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| Topic: another Joke | |
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Funny
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever? Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?” Lmbo |
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My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keep trying to break us apart!!
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." |
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Too funny
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Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbors apple tree. They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way home from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.” He immediately sobered-up and ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest. “Father, please, come with me. Come and witness God and satan sharing corpses at the cemetery!” They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.” Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: “What about the two at the gate?” You’ve never seen 2 people running so fast!! Hahahahahaha!!!! |
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F
 UNNY
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Funny
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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size. But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday"🤣🤣🤣 |
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Vere Funtoos
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Funny
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Pepito accompanied his parents to a cousin's wedding. When the bride passed by all dressed in white, Pepito asked: why is the bride dressed in white? to which the mother replied: because it is the happiest day of her life! then Pepito noticed the groom at the altar dressed in black… and Pepito asked: hmmm and why then is the groom dressed in black?…
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Funny
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A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza...
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have. GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza! GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How do you know that? GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law! CALLER: WHAT THE !!! GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...🤣 |
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A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza... CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have. GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza! GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How do you know that? GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law! CALLER: WHAT THE !!! GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...藍 F UNNY That's why I don't trust myself 
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F UNNY That's why I don't trust myself 🤣
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A grandmother passes by the room of her granddaughter and listens to her: 1,2,3,4. 1,2,3,4 then curious, she opens the door and asks the granddaughter, what was she doing? the granddaughter replies that she was doing exercises to harden her breasts. the next day the granddaughter passes by the grandmother's room and listens to her: 1…2…3…4, 1…2…3…4. Curious, she opens the door and finds the grandmother throwing her right breast over her shoulder: 1… returning it with her right foot: 2… she throws her left breast over her shoulder: 3… and she returns it with her left foot: 4!
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The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably. "I'm sure we´ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table." "Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby. |
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An old man accidently crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.” The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!” The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner. Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins"  
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