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The wrestling coach is getting the team ready for the State Championships.
The smallest and weakest wrestler was nervous about the competition. The coach tells him not to worry. "I know you haven't won a single match all year, but by the time you wrestle, we should be so far ahead it won't matter if you lose." So, the team goes out on the floor and after all but the last match, they are in a dead heat tie for the lead. The last match was to determine the state title. The coach pulls his wrestler aside and tells him, "I know you have never won a match, and he has never lost a match, but try and stay away from him and maybe nobody will get any points. And no matter what you don't let him get you in the "pretzel hold". No one has ever gotten out of it." The wrestler said, he would stay away. The two wrestlers squared off in the centre of the mat. The referee blew his whistle and in less then 3 seconds, he has him in the pretzel hold. The coach throws his arms up in the air and starts to walk off the floor. All of a sudden the home town crowd jumps to their feet and start cheering and yelling. The coach turns around and the referee is standing there holding his wrestler's arm up in the air, and the other wrestler is laying on the floor. The coach starts jumping up and down and hugging his wrestler, and asks "How the hell did you get out of the pretzel hold?" The kid looks at him and says, "Well, when he got me in the pretzel hold, I thought I was done for. Then I opened my eyes and all I could see were two testicles dangling down in front of my face. So I reached out and bit them as hard as I could. And, you know something coach? It's amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own balls."   
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He's still making an impact in the world.
They're using recycled bits of him as plastic bullets in Egypt.
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Topic:
WARNING......
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sat 06/29/13 06:26 AM
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Any person and/or institution and/or Agent and/or Agency of any US/UK/AUSTRALASIA/EUROPEAN/AFRICAN (Pretty much covers the entire globe), governmental structure including but not limited to the Federal Government also using or monitoring/using this website or any of its associated websites.
You do NOT have my permission to utilize any of my profile information nor any of the content contained herein including, but not limited to my photos, and/ or the comments made about my photo’s or any other “picture” art posted on my profile. You are hereby notified that you are strictly prohibited from disclosing, copying, distributing, disseminating, or taking any other action against me with regard to my profile and the contents herein. The foregoing prohibitions also apply to your employee(s), agent(s), student(s) or any personnel under your direction or control. The contents of my profile are private and legally privileged and confidential information, and the violation of my personal privacy is punishable by law. JUST SAYING!!!! 
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Topic:
FUNNY TWO LINE RHYMES..
Edited by
uk1971
on
Sat 06/22/13 03:16 PM
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Four lines works as well......
I love you in your morning dress I love you in your nightie But when the moonlight flits across your bits  Oh Jesus Christ Almighty.!!!!!! 
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Topic:
REAL LIFE ZOOLANDER
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I always enjoy reading the comments that ppl post after an article!  So do I. In fact I just posted there. 
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Had I known then what I know now, I would NEVER have started smoking.
I had heart surgery last year and am STILL not fully fit. I stopped smoking after my doctor laughed at me when he asked if I was still smoking. THAT was all I needed to make me see the light. From 30 a day to ZERO..........IMMEDIATELY Word to the wise.... If you are trying to quit, PLEASE see it through. Just remember WILLPOWER leads to a healthier life. It also saves you money!!! Need more info on how I managed to quit? Feel free to email me...............NO CHARGE  |
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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.' 
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Topic:
The Male Perspective
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We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules Please note these are all numbered “1 ON PURPOSE! 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it Don’t try to change that 1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! JUST SAY IT! 1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do sympathy is what your girlfriends are for 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days 1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done Not both If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself 1. Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during commercials 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle 1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear 1. When we have to go some where, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really 1. Don t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars 1. You have enough clothes 1. You have too many shoes 1.1 am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. If you are so good at so called 'Multi Tasking', Then there is nothing stopping you from having sex when you have a headache. 
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As we arrived at our hotel and started unpacking, I said to my new blonde girlfriend:
"Why the hell is your suitcase full of gloves?" She said, "You told me it was hand luggage only." 
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Topic:
England v Scotland
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Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair". Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent". "OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap! The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" !
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Edited by
uk1971
on
Fri 06/07/13 01:03 PM
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THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types... Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status… So to sum it up:- VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.
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Topic:
England v Scotland
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A Scottish Jew, who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St.Andrews Golf Club.
He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went to find out why, and he was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock." "Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish, you must be circumcised." "Aye I am that". " Well we don't want anyone hanging around with us that is circumcised." "Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!".
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It was posted as a lighter outlook on they way many men perceive what ladies put on their profiles want.
Many men post similar things when they set a profile up! Invariably, as one ages, ones needs and opinions change. As for myself, MY get up and go saddled up and trotted into the wide blue yonder recently, And it would now take me all night to do what I USED to DO all night! Guess I've just mellowed. Never thought I'd be one of the 'Pipe and Slippers' brigade. (Well. Slippers anyway. I don't smoke. lol
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Topic:
England v Scotland
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Fair play to Billy Connolly.
He turns 71 this year. Doesn't sound that impressive, Until you realise that's 497 in Glasgow years.
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 Not Really. Just very rarely ever see that particular emoticon used. |
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Topic:
HELP!!!!
Edited by
uk1971
on
Mon 06/03/13 01:33 AM
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A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute.
So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he thinks to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I’m a goner!” Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m done for.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?” The other man replies, as he passes by continuing upwards, equally concerned, “Nope! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
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Craving
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Topic:
England v Scotland
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As I said previously. England will ALWAYS be better than Scotland.....PERIOD!!!!!
The one main fault about Scotland???? Scotland itself!!!
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Topic:
England v Scotland
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Seen on road signs entering Scotland......
Abandon hope all Ye who enter here. You are now entering Scotland........No salads for two hundred miles!!! Visitors are reminded to set their watches back 25 years  |
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