The difference between bird flu and swine flu

With Bird Flu you need a tweetment, and with Swine Flu you need an oinkment.

-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

I hate being bi-polar, its freakin' awesome

AD/HD Back in Bla...hey look, a squirrel

If you've ever REALLY smelled moth balls.........who held its wings?

hahaha

Piece of string walks into the bar. "Are you a piece of string?" asks
the barman.

"Yes," replies the piece of string.

"Sorry mate, you'll have to leave, we don't serve your kind here."

The piece of string leaves, disappointed. The next day he ties a knot
in his middle, ruffles up one end of himself, and goes back in.

"Oi! I told you yesterday to get out, you're that piece of string
aren't you?"

"No, I'm afraid not." (get it? afriad not=a frayed know)

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says, "I'm afraid we don't serve mushrooms here."

"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"


Two drunks are walking along the road in London. One turns to the
other and slurs, "Is this Wembley?"

"No, it's Thursday."

"So am I! Let's go for a drink."

A man approaches a lady in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I'd love to
fill your fanny with Guinness and then drink it all." The woman runs
off to her husband in disgust and tells him what has just happened.

"Aren't you going to sort him out then?" she asks.

"Nah, any man who can drink 25 pints is alright in my book."

Did you hear about that new toy, the Divorced Barbie?

She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How are us men like noodles?


We have no taste and we're always in hot water.

man goes to bed with problem.

wakes up with solution in hand.....

What do you call an alligator in a suit?
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An investigator.

man and wife fights. man goes to bed
man wakes up still no piece

I once knew someone who thought that menstrual cycles were made by Honda........

What did one riverbed say to the other?


"My sediments, exactly."

So the wife fly asks the husband fly "how is it honey?"

husband "This is good ****!"