even for complete strangers and people I'll never meet, so that I personally feel right about the shape of the world.

In her case, I have helped her answer questions that she had about tech things I know and she doesn't. I fixed her printer for her once. That kind of thing. Random things I would do for any friend.

There are other people in my past, who I have much more dislike for, in the world. If I can possibly avoid it, I wont help some people, even if it costs me extra to refuse.

So I guess I'm not a fanatic about this in a general way, in any direction.

No younger children in mine but a very long marriage to a woman who has some problems. I continue to help her with things that are to my advantage along with those things that I consider essential like making sure her health insurance is paid. She is currently driving one of my old beaters since hers is junk. I do hold the line with stuff that doesn't have severe consequences. Be damned if I'll clean her house although do sometimes send her a few leftovers. Some people, both male and female, are just incapable of managing their lives!!!

Whenever I feel I've fulfilled any promises and commitments I've explicitly or implicitly made to her, or fulfilling them is not worth (in my estimation) the cost to do so.

I'm kinda lucky in that regard as of my last move they all reside in other states.



I could understand doing that.
Because ultimately helping her is helping your kids.
But it depends on what type of woman she is and the kind of dynamic there is.

There is potential "danger" in that kind of behavior.
I know a guy that used to do that for his ex too. Only she didn't want him to. Kept telling him to stop. Tried to discuss it with him over the phone, he'd hang up on her.
He'd just show up, do chores like shovel and mow the lawn, fix things, then help himself to her fridge, sit and watch t.v., not knock on the door or ask permission.
He was paying alimony and support so it was "really" his house.
Doing these things was ultimately a means of marking territory and showing ownership.
Ultimately not respecting her "sovereignty," her space, her independence, her privacy.
Ultimately putting her in a position where she either had to yell and scream at him in front of their kids, making her the bad guy because he's just gosh golly trying to "help!," or just accept it.

And depending on the dynamic the kids could be learning really bad lessons. So when they start dating they may have picked up the idea that the woman is inherently the "alpha" in the relationship and it's the man's "duty" to become subservient.
Or that the man "owns" the woman, so has to always make his presence known and felt and take what he feels he's entitled to.
Or they may learn to not just close their feelings for someone because they were hurt, that people matter even if you don't get the desired relationship or what you want from them.

Who knows. Just depends on the dynamic of the people involved.



Probably.
But it could be motivated by all sorts of things masquerading as a desire to "help."

You know women/mothers that do the "pop by" because they were "worried?" Motivated by insecurity and a lack of control they pop by after having rationalized altruistic reasons, and some truly believe that is what's really motivating them.

And once they've rationalized their motivations are altruistic, they will trigger feelings of guilt if they don't, and if anything happened to you when they didn't stop by, they will make themselves feel "responsible" for not "being there."

People play in their own heads to get themselves to believe they are motivated by positive things, leading to "good" behavior, when in actuality it's bad behavior motivated by bad things.