A couple were visiting Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Wales and they were having a coffee.
One of them asked a member of staff "Could you please pronounce this place for us, VERY slowly?"
The member of staff leaned forward and said "Burrrrr gerrrrrr king"

Stoppage

I think that the person who invented 'Knock-knock' jokes should receive a
No-Bell Prize

I've just put my Grandmother on Speed-dial

Now that's what I call Instagran

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.

He put the gun to his head.

He looked at his Wife and says "I Don't know what you're laughing at, your next!!"

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 'Shane's wife gave it to me.' Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

Personally I simply do not bother replying if some-one without a picture messages me. Also, when I search, I add the filter to only show people with a profile picture

Three men are lost in the desert. They are just on the point of death when they stumble across the recently expired body of a camel.

They look at each other and look at the dead camel - none of them have eaten for days.

The first man, a scouser, spoke up. I support Liverpool; so I will eat the liver
The second man, a scot, then said "I support Hearts so I will eat the heart
The third man, a Londoner, stood still for a few seconds before saying
"I support Arsenal - and I'm not hungry!"

My friend's 4 year old son is learning Spanish, but he still doesn't know how to say 'please'
I think that's poor, for four!

I went for a cappuccino last week.

The lady serving me said "Do you want sprinkles?"

I said "Yes please"

So now I'm stuck with her incontinent cat!

I was born male

I identify as male

But according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Treacle Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four.

Latest news:

The London Wasps entire first team have tested positive for Covid.

So this weekend they will be fielding their Bee Team!

A 'woman of the night' approached Paddy and said "Will you sleep with me for £80?"

Paddy replied "Well ok then - I'm not very tired but I could do with the money!"

A man is about to go out to the pub and his wife is none too pleased as he always gets drunk when he goes out.

So she warns him "If you get drunk and puke all over yourself one more time I'm leaving you - you have been warned!"

So he assures her he will behave and only have 2 or 3 beers and come home.

So, 10 beers later he is sick all down his front.

He panics and says to his friend - "Oh **** - I can't go home now, my wife is going to leave me"

His friend says "Don't worry - I have a plan. Put a £20 note in the iside pocket of your jacket. When you get home you tell your wife that some one else was sick all over you and they gave you £20 to pay for the dry cleaning bill"

OK I'll try it....


So he gets home and his wife is waiting for him....

"That's it I warned you. I'm leaving you!"

"No, no no" says the husband, "There's no need to leave me my love. It wasn't me. Some bloke was sick down me and he gave me £20 to pay for the dry cleaning bill. Look here!"
With that he reaches into his pocket and produces TWO £20 notes.

"So why have you got £40 in your pocket?" askes the wife.

"Oh, don't worry love, the other £20 is from the man who shat my pants!"

I've just been to the Doctor and he said my sugar was too high.

As soon as I get home I'm going to move it to a lower shelf!

Paddy says to Mick

"So how did you get on at that faith healing meeting last night?"

Mick replies "It was absolute shite. Even the feller in the wheelchair got up and walked out!"

I have a dog called MINTON

He's a naughty dog. He likes to eat shuttlecocks

I wag my finger at him and shout "BAD MINTON"