The new bride said to her husband: "Let's get a new sports car. I'd love to hear the patter of tiny Fiat."

A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A shipwrecked sailor was captured by cannibals. Each day the the natives would cut his arm with a dagger and drink his blood. Finally he called the king: "You can kill me and eat me if you want," he said "but I'm sick and tired of getting stuck for the drinks."

So this guy walks into a bar and notices there’s a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy says, "Hey bartender, I’ll bet you a hundred bucks I can jump up and grab some meat from that ceiling".
The bartender says, "I don’t know man, them steaks are pretty high".

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a
helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not
strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one had to leave, because otherwise they were
all going to fall. They weren't able to name that
person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the
rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up
everything for her husband and kids or for men in
general, and was used to always making sacrifices
with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

..........and ten other lucky women collected life insurances

I'd tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon

What's the difference between a moose and Lawrence Welks orchestra?

On a moose the horns are up front and the a$$hole is in the back.

Did ya hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look toward sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"


"You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole the tent!"

So, these two antennas were getting married.


The wedding was great, but the reception was terrible!

"Sects! Sects! Sects!" said one monk to another. "Is that all you think about?"

This guy is going to the "Best Whorehouse" at 448 W. 84th st, Manhattan.

Stops at a bar, has a few drinks gets confused and goes to 884 W. 48th st a podiatrist office.

He walks in and the nurse says "go behind the curtain and stick it out through the hole."

He thinks to himself this is a little informal but he does as he's told.

Nurse walks in takes one look and yells "THAT'S NOT A FOOT!"

The guy replies "I didn't know there was a minimum!"

What song do you sing when someone pees on a dollar bill?


"Urine the money, urine the money....."

(to the tune of, 'You're in the money')

Well,it's true,ain't it?

The Thunder God went for a ride upon his favorite filly. "I'm Thor!" he cried. The horse replied , "You forgot the thaddle, thilly."

Whats red and green and goes 1000 miles an hour?


A frog in a blender.

Whats black and white and read all over?


A newspaper.

What do you call a chinese girl with one leg?

Irene.

What do you call and armless, legless man in the water?

Bob.

What do you call a truck load of sex toys?


Toys for twats.