8 very long pain filled horrible years..lol

I ran over a permanent marker because I'm sexy and I do what I
want...

A circus roles into town and with it comes Ivan The Terrible, a 6'7''
hairy monster of a russian. He was a wrestler and famous for his two
holds; the half pretzel and the full pretzel. The half pretzel broke
your back and the full pretzel killed you. So anyway, a challenge went
out for $1000 to anyone in the audience who could go for one round
against Ivan... Eventually, a man, who had been drinking all day was
persuaded by his friends to try it out. "I'll do it!" screamed the man,
who was 5'4'' at best. So he climbed into the ring and faced Ivan The
Terrible, face to chest. Without warning, the man kicked Ivan in the
nuts and down went the big man, writhing in pain. The man jumped around
the ring shouting "I am the champion!" and it looked as though the round
would come to an end until Ivan grabbed hold of the man's leg. "Oh no"
the audience grasped "The half pretzel". Then Ivan got a better grip on
the man "Oh no... The full pretzel". The two men, rolled around the ring
in a heap and the crowd knew it was only a matter of time before Ivan
would emerge victorious. All of a sudden, Ivan released the hold, flew
out of the ring, banged his head on the ground and was knocked out. A
great cheer went up through the crowd. Since this was Ivan's first ever
defeat, television crews interviewed the small man.

"So you were in the full pretzel and everyone thought you were a gonner,
how did you get out?"

"Well, like you said, I was in the hold and just about to pass out when
I saw it... a big penis. So I did what any man would do in that
situation and I bit it as hard as I could. And you know what? It's
amazing the strength you can get by biting your own willy!"

There's a guy driving down an old country road in the rain, and his car
breaks down. There are only 2 houses, so he walks up to the closest
house and knocks on the door, but noone answers. So he goes around to
the back of the house since the lights are on. He looks in the window to
see if anyone was home and he see an old woman squeezing her breasts and
an old man jerkin off & pouring water over his head. Bewildered, he runs
across the street and goes to the other house and knocks on the door.
When a woman answers the door, he explains about his car and asks to use
the phone to call Triple A. When he gets off the phone he tells the
woman what he saw across the street. She replies " Oh, don't mind them,
they are deaf and mute. She was telling him to go milk the cows, and he
said "Go **** yourself, it's raining

It was the annual Church baseball game and Father Paul was up to bat.
The pitcher got the signal and threw the first curve ball. Father Paul
took a huge SWING and a miss. He shouted "DAMN I MISSED!!!" A rather fat
nun waddle/runs over from the stands and says "Oh, Father Paul you
should be ashamed, don't you dare say those words again, or the Lord
will strike you dead!!!" Father Paul kinda roles his eyes and goes back
up to the plate. The second pitch is thrown and Father Paul takes a big
SWING and a miss. He screams "DAMN I MISSED!!!!" Sister Mary runs out on
the field again and says "Oh, Father if you ever say those words again
the Lord will strike you dead!!!" Father roles his eyes again and goes
back up to bat. The pitcher throws a fastball and the Father SWINGs and
misses. He shouts "DAMN, I MISSED!!!" Then outta nowhere huge dark black
clouds roll in from the heavens and thunder sounds as a gigantic
lightnening bolt shoots from the sky and hits the stands. Nuns go flying
everywhere!! Then a deep low voice says "Damn, I missed"

A little boy goes to Walgreens with father. As they walk the little boy
notices the condom section and gets curious. "hey dad, what are those?"
he ask, pointing to a 3 pack of condoms. "those are condoms youre use
when youre older in High School...one on Friday night, one on Saturday
night and one for Sunday"

Still curious, the little boy says.. "ok...then what is the 6 pack
for?". His father say " thats are for when youre in College..... 2 on
Friday, 3 on Saturday and 1 on Sunday". Now getting excited, the little
boys says "hey dad, what about that big 12 pack box?"

The father looks at him with a disappointed face and says " well son,
thats for when you get married....one for January, one for February, one
for March..................."

A very short, thin white man is on an elevator. On the way up to his
floor, the elevator stops, and a huge black man gets on. The little
white man is scared to death because the guy is so huge. Suddenly, the
big man turns to the little man and says "Seven, two, 375, 18 inches,
Turner Brown." The little guy freaks out and passes out. After a minute,
the little man wakes back up and sees the huge man standing over him
asking if he is ok. The little guy looks up at him and says "what
exactly did you say to me?" The big man replies "Everybody always wants
to know the same questions about me. I just went ahead and answered them
for you. I'm 7'2, 365 lbs, have an 18 inch ****, and my name is Turner
Brown." The little guy gets up and says "Oh, thank God!!! I thought you
said 'turn around'."

A weedy, white-collar criminal gets sent to jail.

While he's being processed, he hears that the guy he's being put with is
notorious for raping his cellmates. "Oh my God!" he thinks, shaking.

When he gets to his cell and meets this guy it's even worse: he's HUGE.
Big muscles, shaved head, tattoes, the whole deal. The white-collar
criminal is near crapping himself.

At lights out, the new guy takes the top bunk and lies there scared to
death. After a few minutes he hears a gruff voice from the bunk below:

"Do you want to play a game?"

"Well, er, what game?"

"There's two games: doctors and nurses or mommies and daddies."

The weedy guy desperately tries to think which game might be safer.

"Mommies and daddies", he says eventually.

"Do you want to be mommy or daddy?"

Again, the weedy guy desperately tries to think of the right answer.

"Er, I'll be daddy." he says.

"Okay."

"So, how do we play this game?"

And from the bunk below the gruff voice says:

"Ok daddy come down here and suck mommys ****."

A woman walks into work one day and is greeted by a guy on the elevator
who says "my your hair smells nice today" so the woman goes to the
manager and tells the manager that she is going to file a sexual
harrassment form on the guy she met in the elevator, so the manager asks
"why?" she says "he said my hair smelled nice" and the manager asks "why
would you file a sexual harrassment form on a guy that says your hair
smells nice? you should take it as a compliment." the woman says "he was
a freakin midget."

There is a fly hovering about a foot over the surface of a river.
A fish underwater says, "if that fly drops six inches I'm gonna jump
up and eat it."
A bear on the riverbank sees the fly and says, "if that fly drops six
inches, a fish is going to jump up to get it, and I'm gonna get that
fish."
A hunter sees the bear and the fly. The hunter says, "if that fly
drops six inches, a fish is going to grab it, the bear's gonna go after
the fish, I'm going to drop my sandwich and I'm gonna shoot the bear."
A mouse sees all this happening. He says, "if that fly drops six
inches, a fish is going to get the fly, the bear's gonna get the fish,
the hunter is going to drop his sandwich and get the bear and I'm gonna
get the sandwich."
A cat sees all this happening. His statement ends, "and I'm gonna get
the mouse."
Most of the predictions occur, and when the cat goes after the mouse,
he trips and falls in the river.



Moral of the story: if the fly drops six inches, the Pu$$ys gonna get
wet.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then,

ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."



So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We
could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a
great
University!"


The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt
I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and
asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course, " the brother replied. "Do you
know
how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially,
you and
I are
sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with
two sluts and a faggot.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet, " said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little upset but he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks
a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed
the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his
mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in
my cereal?" he asks.

"Well, " his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon
for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't
getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Well are you going to tell him, or should I?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE KOALA & THE LITTLE LIZARD ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A koala is sitting up in a gum tree puffing a joint when a little lizard
walks past. The little lizard looks up and yells, "Hey Koala! What are
you doing?" The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and blaze with
me." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they
have a smoke session. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is
dry and that he is going to get a drink from the river. By the time the
little lizard gets to the river he is so stoned that he leans too far
over and falls into the water. A crocodile sees this and swims over to
the little lizard and helps him to the side. When the crocodile has the
little lizard out of the river he asks him, "What's the matter with
you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he just finished
having a fatty joint session with the koala in the tree and he got so
stoned that he fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile
says "I have to go check this out for myself." So he walks into the rain
forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and
he looks up and says "Hey you!" The koala looks down at him and says,
"Fuuuuck dude....... how much water did you drink?!!"

A couple was all dressed up and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on the nightlight and the answering machine, covered the
parakeet, put the cat in the backyard, phoned the local cab company and
ordered a taxi.


When the taxi arrived, they left through the front door, and their cat
slipped back inside the house! They didn't want to leave the cat inside,
so the wife got in the taxi while the husband went inside to put the cat
out again.


Not wanting the driver to know that their home will be empty all
evening, she told the driver, "my husband will be out soon; he just went
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."


When the husband entered the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long. The
stupid ***** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat
hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!"


At that point that the cab driver hit a parked car ...

Little Johnny goes to his mom and says mom i want a red bike for my
birthday. The mom says well do you think you deserve one? little Johnny
says yes I do. Mom says well why dont you ask God for a bike and see if
He thinks you deserve one.
So little Johnny goes upstairs and starts a letter to God. "Dear God, I
have been very good this year...." Johnny crumples up the paper and
starts over..."Dear God Ive been a pretty good boy this year, , , , " He
crumples that one up too...."Dear God, I have been fairly good this
year...." He crumples that one up too and then goes down to his mom.
"Can I go to church and pray for a bike mom?" The mom thinking that her
plan worked said sure honey go ahead." little Johnny goes to the church,
looks around, steals the statue of the virgin Mary and races back home
and up to his room. He gets a piece of paper and starts a letter to
Jesus. "Dear jesus, I have your mother and if you ever want to see her
again, you bring me a red bike for my birthday!"

confucsis say

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel ****y all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

! < /FONT>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who cooks carrots and pees in same pot is unsanitary.

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor
condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid, " she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her
in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you
suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped
her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it,
she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I
screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her

heard some found others,i got a lot of jokes stuck in my head didnt have
nuthin else to do with them so here they are..lol

Its a long one but its a good one...

So theres a 14 yr old boy and his dad, and they're sittin on the couch
watching a football game and the Dad pops open a beer. Well of course
his son ask, "hey dad you think I can get one of those?" And the Dad
replies"Well son that depends does your **** reach your asshole?" and
the son says "well no". "well then theres your answer!"

The boy is now 16 yrs old, and him and his dad are out on a fishing
trip. Again his dad pops open a beer, and again his son ask, "Hey dad
you think I can get one of those?" and again his father replies "well
that depends son, does your **** reach asshole?". "NO!" his son replies.
"Well then theres your answer."

The boy turns 18 yrs old and his dad decides to take him on this elk
hunting trip. while they're both sittin around the fire the dad pops
open a beer. And the son says "Look Dad, Im 18, I just inlisted in the
army, I could die for my country, legally I am an adult in the eyes of
the law, can I PLEASE have a beer." The dad replies again with"That
depends son does you **** reach your asshole?" and the son yells out
"NO!". "Well then there's your answer!"

So the boy is really pissed off at this point and storms off into the
woods and trips over this large suit case. He brings it back to the camp
fire and opens it. Inside is one million dollars. The father looks over
and ask "hey son, you going to share any of that with me?" and the son
replies with "Well that depends Dad does you **** reach you asshole?"
"Well as a matter of fact it does!" And the son blurts out" Well then
good you can GO **** YOURSELF!"