Never got moved, Marie. I guess Mom put that on hold. Worked 12 hours, yesterday and 14 hours after that. Day - Night; After a while those concepts lose their meanings. I told this one aide I would work till three in the morning. Nurse said if I let you sleep for two hours will you work till five since she got another aide to come in at five. The aide I worked with is due in eleven weeks. Big ol' belly sticking out. What could I do? It scares me when the pregnant ones lift. I keep worrying what will happen to the baby. She was worried about me hurting my back lifting. I was worrying about her miscarrying. Plus she makes one heck of a cheese ball. I sure will be glad when Christmas is over so they will quit giving our residents sugar rushes. Yup. They sure are keeping us busy. The scheduled one of my Saturdays which I normally have off to work. Jeez, I would at least like to be asked. Then they gave me requested day off for New Year's day which is on a Thursday but took away the Saturday which I had off after that. I tell ya I get no respect. This one nurse is so happy that she is quitting and moving to another nursing home Christmas Day. My coworker who doesn't like her is taking it as a Christmas present that the nurse is leaving. I all are having happy holidays.

Dang Roy, no rest for the wicked - Sorry, couldn't resist. You are obviously good at your job and and they can't get along without you. A real compliment to the quality of work you do. I would be worried about a pregnant aide lifting too. That is scary. Well, enjoy the overtime at least. I am glad your mom put the house on hold, maybe you can try to work out something with buying it again??

I have had a really bad week, had some meltdowns at work, looked at dad's picture on the wall and spent a good part of the day in tears. Has been over a month and a half since he died but still pretty fresh. Grandkids can't come up so am alone this year, and depression has kicked in big time. Gotta stop feeling sorry for myself, I know.

I hope you all have a great holiday. Take care of yourselves, be safe and stay warm.

Watch out for chubby little guys in red suits.

That would be nice if I could buy the land, Marie but this $50,000 school note that I have to repay kind of makes that impossible but I do feel good that I have made my second payment back in repaying the school loan. I am making my restitution and it gives me the same satisfaction as when I made my child support payments. Today when I look at my decease's picture it doesn't hurt like it used to. Those are sweet tears. Yeah, sometimes the depression kicks in no matter what. It is no respecter of persons that is for sure and it doesn't matter where you are. I try to keep busy. I know I have had some pity parties myself at work. They wanted me to wear the res suit at work but I lucked out because the red pants were too short. The 150 watt heat lamp did its trick though because when I went to the well house I saw the floor was wet. Three foot crack almost all the way back to the point. I turn the pump off and went to the hardware store and bought a one inch coupler and five feet of 80 guage pvc. The guy at the hardware store said he had people come in with cracked steel pipes and the pipe would crack no matter what so he said might as well buy the cheap stuff. I started to do the gluing before I went to work and it is cured good now but too dark out there. Will be able to fix it when daylight comes and be able to have running water tomorrow. Reminds me of what my ex employer used to tell me; "Cheer up. It will get worse."

Hello...& i'm sorry cuz' I'm just kind of busting in here without reading the previoous threads, but I've suffered with major depressiom all my life> I understand what this time of year can do to somebody, but I also know that it will pass. Depression is like the tide. It has it's ebb & flow. Sometimes you need to realize it's just an illusion. Nowadays I feel grateful for what I have. I 've learned that depression is a disease that distrcts from what is beautiful from life. It's just an evil distraction. Life is beautiful. Recognize it. It means you no harm

Scorpio - don't apologize, this is an open thread and everyone is welcome. What you said about depression is true. I have been battling it lately with my dad dying last month and dealing with all the issues surrounding his death. Usually I am in better control of things. Lost my favorite aunt in February too, my middle brother in June last year. Just seems like dominoes and I don't seem to handle stress like I used to. The holidays seem to punch me in the gut. My grandpa was my favorite person in the world, I considered him my "special parent" due to issues in our family and he died on 01/01/84, yeah it was a long time ago, but I still feel myself start to slide downhill around Christmas. Then my mom died on 01/02/06, we weren't close, but still another death in the last 2 years, so just feel like I have been run over by a truck.

I am really missing my grandbabies right now, have only seen them twice since they moved over 2 years ago and Christmas is a hard time to not see them.

I will get it together, will take a few days, but a lot of what you said is true.

I appreciate your thoughts. Take care and post whenever you feel like it.

hi all! im lost. just dropped in to say merry christmas and a hopeful new year.

Merry Christmas, lost.

Merry Christmas. I bah humbug a lot but keep in mind what the reason for the season is. God has seen fit to answer my prayers and my family has provided most of the money I need to buy my books for this semester. So I can go back to school

I still have to get out of this funk Im in and although x-mas always makes me depressed and angry, I think I can whip it this year. My best friend, his son and me are going to see my parents and my lil bro and his GF are going to be there. They live in Oregon. Will be nice to see them again. For a hermit that is a big deal haha.

As for the rest of my problems, well I'm putting those on hold if I can. I think the only thing that is bothering me so much is the agoraphobia. Just knowing I have to go out today, even with a friends and family is making me sick. Once Im out I think it isnt as bad if I have someone with me. So I should be able to get through this day.

Everyone have a wonderful X-mas! Lub ya's!

Lost - welcome to our happy home!!!
Hope you are having a happy holiday. Feel free to join us in here anytime you want. We really are a good bunch of people (no matter what anyone says - okay, excuse my sarcasm - just trying to be funny). Take care.

Karen - I am glad you are getting out for the day, try to enjoy. It is good that you have family with you, that will make it easier. I personally think that you need to keep forcing yourself to take these baby steps and it will get easier. It is really hard at first. Maybe things like just walking outside to the end of the driveway and around the yard and back. Then the next time down the block aways. I think each time you go a little farther will help you feel safer by yourself. I know I dealt with a version of what was likely agoraphobia when I was married due to the abuse I received from my ex, I had to sit in the car outside the grocery store and build up my nerve to even go inside the store, I remember going over what I needed, the shortest route to get them and how to get in and out the quickest way, would look at the floor, not make eye contact, take deep breaths before I got out of the car, but I knew I had to do it, and kept forcing myself, eventually I got a little more relaxed and started even talking to and made friends with some checkers there and it got easier and I relaxed when I realized that not everyone hated me like my ex told me they did. These are just my thoughts anyways. I am glad you are going back to school, I think it will be the best for you, get you out of your house and you love your art so will be a good deal all around. Take care of yourself, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

What helped me to get through the agoraphobia is by having a reason to be outside. This might sound stupid by mental reasoning I have to conclude that I am part of nature. I have as much right to be outside as any tree or blade of grass. If I have a destination it helps like going to the store to get something like this morning I have to get some plumber's tape to finish up getting my water back on. I am glad Christmas is over because everything was closed except the 24/7 gas stations. The place here was like a ghost town. I guess it might be in mental associations like ghost town and Christmas spirit. Just wondering if my imagination is stronger than most.

I might be able to get back on third shift like I wanted. I just found out tonight that one of the IRCA's who is getting placed on third shift and just made CNA but wants second shift was talking to the DON because she wants to be home with her children at night. The DON mentioned to her that I wanted to be on third shift and asked her to have me come see the DON tomorrow about it. I am praying that it works out for both of our favors and we can make the switch. The coworker had told me that me that before if I go tonight that she would to. But tonight the coworker told me that she would rather stay on second shift because it allows her to spend time with her grand daughter on the weekends. She said she doesn't blame me though since she knows there is a fifty cent differential which would raise me from $8.90 a hour to $9.40 a hour and she knows that I would be able to make more of my A.A. and N.A. meetings since most of them around here occur during second shift hours. I guess I will find out tomorrow with the DON.

Good luck Roy, I hope you get your shift back. That would be a great move for you all the way around, financially, move you back to the shift you are more comfortable with, you could make more meetings, etc. I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Hope you all have a great week. Take care.

It came through for me, Marie. Yay. I called the DON this morning about 9AM. She got in touch with the RN and they approved it. I think it helped being that the RN used to work as an Alcohol and Drug Abuse counselor. I got to work at 11 tonight instead of 2 this afternoon. The new schedule hadn't went out for the 2 week posting by the time clock. The DON told me my days off might change but I told her that was alright with me. I am happy.

Way to go Roy, good things do happen!!! You certainly are starting off the new year right. And the extra pay will help too. Congrats!!!

Hope everyone is having a good week. Take care.

lol-breastfeed anywho-ive seen people slowly going-its very sad and yet humbling ukno? when they start talking to family who have passed-thats a clear sign of time is close. but its almost enduring the innocence in their eyes,yet glad that the suffering is almost done. the other day we were watching tv and saw people with way harsh medical problems-who am i to complain?! good luck to all!

Hope you are doing okay, Marie. Yup. I didn't have to give any showers; Feed anybody and my stress level dropped way down. Was nice to go to a meeting, yesterday. I just wish I was fraternizing with my coworker like everyone at work thinks I am. It really should make it easier on her, too. Even the housekeeper was asking wouldn't it break up our team. The one nurse who has been trying to get back on third shift was telling me now you get back on third shift right before I go to another job. I have learned that fraternizing on the job is not as great as one might think it would be. It sure can get complicated real fast. I am sure glad we kept a low profile. Maybe they will quit picking on her now that I am on another shift.

Well, I got into it with day shift. I was wondering how long it would take. Aide told me that she wasn't my momma and she wasn't cleaning up after me. She had a point. I have a daughter older than her. Ain't no way she could be my momma. She pissed me off. Couldn't have said it just between us two. So I told her that I was her daddy. Pissed her off. She said I wasn't her daddy. I cleaned up my mess before I left. I have come a long way from punching dumpsters with anger. Venting is so much more socially acceptable correct.

Chirp chirp......crickets?

Well, here we go. Happy New Year everyone. Hope this one will be better than the last one. So sad since the last one wasnt so bad until the "thing" happened. Now I have to spend the rest of this year getting over what happened last year. Bah!

I can't remember who said it but I have to take a good look around me sometimes. People who have to use the auto carts at the market, I live around and area with lots of homeless people, people with horrible diseases and cancer. You are right. It could be a lot worse.

Glad to hear everyone is doing ok. Maybe not good or wonderful, but keep up the good work people. Welcome to the new comers. Post anytime.

lubya's

Karen

I bought a book today called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Bloomfield, Colgrove, and McWilliams. I procrastinated at least a week on picking it up after it came in. Facing loss, coming out of shock and denial is never easy. I realize I am going through all the stages, including acceptance, over and over. Lets see where it all ends up and when.

Back to the book....It seems like it will be very helpful in many different ways. It describes the different losses we may experience (some I never realised before, but which I now understand I have suffered repeatedly in my life). God, I've had so much loss....no wonder endings are so hard for me. I have to go gentle on myself. Anyway, the book explains the stages and physical, emotional reactions to each. It even explains how different kinds of losses manifest in our psyche and bodies. The book also has some cool creative writing and poems in it. I may post some later on. I know I'm going to cry reading it, but the tears will be healing ones and will cleanse, making room for joy and hope to take their place.