I've had relationships end this way and felt differently about each one. For most, just hearing that he no longer wanted to be involved with me made it very clear, very real...but in one long-term relationship, it simply wasn't enough. Perhaps it was his mixed messages (his actions spoke volumes!), but I just couldn't believe it was really happening. I sought (unsuccessfully) confirmation, answers and reasons then. I think it was an effort to make it real to me...far from 'closure' and not even really acceptance...I needed to see what was real.

Is it possible that the reasons people seek answers to their question 'why?' at the end of a relationship are as varied as people themselves? I don't know...

I personally think, when learning, some want to find out what was it about the relationship that didn't work.

Sometimes people are looking for answers to improve on the next relationship, other times the person just isn't able to let go and needs answers.

Usually when I am looking for closure, it's to learn so I can be a better person the next time around. Too, so I can let go of any excess baggage, so that its not taken to the next relationship.

I can see where someone may need to understand.


I can see someone being unable to let go (it is hard to do) but doable.



ok but taking your last comment, why assume the decision had anything to do with you? granted, unless it was expressed. What and why would you change a thing about yourself? So long as you are true to yourself and to them, why look to change a thing?

Thanks EvyT for responding

It's not for me to change myself, but to look at the other person's point of view objectively. sometimes when we are in relationships, we only see them on a one sided basis. Very rarely (from my experience are the two mature enough to look at the relationship objectively.

Sometimes relationships end from no wrong doing on either side. sometimes one or both partners don't feel fullfilled.

My goal would be to see what the other person see's without taking offense. So I could some valuable points from him, to take into my future.

Relationships never end because of one person, usually both parties are responsible for the break-up. It's not about a blame game, but about learning.

ok but taking your last comment, why assume the decision had anything to do with you? granted, unless it was expressed. What and why would you change a thing about yourself? So long as you are true to yourself and to them, why look to change a thing?

Thanks EvyT for responding

When you break up, it's because someone isn't happy. Closure is finding out why. Then it's finding out if it is something you see as a problem, if the relastionship may be salvagable, and if you want to change those aspects about yourself. Since a relastionship involves 2 people, then it goes without saying that you had a part in it. Of course, what your ex may want you to change may be completely unreasonable to you, like they want to use coke, or it may be something you don't like about yourself, looks or you get angry alot or something. Changing something that you don't like about yourself is being true to yourself. That being said, closure usually starts off to find out if it's really over, and to answer the WTF factor, since most people don't let people know there going to break up with them in advance.

Can someone politely explain why people have the need for explanations, reasons, etc., when a relationship dies?

While in a relationship if your significant other, your partner, your lover, bf/gf, husband/wife wakes up and decides he/she has had enough and wants out. What good would an explanation, reason, excuse be? What purpose will it fulfill save for validation?

I think it has more to do with that the person who is being dumped wants to know what it was that they did wrong. Some people just have to know that. Perhaps it is so they can learn from it and improve upon it for future relationships.

We are just a "curious" species. We have to know the "Why's?" or the "How's". It just drives us crazy if we don't know why this didn't work, or how it happened.

Hmmmm. I sometimes think of myself as the "closure queen"..... I definitely need it.

For me, it is a resolution, an ending. I would take feedback from another, but it would not mean that I would take it to heart, per say. I think it is important to accept and consider viewpoints other than my own. Most importantly I think closure is a means of attempting or even finding, (or attempting to find) effective communication.

We are creatures with individual perceptions and perspectives. To end a relationship, of whatever sort, with a conversation on where to leave things and what you got out of it.... that is a great thing. Even if it is only to say it was great knowing you, I'd like to be friends, I can't be friends, or I just wanted to say you hurt me but I forgive you.... that matters to me.

I think if we have closure in a relationship (again of any nature) that leaves the door open for a friendship in the future, maybe plants a seed for self-growth or maybe heightened self-awareness, and definitely keeps me openminded. It takes many forms.

It's just so normal for us to ask "Why". I mean, it's like instilled in all of us to ask. We have to know the reason, plus we also cannot believe that someone who was so loyal suddenly decides that he/she wants someone else. That stings. I don't care who you are. That crap just stings your ego or whatever.

Sometimes an excuse is to make that person feel better about ending the relationship

True, to ease or reassure the other party.