fran!!!!
its not you, its me!!!!!

I knew it

{{{wolf}}}

First let's define what closure is and what it isn't. There seems to be confusion over the term means so let's clear it up.

Closure isn't necessary if after the 2nd or 3rd date you decided you don't want to see someone anymore. They don't need closure. They need to go find someone else to date.

Closure comes at the end of a long love relationship. You can't have a closure discussion until you've both decided to breakup. You've had the last fight or whatever it was that lead to the final demise of your relationship. You've agreed breaking up is the best thing to do. After that, there usually is some sort of a closure discussion, where you both talk about the relationship so you can learn more about what happened, to help you do better with your next relationship.

Closure means that you find a resolution to a situation. You hardly ever want that resolution to be a "get lost"! That's not healthy, if the only way you can deal with a sad situation is to completely get rid of anything having to do with it. What if you had a fight with a family member :) Your aim should be to find a HEALTHY closure, which means you talk about what went wrong, appreciate the things that went well, learn something from it all, and then go on being friends and sharing the good parts. If every relationship ended by saying "it was all awful, nothing was good, get lost" then you don't really learn anything and grow.

Closure is very important, and closure involves talking honestly about what went on in this whole situation. So find a neutral place that it's quiet and you can talk together. Have a good meal first so you're full and comfortable. Then talk! Talk first about the *good* things. Go over the good things you had together, the fun times you had. Talk about the things that were special in the relationship. It's very important to understand what the good was, so you remember those things for future use. Those are the positive things you learned from this relationship.

Then, after you've gone through those, talk about the *challenges* you had. Don't make them into "bad things". They were things that challenged your relationship that you were not able to find solutions to. Don't make it into a "you refused to do laundry!" kind of accusation. That serves no purpose. But make a list of things that together you could not overcome. So things like "we couldn't agree on an equitable division of chores that we both could live with." You can both agree that was a problem, without getting into the details, and now you know that this is something that you have to work on in the future. Because every challenge that isn't met is because the two people couldn't agree on a solution or find a compromise, meaning that at least some of the responsibility falls on each individual.

At the end, you should still treasure the good! And there's no reason you can't keep being friends and talking. And now that you understand better the challenges that you faced and weren't able to work on, you'll know to watch for those in your next relationship. So your next relationship should have a better chance, because of the knowledge you've gained.

Poof, there is your "closure" out the window. YOU CARRY IT ON TO THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no true closure. IT IS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS WITH YOU!!!

Get it? Got it? Good...

So someone can work on that flaw if indeed it were a valid flaw?

Interesting I found some of your posting online

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/closure.asp

While I respect your opinion and the points you have made, I still disagree.

I truly believe especially in long relationships that both parties have noticed changes, regardless how subtle, changes in attitudes, changes in need, or changes in the lack of needing the other party. Even if one party is blind to the changes, it is not the responsibility of the other party to ease anything (while it may be 'nice' if done) it's not a necessity nor is it owed. There doesnt and isnt always a breakup discussion, and seems rather useless to me.

Closure is a personal issue, once you have lived through the emotions of losing a loved one thru(death/divorce/separation) etc., you start validating your own self worth, you grieve, cry, whatever helps you thru it, but in the end you muddle thru and move on. Regardless of explanations/excuses or reasons.

I am not very selfish as you stated earlier, I believe in empowering women/men.

validated by someone who prefers not to be with you

Then I don't think you're empowering the other person to succeed in the next relationship and do better.

Closure doens't need to come immediately at the end of a relationship. That may be the most difficult time to do it. Sometimes it comes months later.

Just like a couple getting a divorce, they should remember what was good about being together and they are also very clear about the challenges they couldn't overcome.

As for you Waterloo, you're a lost cause. I pity the woman that finds you..and then runs away.

Not Nice! - such negative and personal comments - are not cool

I do share empowerment; everyone is responsible for their own happiness and actions.

Grief is a natural emotion especially when one invests so much of themselves, time and energy onto a relationship, but feeling sorry for themselves is going to do what? Nothing but lessen time for happiness. Grieve, go thru all the emotions your are feeling, be true to yourself, but accept responsibility for your own happiness and actions.

If you dont move you wont get anywhere (you'd remain stuck)

(assumption ) I believe we would all love to share our lives with another human being, I would, but I accept that I am responsible for me, my partner for him, and together both of us "are".

And you're a pompous prat who is going to have a hard time finding anyone period.

for you whats your opinion? where's your ? I am truly curious and would love to hear different opinions.

I'd rather be called a pompous prat that a cranky crackpot anyday.

how is this conducive?

<----gets out the popcorn!!!

hope it truly doesnt get hijacked...

I am interested in other opinions (not that that means anything) but would like to understand peoples need for validation and acceptance.

Fran, I wouldn't want to see it hijacked either. It's a great topic.

It's fine to have different opinions but let's draw the line at name calling eh?

Now onto the discussion.

did I miss???

I never called you by a name (dont know your name), opinions are great we all have one. But for personal remarks and name calling I did nothing of the sort.... HMMMMM who did???

Sorry to take this off topic one more time, but I feel the need to say that I was attacking a postion. It was someone else that made it personal. When I chose to respond in kind then it became "let's draw the line at name calling eh?"

You're making friends fast out here pal