so recently I hired a guy to come refurbish our floors, for a very decent price. after talking to him turn out he was a professional pilot. he did a good job of the landing.

I worked with a guy who experimented with LSD when he was younger. He got so high, that he jumped out of a bedroom window, believing he could fly. He ended up in hospital with serious injuries. When I asked him about it, he said, "The flight was just about perfect. The landing was totally rubbish."
BTW, nice joke. Appeals to my weird sense of humour.

i liked George Carlin's response to overly A*n*a*l* cleanly sorts...he said when he was a kid they swam in the Hudson river which had raw sewage in it,he said they were made immune by it,but no one called them wussies because only the most stout could survive some of the crap the endured,literally.
He made sense to me in his comic video because he'd mentioned that the only time he wore a mask was on Halloween so that the neighbors couldn't tell who it was,lighting bags of poop afire ringing doorbells and running and that the only time he ever got sick was when his doctors said he needed a shot for vaccination against some unknown or unheard of garbage that no one he ever knew of dying from was other than maybe the kids on the milk carton boxes that turned up mysteriously decades later after admitted vaccines were found to cause memory loss in random unannounced patients.

He also admitted that the only time he ever washed his hands was when after he'd poop on them,which,he mumbled he'd usually only done a few times a week.

I had an occasion to meet an official "Lady of the Night" or " Call girl" once while deliberately (out of sheer curiosity) visiting Henderson,Nevada., notorious nationally acclaimed "Brothel house" city of America's USA. [yes there's another "Usa" and it's deliberate,in the Orient] Well sir, the lovely female at hand approached me and asked how I was doing and would I like a 'date'? I replied,no Thank you raisins aren't my thing...she walked away baffled looking so I shrugged my shoulders and approached the front desk,per se'...the guy behind the desk asked me to wait said he'd be right back,so I did because I was only window shopping the place any-who... welp, along comes this fancy looking howdy doodiesh looking sucker seeking some fun and looks around,see's no desk man or business folk of the place,glares at me,then asks me,do you work here? I retorted,uh hell no,I'm a man.I'm not like that! He blinked rapidly,then looked right at me and said,uhm,no I meant are you employed here? To which I replied,No,sir,I'm a shopper,like yourself, and smiled. He blinked and a vacant look came over his face as he said,oh shoot,and to think that I only wanted to know something simple from the staff here,too!
I asked him,are you looking for a whore or a slut or a call girl for a trick?
He uttered,oh No! I wanted to know which one is the oldest in the records,I'm a
researcher. So I replied,in other words,you want to know which trick is the oldest in the book?! And he hiccuped then burped and giggled as my eyes fluttered,we both laughed at my automatic but unplanned response and as I walked away I said well sir,I think that would depend upon the brothel one is in and floor they are on.See Ya' dude!- him- &

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb must want to change.

Where do birds go to get drunk?
The Crowbar.

What happened to the woman who wore a checkered nightgown?
She moved once and he jumped her twice.

I woke up with skin all over me.

I have a bone in my leg.

I guess I'll be waiting till midnight for tomorrow to get here.

My wife cooked liver and onions for the kids, but she didn't tell them what it was. My kids now ask for clues and my wife said "it's dad favourite, my kids screamed.......
it's ***** don't eat it.

thank you

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

LOL reading these jokes makes my day a little brighter