What do you call a heard of legless cattle?

Ground beef.

What do you call a lumberjack who hits his ankle?

Footloose

A magician who specialized in pulling rabbits out of a hat was talking with his agent.
"If you don't mind playing a split week," the agent said. "I can book you for three days in Chicago and four days in Detroit."
"That's not for me," the magician replied, "because I don't believe in splitting hares."

And then there was this kid who broke his leg and his father wrote on his cast: "Good Luck! Break a Leg!"

So the cab driver says to the hooker "JESUS, do you have anything smaller?"

What invention made it possible for humans to walk through walls?

The door

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down. They got out and looked around at their surroundings.
Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."
The other two guys say, "Why?".
"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.
Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".
"Why" asked the other two.
"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".
Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.
"Whats that for?" asked the other two.
"In case we get hot we can roll down the window."

What did the two fish say when they met each other in the desert?



"Long time, no sea."

A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender yells at him to leave, saying, "We don't serve your kind here!"
The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

What do you find in Tigger's toilet?


Winnie's Poo

What's Black, White and Read all over?

Newspapers, of course.

How many dead people are in your local cemetary?



All of them !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you hear the one about the insanely filthy window?

I doubt it. It's too dirty to tell.

So this cannibal is ordering a pizza and the pizza asks him what he wants on it and the cannibal says "everybody!"

What's grosser than gross?

When you think your eating corn flakes and it turns out to be your roommates scab collection.

What's grosser than gross?

When you open the refrigerator door and your rump roast farts.

True story, when me and my cousin were kids my aunt and uncle had family BBQ and he butchered one of his goats. Me and my cousin found the goats head and started throwing rocks at and over time the rocks got bigger until I picked one up that was probably 40# and dropped it on the head and one of its eyeballs shot out and stuck to my cousins shirt.

How many elephants can you fit into a mini?
Four, two in the front and two in the back

How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge?
There are two sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge?
You can't get the fridge door closed.

How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge?
There's a mini parked outside.