Learn how ta Speak Redneck

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BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar
in my pickup truck."

FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
Usage: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,
your bahs is gonna far you!"

CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: "Pa dun had a hot attack." HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred."

SAAR: The opposite of sweet.
Usage: "These pickles Sure are saar."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

OVAIR: In that direction.
Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" "He's ovair, suh."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"

MUCHABLIGE: Thank you.
Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister."

IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.
Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - Seen, past tense.
VIEW - Have You?
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

PHRAISIN: Very cold.
Usage:"Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

It's A Boy...

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Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Dead Hick
Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Getting Into the Olympics
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

POOR EMILY SUE

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.

While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

"Normally there's three of us ... me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

DRINKS FOR JAMIE

GREAT JOKES KEEP THEM COMING

1) which do u mostly do in the summer

fish
hunt
ride fourwheelers
clean the house



2) What does D.K. stand for to u

Donkey Kong
Drink Kegs
I could care less
BACKWARDS IT SAYS KILL DUCKS
DEER KILLING



3) WHAT 2 DAYS OF THE WEEK START WITH T

TODAY AND TOMARROW
TUESDAY AND THURSDAY
MONDAY AND SATURDAY
I like beer



4) WHATS IN YOUR CLOSET

A BEER KEG
DIRTY CLOTHES
SUITS AND TIES
MATCHES AND BLOWTORCHES WEEEEEEE!
FIREWORKS



5) WHATS THE LAST THING A REDNECK SAYS BEFORE THEY DIE.

HEY YALL WATCH THIS
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!
I WONDER WHAT THAT IS
HUH! I WONDER WHAT THIS TASTES LIKE
dammit


6) WHAT IS YOUR PET.

ALLIGATOR
SNAKE
DOG
CATS
DON'T HAVE A PET




7) DO YOU LIKE TO BLOW STUFF UP OR CATCH IT ON FIRE

Yes
No
I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW
I LIKE WATER
Do pipe bombs count



8) WHATS GOD'S FIRST NAME.(get the answer from these lines)And he walks with me and he talks with me and he tells me i am his own

ANDY
BOB
JESUS
HE HAS NO FIRST NAME



9) HOW MANY SECONDS ARE IN A YEAR

ALOT
12
999999999999999999999999999999999999
WHATS THE POINT IN THIS QUESTION



10) WHICH IS NOT A BEER (DON'T MIND THE SPELLING)

CORONA
BUDLIGHT
JACK DANIELS
Beer CO
Drug CO

JELLO PIT TONIGHT AT THUMPERS

Things I have learned living in Virginia.......

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road .

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Virginia

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Virginia, plus a couple no one's seen before

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5."Onced" and "Twiced" are words

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

7. "Jaw-P?" means "Did y'all go to the bathroom?" (I have personal experience with this one. The kids returned from the rest-stop and this is what my wife asked them).

8.People actually grow and eat okra.

9. "Fixinto" is one word.

10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar

12. Backwards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

13. The word "Jeet" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

16. "No. Jew?" is a common response to the question "Did you bring any beer?".


YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM VIRGINIA IF:
1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

3. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

4. You know what a "DAWG" is.

5. You carry jumper cables in your car .. For your OWN car.

6. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup.

7. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.

8. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

9. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a bit warm".

10. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.

11. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally World" or off to "Wal-Mart's".

12. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather

13. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

14. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

15. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Virginia friends (and those who just wish they were).

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

boy did that virginia one bring back memories.( most of them are true)

How do cowboys practice safe sex?





Paint a red X on the sheep that kick

Love tha Va. joke.. ...... BIG HAND FOR rockermom.....

heres a gallon of white fer ya dcr,,,

Awww shucks, thanks dc

Thanks thump, I'll be over in a short, gotta check out jello - pit.....

A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texas engineer
are all working together one day and they come across a lantern.

A Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is
three wishes in total." says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I
want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOOOFF!
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada
was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state."

POOOFF!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a
huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about
this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a Lone Star beer, smiles and says,
"Fill it with water"........

A man was goin' on extented vacation. He left his trusted friend to take care of things in his absense.

A few days later he called in to check on things. He ask his friend. Hows my cat?

His friend replies, you can is dead.

The man is upset & says You can't tell somebody somethin' like that. You have to ease into it. 1st ya should say the cat's on the roof, the next day say the cat fell off the roof, then the next day say the cat died.


A few days later the man calls home again. He ask Hows mom?





His friend replies, Your mothers on the roof.

HEY DC HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?