For those who say you need experience to be in a relationship, can you explain to me why? I never really understood it, and I still don't. However, the preference reminds me of a movie starring Eddie Murphy called "Coming to America". Basically, he goes to find a wife, but the dad encourages him to go there to get experience before marriage. Ironically, he finds himself a bride who happens to be his first and only lover.

Let's look at it from another perspective. Say you meet the man/woman of your dreams, but he/she says that you should break up because you had no experience with romance in the past. He/She likes just about everything else about you and you both seem compatible. However, the person just doesn't like the fact that he/she is your first lover. Does that sound weird to anyone else besides me?


The logic of lack of experience makes little to no sense. I would think the person having the chance to be your one and only lover to be more appealing, but in this day and age, it's all about how many partners you had.

In my honest opinion, if I knew a girl who had 1000 lovers up to this point, I would think she sucks at love as opposed to being an expert at it. If she failed at securing a lover the first 1000 times, what makes her think she'll do ok with me? That's just how I look at it anyways.

Anyways, to conclude this rant/debate, I just want to point out that parenting is 100% harder than dating. But guess what? Everyone is a beginner when it comes to parenting when it's their time. The kid obviously can't pick and choose their parent based on experience, so it shouldn't be like that with dating either...

While I get your "1000 lovers" reference, I would make a comparison to what you do for a living.

When you have to train a new hire, intern or apprentice, you quickly learn there is no amount of words that can replace real experience.

That does NOT mean your lack of experience in relationships is a disqualifier, tbh, having read a few of your posts, I think you'll meet someone nice, don't let this topic become reason for you to settle for someone you're not comfortable with.

I could never figure that out ether. A friend of mine has a favorite quote-

"I'll let you make your own mistakes."

It fits quite well in dating. Most women never knew I considered being divorced once tossed up caution flags to me. Add a couple times over in divorces, I might back away from them altogether. I went out with one that was shopping for No.6, that was one and done for me.

I never dated all that much anyway. If women want to be that petty, and not give me a chance, then I really don't have too much time for them.

You meet someone, you usually cock it up one way or another, you learn from it.
Maybe you weren't what they imagined or they weren't like you imagined, and by the time you've worked it all out the whole concern has gone **** up. painful lesson to learn. painful to watch someone else learn it. but it's how you learn to accept people as they are and not try and make them into what you want them to be.
or even worse try to be what you think they want you to be and cock it up that way.

these are the sort of experience that people allude to. it's a complicated and ongoing process of emotional development or emotional intelligence if you like.
hope my rant helps.

Funny how you compare dating to getting a job. In regards to the three I have now, only one required that I have experience in the field. The one that does require it, I only went to school for, which doesn't always count as "experience" in the field.

So while I get what you're saying, as well as how you also get what I'm saying, we seem to be just passing each other's points like two ships passing through the night. Don't get me wrong, I do feel having experience can be helpful if you didn't know what to look for in a mate, but after dating a few times and failing, you finally know what to look for in a partner. That much is helpful, but only towards yourself and your preference.

In any case, I appreciate your kind words in reference to my demeanor in the forums. I am meeting a few girls that seem to not care about my lack of experience. So, maybe I'll find someone out of that group. I guess I'll just have to see.

If you haven’t had good teachers, experience is overrated. And that doesn’t
require thousands, sometimes, it’s the one. You should honestly just go with
the flow. Building up the inexperience will just make you nervous and that
doesn’t always bode well. You got this!

In the minds of some, there seems to be an undefined deadline that certain first time experiences are expected to happen by to be considered normal. I think someone with this outlook becomes uncomfortable when encountering a person that doesn't meet that expectation. It may cause them to perceive the lack of experience as inferior or as a defect.

An inexperienced person might be more awkward at first, but even an experienced person has to learn how to satisfy the specific needs of a new partner.

I think a partner's experience matters more when you're older and less when you're younger. For me, it factors into compatibility. I'm 50 years old. I think if I dated someone who has never been married/had no experience raising children, we wouldn't match up well. We'd be in two different places in our lives. Furthermore, we learn from our past relationships. We learn how to compromise with someone, we learn what we are willing to tolerate, we learn patience, we learn how to love someone in the way they need to be loved, rather than in the way we think they need to be loved. We make a skadillion mistakes with a partner and we grow from them. We gain wisdom from past relationships. I'd prefer that a partner had that similar wisdom. That's not to say that mismatched experience levels could never work, but for me, it would probably come into play.

Brian, you seem like a really cool guy. I think you would bring a lot to a relationship. There are a lot of ladies who are looking for what you have to offer. You'll find the right one.

Your OP makes me think you are trying to date the wrong people or are 'dating' for the sole purpose of 'dating'.
There are people who do that...

If you are looking for someone to start a loving, meaningful relationship these things which you feel are a great concern won't be an issue, maybe not even in their head.

How you conduct yourself when you are with them and how you are with them is going to be much more important to building the relationship than a resume.
M2's Dating and Relationships forums constantly focuses on how to build a healthy relationship with someone. Very few threads even mention experience let alone focus on it.
Mostly its about how you make them feel when they are with you.
You don't need experience to be honest and sincere with someone.
You do need good moral fiber and emotional control.
Things which life teaches you normally.

In work, experience teaches you routine. You learn how to do things depending on the task at hand.

In relationships, everyone you meet is unique. You can't gain 'experience' to date a specific person. This is because what works with one may not work for all. You have to be adaptive and flexible.

I'm 60 years old.
I don't do 'dates' as most people classify them.
Mainly we go do something together. No pressure, naturally.
I act according to how I feel while also considering the fact the other is a unique individual who may or may not feel as I do. I adapt to the focus at hand.
I treat them with dignity and respect. I speak and act with honesty. I show interest when I am interested. If not, I respectfully bow out.
I act naturally according to my own nature. This allows their beauty to shine thru to my eyes. I try to see the person they really are without placing my expectations of who I want them to be in the way.

Seems to me, you are choosing the wrong people to date.
That is unless you want to date a shallow, self-centered person.

I agree with 90% of what you said. The 10% is a misunderstanding on your part. I rarely get a response back from the ones who I am truly attracted to. The ones that are attracted to me first and reach out to me are the ones that are getting on my nerves. They probably look at my profile pic and think I'm some kind of casanova or something. So when we get down to talking and getting to know each other, their discouraged because I'm a Noob at romance. It all starts out great, until I tell them I have no experience with relationships. I don't go to them, they come to me and get let down. I just wanted to clear that up for you. Thanks for your input.

Ok, that actually makes sense. But only because you already have children. However, even then, I'd assume that you and the person you dated at one point were first time parents. Knowing what you know now about parenting, would you trust your past self who knew nothing of parenthood to raise a child? If so, why not give someone with no experience an equal opportunity to build that experience? If not, then what method would it take to gain experience in such an important life changing regimen?

The reason I ask is because in my previous point made about this topic, I pointed out that parenting and dating are like day and night. You seem to be combining the two, which is a valid argument to an extent. The flaw is that the partner you chose to raise those children with was most likely a beginner and had to learn as he went along.


My first date was one year ago, she had kids already, but I let her know that it wasn't a deal breaker. The date went great and I even went out of my way to buy presents for her and the kids. We made plans to see each other again, but I guess my inexperience in the customs of dating turned against me here. I never called her back, I wanted to see if she would call back, but she never did. Before I could get a chance to call her back, it seemed like it would've been too awkward to do that, so I chose not to. I learned my lesson in that sense, but if I was never given a chance in the first place, I would've made the same mistake with my future date.

So yeah, guys, don't get it twisted when I say experience shouldn't be a factor. I do feel it is important to have when something goes wrong with one attempt at romance, but I feel it should never be a means to decide whether someone is worth your time or not.

It's not that difficult: a relationship is basically where you find out more about yourself. You learn what you need in a relationship, what you do not want and do want, how to go about it, to work together as a team, communicating so you're on the same level, and to compromise when need be.
You learn all that in a relationship. That's why it's helpful to have a GF or BF during teenage years or adolescence when you're also in the process of finding about about you & life. A relationship goes a step further: you and another person and life.

Not having been there yet doesn't have to be a problem, but it depends how mature one truly is. In other words, how much development have you gone through in life. Can you empathize, communicate clearly -which includes listening and being open to the wishes and needs of the other-, commit, have the intention to create a lasting healthy relationship with another person, and so on and so forth.

It can be a challenge, especially when someone is a bit older, as there's a higher chance they're very much about 'me me and me' since they never learnt to work together as a team with the intention to make it last and live happily ever after.

I'd not be very eager either to get involved with someone who's never been in a relationship because of aforementioned reasons.
And then there's also the question: why have they never been involved?

Seems to me you are shooting yourself in the foot.
Its actually YOU who is making an issue of your experience (according to your own statement). They are merely responding to what you tell them.

In any kind of courtship/dating scenario, self-confidence plays a huge part in how you are accepted. Your experience hang-up comes across as an attempt to pre-permit excuses.
Its like you telling them...

"I have no experience with relationships so if I am a jerk or treat you bad you should forgive me because I told you."

Most people don't want someone with hang-ups or excess baggage.


Seems to me you are falling into the online dating sinkhole.
You expect your match to come to you.
You should be searching for your match instead of waiting for them to find you.
In just under a month, you expect a high success rate from little effort.
This is a free dating/social site. There are plenty of scammers and cheats (report/block/ignore).
Finding the right ONE out of the huge selection pool is not going to be easy.
It takes time and effort on your part and you will be unsuccessful most of the time.

As time progresses you will realize what I mean.
YOU search for YOUR match so you find the one person right for you.
Use the tools the site offers you.

Your profile, use it correctly. Use the profiles of the ones you are interested in knowing better correctly too.

Set your mail filters. Figure out the limits of specific stats which meet your interest and stick to them.

Search only within your specific preferences. Ignore all others.

Pay attention to search results which indicate a currently active profile.
There won't be a response if that person hasn't been online lately.

Use the built in message system until both of you decide to take it off site.
Beware the ones who want you to use off-site messaging right away, they are usually fishing for your info.

You are young so learn patience and perseverance. Figure out what it is you want and don't settle for less. Beware of liars and cheats. Stop sabotaging your own efforts. Pay attention to all the details, not just the ones in capital letters. Read between the lines.
Be proactive instead of reactive.

STOP SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT!

I have 4 children.
When my first was born, we had no experience raising our children BUT...

Both of us saw others raise theirs.
We asked many questions of people who already were raising theirs.
We both read lots of material on caring for a child.

Tho we possessed no first hand experience, we still managed to do a good job.

What we didn't do is make excuses or look for pre-forgiveness for any possible future mistakes.
Yes, we made some mistakes but we learned from them.
Yes, at times it was scary but we stuck with it thru thick & thin.

When our children had children, we offered guidance and gave support.
Something we didn't have.

The difference between raising a child and having a relationship is the fact failure in raising a child can be life or death. At worst, a relationship failure merely means you need to try again or be lonely.

Don't be the guy who makes excuses.
Be the guy who overcomes obstacles and succeeds quietly.
In a relationship, sharing fears is something you do AFTER the trust is established, not when you first contact each other.

Brian just be you. Experience is NOT a marker you should worry about. Finding the one your looking for, get to know them. This is most important.
When you find the right one you will know it. When that time comes, just go with it. It will be fine. Your true partner will only want it to be you and won't care about experience. Saving yourself for the one is quite honorable. Nothing wrong with that at all.
Sex is an emotional connection that has become so strong you feel the need to express it on a physical level.
Most people have forgotten that sex is not a satisfying moment or a stress reliever. It is truly made as a connecter, strengthing the bond between those involved. I think those who choose their first experience have forgotten why they choose to.
Don't allow others to make you believe that you have to do it several times with others who mean nothing to you as a form of practice to learn how to share it with the one. That's BS.
The one will want to learn with you. Believe me there is nothing like learning the partner you have and over time expressing those emotions through each other by touch, toys or what not. The experience is a fantasy like journey you won't want to miss.

There used to be a time when everyone waited and if they did decide to have sex that was or became there life partner.

Be your authentic honest self. Your life partner is waiting for you, just as your waiting for them. Don't settle for less because the world has forgotten.

Actually, the man I had children with already had a child (now my step-daughter) and so had more experience than I did. In that case, I would have preferred that he'd had the same experience I did. I wish we'd had her together, and had both been beginning parents at the same time. I understand your point, but I don't see parenting in its singularity as being comparable to having overall experience with dating. I only mentioned it briefly as one facet of life experience.

I have to ask, are you certain that's why the relationship didn't work out? Did she actually tell you that?

Well, what do you expect me to do when they ask me what my dating history is like, lie? I'm not the type to deliberately tell a lie if someone asks me for an honest answer. I don't bring up my dating history (or lack of one) unless someone asks me how much experience I have.





I know that last line I said may have been misleading, but I don't expect a match to come to me at all. I use this site properly by going through the search list and finding those that are close in my area and am attracted to. That's why I said in that first line, that the people I actually do want to get to know rarely ever respond back when I show interest by giving a basic greeting.


Thanks for your advice nonetheless. Much appreciated.

Not she they. It's happened to me 5 different times when I was trying to get to know someone. Sometimes, they'll outright say they are looking for someone with experience, other times they'll just ignore me after I answer how much experience I have at dating. The one date I had last year was a screw up on my part. I didn't reach back to her because I was hoping she'd be the one to follow up.

There was one other girl I met that was obsessed with money and investing. She obviously made more money than all my three jobs put together, but she had a hard time understanding certain English phrases. In the end, I had to break it off with her because there was an obvious language barrier, and all she ever wanted to talk about was investing.

As an update, I am talking to a woman from here who seems like someone I could date indefinitely. She knows I'm inexperienced, because she asked me at some point how many people I've dated in the past. Not only can she tolerate my inexperience, but she thinks its cool. I'm taking my time getting to know her and vice versa. So far, she seems like a good match for me. She lives in Africa which is perfect considering I am planning on moving there within 3-4 years once my startup company makes revenue. Otherwise, I'll just take over the family business and raise a family here in the U.S. It's a last resort, but at least I have options.

Thank you to everyone who replied and gave me extra insight on this issue that's been on my mind ever since I got my foot in the door with romance. Best of luck to everyone pursuing a relationship, I wish nothing but the best for you guys.


https://www.imagebam.com/view/ME4PQ5I

I don't expect anything.

What gets me is the fact the subject comes up at all?
I've dated enough 'new' women and in my younger days, girls, and never once has dating experience ever been a subject for discussion.

Eventually, after we actually have a relationship, we talk about our romantic history a lil but never in an assessment, judgemental way.

Perhaps, and no I am not being prejudicial, it might be a cultural protection nuance? Perhaps the ones you talk with have been burned too many times in the past? If this is the actual reason, it means you must try that much harder to break the stereotype. Again, I'm not saying this is the case, just food for thought...

You seem like a nice person, worthy of knowing. You obviously have an education and can control yourself. Someone who has personal issues from the past may not be able to see the good you. Their sight is clouded with nightmares of others.

Your best course of action would be to cut the losses and move on to the next potential candidate. Using online dating sites are hit or miss most of the time. Sometimes even the possible positive results can turn out bad. I used multiple dating sites and screened hundreds of women, even dated a few, before my gf and I found each other here. Even that took almost two years.

There are a lot of no responses, a lot of near misses and some actual letdowns. Ya just gotta keep looking and trying if you really want to find someone. You also must search in the real world just as diligently.
Sometimes you need to adjust your preferences a lil.
Sometimes you gotta adjust your attitude a lil.
Sometimes you gotta look where you haven't considered looking.
Most of all, you gotta be patient and stay focused on the task at hand, despite those that try to tear you down.

Perhaps the response to queries about your dating experience should be met with a deferral. Just tell them "that's a discussion for another time, after you get to know me better". This way you are not lying and when you do talk about it and she already knows you as the man you are.

Try to remember:
If you make poor choices in life you get poor results from life.
If you make wise choices in life you get rich results from life.
Always - Choose Wisely