Adam and Eve


Eve: "Adam do you love me?"

Adam: "No I don't"

Eve: (crying) "Then why did you sleep with me?"

Adam: "Helloooo do you see anyone else around?"

*A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

*A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

*Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "So. Why the long face?"

Can I tell you a dirty joke?

It fell in the mud.

Can I tell you a dirty joke?

It fell in the mud :)

This guy at work partied hard, got himself addicted to brake fluid. I was worried for him so i confronted him, he told me not to worry, reckons he could stop anytime he wanted.

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a $***.

The End

Oliver Reed's definition of the perfect Wife: A deaf and dumb nymphomaniac whose Father owns a Pub........

I love the Woman's Poem BTW

Judge: Well sir, I have reviewed the case and I have decided to send your wife $700 a week.

Husband: That's fair, your honour. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Why? Do they swell?

Girl: No, they spread.

Ok, let's play word scrabble "PNEIS". Did you get SPINE?
Like hell you did, pervert.

I don't know joke jokes I just know my favorite lines by comedians like


Mitch Hedberg RIP

"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who'd be really pissed off if she heard me say that".

Or Dave Attell on people who stink up the bathroom and use air freshener thinking that covers it up:

"Oh ya, great. Thank you. Now, it's smells like lemons and A**!!"

Or Todd Barry

"Generally I'm opposed to smoking but if a girl's in my apartment and she's going to sleep with me, she can light up a cr*ck pipe and start a small BBQ...."

What did the blonde say when her doctor told her she was pregnant?


"Is it mine?"

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"