I just heard they arrested a guy who talks dirty to plants. He was caught making obscene fern calls.

OMG......LOL


Did you hear about the guy who was thrown out of the casino for bringing toilet paper to a crap game?

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”

“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”

“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”

“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.

“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!

Termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?".

A couple of nights ago I went out for a night of drinking with "the boys". I promised my wife that I'd be back by 12. But after some heavy drinking, I rolled in at about 3 in the morning. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times.

I quickly realised that she would wake up, so I cuckooed 9 more times. I was really chuffed with myself that I could think so quickly, even when completely pissed.

The next morning she asked what time I got in, and I quickly replied 12. Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock, when I ashed her why she said

"Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'sh-t', cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed twice then giggled."

"Double Negative"

A linguistics professor lecturing to his class...."In English, a double negative forms a positive....In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative"..."However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative"..

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right!".....

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down.... I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

The Lab sighs and adds, 'Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's a liar! He never did any of that stuff!'

Two gay guys get on an elevator.

elevator operator asks "going down?"

"Just conversing!"

A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

You know how to make holy water?

You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

What has four legs and one arm?

A happy pit bull.

A high school girls runs up to her father. She says, "Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars."

He says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

Do you know how you can tell the really stupid guy at the airport?

He's the one throwing bread to the planes.

A couple goes to marriage counseling and the counselor tells the husband to say something nice about your wife.

Husband turns and says "for a fat pig you don't smell bad"

Counselor kinda taken back says to the wife "say something to your husband that will make him both happy and sad"

She says "you have a much bigger dick than your brother!"

A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful bar maid and behind her on the wall a sign says:

Cheese sandwich $5
Chicken sandwich $7
Hand job $50

He says "you the one that gives the hand jobs?"

She says "yeah"

He says wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich!

Did you hear about the two cannibals who got married?


At the reception, they toasted the bride and groom.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

He's all right now.