A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly," I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"




"Because you got an F in sex."

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."


*** Long Pause***


*** Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? ...........Is this 486-5731?"

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Parisi?' 'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Volpe?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob Titsnbeer"

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little?' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication , but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi Keith'.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ............

"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class:
"And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly..."I think the man would have said -'Well, f%*k me!! A talking pig!"

Little Johnny On Math:

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Johnny.

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream, one is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

De frog and de snake

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his baitcan. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or his gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well , dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare dat
water moccasin was with two more frogs.

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered . "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I' m sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Something that most of these folks are not telling you about squats. YOU MUST PERFORM THEM CORRECTLY!!!! If not...hey, it's your back and knees paying for the damage. When starting a squat routine you really should get some expert advice at the gym. Either a trainer or someone who has/is training heavily and using squats can help you. This is a compound movement that utilizes virtually every muscle group in the lower body. You can get a very good lower body workout with a squat program but you must do them correctly.

ASK FOR HELP!!!!

Yeah. There's some great advice. I'm sure the guys living under the nearest overpass thought the same thing.

Nobody will do for you better than YOU can do for you. Period. You are currently employed but your boss sounds like a weasel. Take your time and plot out your job search. It can be done even on the tightest of time schedules. Do not jump at the first offer either. It's all about timing.

Timing....life revolves around timing.

All they do is go around in circles. I don't get it. "They're making a left turn!!!! They're making another left turn!!! They're making another left turn!!! Come back in ten minutes you ain't missed a f'ning thing!!!"

I will say this for those guys.....gotta have balls to run around in circles for hours at a time with some of the "no-driving-est" jackasses on the planet.

Works better if you do your cardio first thing in the morning. You are using fat stores for energy so the weight loss is greater. Also, a late night workout can actually have an adverse affect on your sleep patterns. Your body cannot slow down enough to enduce REM sleep at the correct time. Hence, recovery is affected.

The vast majority of my free time will be spent at a dragstrip so I should be ok. Famoso is very close and my sponsor's shop is in Oxnard which looks to be a two hour drive. I've spotted some nice apartments with garages for under $800 on the northeast side of town. From all indications that is the "better" side of town anyway. As long as there is a gym close by I should be alright.

Thanks for the input! Y'all have been a great help.

I have an interesting offer to do some contract design work in Bakersfield, California and I'm needing some information on the area. Looked through Craigslist to get an idea on rental property and, from what I can tell, the prices are not too much different than here on the northeast side of Houston. If anyone is familiar with the Bakersfield area could you let me know about the area, shopping, people, cost of living, recreational activities, etc, etc, etc. Contract is for 6-8 months so it won't be a long term deal but I do like to enjoy my time off when I get it.

Thanks!!!

Crosby over here! And why the hell do I work in Jersey Village?????

The Game wins. Flair is retired. And wrestling is still nowhere near as entertaining since Stone Cold Steve Austin retired.

Currently in the thriving metropolis of Crosby! And I still don't know why I drive way the hell across Houston to work on FM529.