Well thanks anyway, was just a joke that made me think of my ex
Cooly

Brian and Cindy Blossom were about to have their first wedding anniversary and Cindy wanted to do something special. She decided to get a tattoo because Brian thought they were very sexy. She goes to the tattoo parlor and can't decide on a design, so she decides to get Brian's initials BB tattooed on her ass. She gets a B on each cheek. She goes home and waits for Brian to come home. When she hears his car pull into the driveway, she drops her pants bends over and grabs her ankles making her new tattoo the first thing he sees when he walks in. The door opens, her husband walks in and with an angered look on his face he yells

"WHO THE H*LL IS BOB?"

Here's to the girl that I kissed last.
She didn't kiss slowly nor did she kiss fast.
But she kissed so long and she kissed so sweet.
She made things stand that had no feet.

Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will.
I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.
And that is?
In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.
The lawyer seemed puzzled. Why make such an unusual request?

Mr. Sams answered,

Because I want someone to be sorry I died.

guardian angel'
Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, 'stop! If you take one more step, you will be killed. The woman stopped and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.
A minute later or two, she was ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed 'halt! Don't cross the street now'. An out-of-control beer truck soon screeched around the corner and didn't even slowdown as it ran the red light. Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "who are you?"
'I am your guardian angel' replied the voice. 'And I imagine you have some questions for me"

'You bet I do', the woman said.

'Where were you on my wedding day?'

yep but only if there's something saweeton them

Thanks ya'll
Cooly

Two farmers walking through a field; one stoop down and dips his finger in some cow dung and rubs it across his lips. The second farmer asks him why he did such a disgusting thing. The first one replies, I have chapped lips!'. The second one asks him, does it make them better?' He replies,'

No! But it stops you from licking them!'

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh! I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Thanks Pete and polarice girl, good to see ya'll
Cooly

thanks polson, just been really busy, work and all
But I'm back
Cooly

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.

"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"

"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza

After receiving the bad news from a visit to the doctor that he had only a year to live, this fellow was seeking advice from his pastor on what to do. In response the pastor replied, First I find a 1960 mobile home without air conditioning in the middle of a swamp in south Georgia, next I would buy a 1962 Dodge pickup with 178,000 miles on it, last I would find the meanest, bossiest swamp woman I could find and marry her. Frankly ask the sick man " How will this extend the last year of my life?"Well it won't extend your life, replied the pastor.

" It will just seem like eternity

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said,

'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Thanks Ya'll
Cooly

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"

So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"

thanks May and john
and Robert, wow, thanks ya'll
Cooly

A young girl was very much interested in the progress of her mother's pregnancy. Finally the day of birth drew near and the girl overheard arrangements being made for her mother to go to the hospital. She looked at her mother with great puzzlement and said,
Mom, I don't understand. If they're going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?

Joe pilled up a stool in his favorite bar and announced, My wife, Lorry, must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? The bartender asked.
Last week, Joe explained, I had to take a couple of day from work.
Lorry was so happy to have me around that every time the milkman and the mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering,
My old man's home! My old man's home!

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

On your left are 3 Ostriches. On your right is a herd of gazelles being chased by a lion.
In front of you are 4 deer. Behind you are 5 stampeding horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Get off the Merry-Go-Round!