THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without
a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he
drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the driveway. On
the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a mall
sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in,
um, doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door."
He does this and the door is answered by another nun holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Place $50 in the cup, then go through the large
wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the nun's cup. He trots
eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind
him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

a guy and his wife are sittin on the couch watchin tv when the wife
asks, "hon, could u fix the porch steps? they've been squeekin for years
now." and to this the husband replies, "look at me, does it look like i
have carpender writtin across my forehead?"
so the wife says, "alright, could u fix the kitchen sink? its been
leakin for a coupla weeks now." and the husband says, "look at me, does
it look like i have plumber writtin across my forehead?"
and the wife says, "will u at least fix the hallway light? its been
flickering for days now." and again the husband replies, "look at me,
does it look like it have GE writtin across my forehead?" and he gets
all mad and decides to go to the bar.
well hes at the bar drinkin and he starts feelin bad. so he decides to
go home and apologise to his wife. but when he gets there, shes sittin
on the porch and everythings all fixed. of course he asked his wife what
happened and she says, "when u left, a nice guy came over and offered to
fix everything if i baked him a cake or had sex with him in return." and
the husband says, "o that was nice of him, what kinda cake did u bake
him?" and she says, "look at me, does it look like i have Betty Crocker
writtin across my forehead?"

This Is Totally Amazing.
Say the word COW before each word.
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 Look
Now say the word COW After each word
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look
Now say the word COW before AND after each word.
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look
Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.
1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4- Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

Do they still make those kind???

God im bored..lol

-- you dont have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Sluggo--whats the difference between your penis and your paycheck?

A reporter was interviewing some Native Americans at the reservation.
She approached a young brave:

Reporter: "Why do you have a feather in your headdress?"
Brave: "Me ****em one squaw." (squaw - female)

After several more questions, she approached another brave:

Reporter: "Why do you have 5 feathers in your headdress?"
Brave: "Me ****em five squaw."

Shocked at this custom, the reporter approached the chief:

Reporter: "Why do you have SOOOO many feathers?"
Chief: "Short, tall, fat, small - ME ****EM ALL!!!"
Reporter: "OH DEAR!"
Chief: "No, not deer - asshole too high - run too fast."

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, it was the
winter, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly
into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with rain and the wind was blowing at least 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be like that all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to the lovely lady who was still there, with a
very different anticipation, and whispered to her, "The weather out
there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing
in that ****?"

I just know someone will take it the wrong way but i loved it..lol

A new preist at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor said 'When I am worried about getting nervous in the
pulpit I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous I have a sip and it calms my nerves.

So the next Sunday he took the mosignor's advice and placed a glass of
vodka next to the water. A the beginning of the service he got nervous
and took a drink. He talked up a storm. Upon returning to his office
after mass, he found the following note on his door:



Fater that was an exemplary sermon, and i can see that the vodka is
helping. But just one or two points you might want to consider next
time:

1.Sip the vodka, don't gulp. And just have the one, not the entire
bottle.

2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.There were 12 disciples, not 10.

4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late JC".

7.The father, son and the holy ghost are not reffered to as "Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.

8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked of his donkey he was not
"Stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as "the big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said: Take this and
eat it for it is my body." he did not say "Eat me."

12.The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub a dub dub tanks for
the grub, yeah God."

13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's.
Not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A girl with no arms or legs is sitting on a bench. She's never been
kissed so she says she'll ask the very next guy she sees to kiss her.
She asks the very next guy to walk by if he'll give her her first kiss.
He figures since she has no legs or arms, no harm in it so he does.
She's never had a hickey so she figures she'll ask the very next guy for
a hickey. She asks the next guy and he figures that since she has no
arms or legs, no harm will come from it so he gives her a hickey.
She's never had sex so she asks the next guy if he'll **** her. He
figures she has no arms or legs so he puts her in his truck, drives her
to a lake, throws her in and says "Now you're ****ed!"

Welcome to J.S.H. come on down and talk with us in the forum this is a
great place have fun...

I don't know how many of you shop at Wamart, but this may be useful to
know.

I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This
happened to me and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back
seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of
them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again
on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

pass port? where ya goin?

im just dozing on my keyboard..lol

Barely..lol

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.
=====================
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "****tails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

I been through it 3 too many times...

Sorry to butt in but in my experience once a cheat always a cheat..