no apologies... precisely... my take too...

Right now it okay to say I love you to my house. I had abandoned it for what I thought was the one true love. Geographical cures have seldom worked for me. This last time was really no different except I learned a lot. The soft and easier way seldom works has been my experience. I really don't think she was demented or me for that matter. It simply didn't work out. So we both had to cut ties with each other. I am thinking about getting a pet, again. That worked for a long time. At this point I am jaded.

It spooks me out if someone tells me he loves me early-on. (When we've haven't known each other very long.) Red flags go up for me...It seems like a trap. As in: "I told you that I love you and now you owe it to me to love me back!" YUK!.. Talk about high-powered manipulation and pressure!..I think it's best to wait until a relationship has a strong foundation and it's obvious that both partners want "more."

I hear you clearly, trout... I too love the constant and security of my home and my dog, Hammer... in these two entities I know I am more secure than depending on someone else who I am pretty sure is just as set in his ways as I am at my age. My years of daring, risk taking, are behind me, and now I just look forward to the rest of them unfolding the way they will. There's no longer a desire in me to try and direct them, only to accept them. And if I'm lucky enough to get one last chance at a lasting relationship, then I'll make room in my life for that possibility too. Sorry to hear your last attempt didn't work out well, I wish you better luck in your future..

A trap.. that’s exactly the way it feels when it’s too early… and I love the way you define that with… "I told you that I love you and now you owe it to me to love me back!" YUK!.. not only that, but the ulterior motives start pinging in my head… like, he barely knows me, so what else does he want… that he thinks I’ll give up with just the right cajoling… NOT!!!

You’re right on the money too.. only with a strong foundation can two move forward to the next level…

AthenaRose....I get nervous if someone goes overboard with excessive compliments early-on too..How do you feel about it? A few compliments here and there are nice (and appreciated) if they seem sincere...My Mom used to accuse people of trying to "butter her up" (or manipulate her) if someone "shot" non-stop compliments at her.. She did it in a friendly and playful way but she got her point across just the same...I don't want to be "swooped-up" and taken for a "ride." I don't want to be indebted or beholden to anyone either..I become suspicious when someone tells me he loves me early-on. Or when a man tries to shower me with "flattery" and excessive compliments when it just doesn't seem appropriate or truly sincere. How do you feel about it? Thanks for responding.

IF YOU DO NOT MEAN IT.

Hi GreenEyes... seems like you and me and your mom, we have similar value systems... because she’s right about the brown nose-in… except, the excessive compliments right at the starting gate don’t make me nervous, it’s actually a turn off, because it's not original, and doesn’t take any effort on the man’s part just to quote a few lines from their standard play book. However, since I came online a few months ago, I’ve discovered that old fashioned values for the most part aren’t appreciated anymore. And I feel like a dinosaur in that I’ve been out of circulation for the last 2 decades, and men’s expectations seems to have changed drastically. Apparently, they now expect women to contact them first, to spend our money communicating with them, and one even asked to borrow money from me. But, I come from the generation when men were men, women were women, and we have our respective roles that we knew the unspoken rules to follow. So, I am not the aggressor, I do not contact men first even if I’m interested because it goes against my personal belief system. And, if the men that contact me don’t have similar values as me, then I don’t waste either of our time by trying to become more acquainted. We can’t change people to be what we want them to be, and I accept people for how they are, so, if I see we don’t have much in common we just remain social. Sure, I’m not hip or trendy, and have probably let Mr. Right slip thru my fingers several times, but I’m not going to change my basic nature to meet a man, because then I would have to continue compromising myself if we connected. And, for a man to catch my attention from first contact he has to stand out. He has to show me the depth of his interest with his opening lines, if he doesn’t, there’s no point in wasting either of our time by returning his email. This is a dating site, and we’re all here making friends, while also thinking that perhaps we’ll find that special someone we will really click with and can take our friendship to the next level. Well, getting to know each other is so much easier when we have our profiles to introduce ourselves, and then we also have the forums where we can interact. So, the way I see it, if a man is interested in me, he will have already done his research on the site to find out what makes me tick, and if he writes, he will also have joined the boards to interact with me himself, that way his first contact will be meaningful to us both. Of course, even if we don’t have prior contact before his first approach, I would expect him to have already gotten to know enough about me, that he won’t waste his own time by making a lame contact that he’ll suspect I will ignore anyway. Furthermore, I can really appreciate what you said… “I don't want to be "swooped-up" and taken for a "ride." I don't want to be indebted or beholden to anyone either..” I’ve been driving my own life for so long, and have reached the level of security that is not at its peak, but it makes me feel comfortable enough to where I don’t have any expectations, or desires to swap drivers at this stage. And, before I have to submit to another’s rule or dominance, which might be contrary to my own, just to reach a deeper level of comfort, I will do without. My beholden days are behind me, and that’s where they’ll stay.. Well, GreenEyes, I know I’ve provided you with much more detailed answers to your questions, even adding some as a bonus, but I figure why not, while we’re on the subject. This way, we can get to know each other better too.

Hello, oldsage... since starting this thread and receiving so many different responses, it has really made me think deeper on the subject. And your simple response says so much. "If we don't mean it"...

I think now that we actually have different levels of love that we can express. Whether it's on the friendship level, which would be just a casual love, but still love, to the other extreme, a much deeper love that is committed and undeniable... and due to the various quality as apposed to quantity, how can it ever be wrong to express... unless of course, it's under duress... just my own furthering thoughts...

I have to agree with this..it is manipulation and pressure, even if the person saying it doesn't mean it that way..it becomes so stressful it's hard to handle. The two people are always at odds on how to react to the other., especially if both do care for the other as friends, but one may not care for the other in the same " I love you, let's be together always..." way.

I don't think saying "I LOVE YOU" Is Wrong
Unless it is being used to manipulate or bring harm intentionally to someone else ?



KiK

"love thy neighbor"

Vivian, you couldn't have described it any better... "The two people are always at odds on how to react to the other"... this is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world... because it makes us want to run... and it usually ends the friendship too, because there's no going back... IMHO...

Aaahh, KiK, "love thy neighbor"... you make a valid point...

It is not wrong if you truely mean it!

Toodygirl...

idk... seems to me that some folks have different meanings of what love is and how they show/receive love.

To some it's the very romantacized version... something traditional. Long-term commitment is often envolved.
To other's it's something less traditional; very passionate and often short-lived.

Many people might say something akin to "love thy neighbor", but if they told the person living next door that they loved them... the neighbor would go run away.

Two people, with two very different but both equally valid definitions might confuse the other, no?
Expectations of "I thought that you loved me and this would last forever!" Versus expectations of, "I loved you very much then and still do today... but I'm seeing someone else right now; we're very happy together... I thought you understood that about me?"

I'd say... like I have before, "See everything, overlook a great deal, correct just a little.
Know yerself... learn the other. Make your choices.
Be true to yerself always... no matter how much it hurts.

Aaahh, I always enjoy your brain tease, T… how can love really be defined? and how can we really put limits on it? how do we mere mortals have the power to control it… it is what it is… we live it… we breathe it… it becomes us… it can be our armor… protecting us from harm… it can be our weakness… break us with its charm… it can string us along… and we freely cling to it… it can make us want to die… and it can make us want to really LIVE… it can take… and it can give…

We are but pawns in the arms of love…

And yes… it can make us gloriously happy… and it can hurt us more than anything else on this earth…

I can only pray that if the gift of love finds me again one day, my heart will welcome everything that it knows goes along with the risk of accepting and returning it…

Not that I ever knew you... but you sound wiser today than you were in your youth.

I hope I have learned to master myself on this journey into the next life, into the unknown. I want to wake up content that I learned what I could and did the best with what I had to work with.

I'm sure that you did do the best that you could.

But if you're a Master of yerself nowadays... I might Google ya' to take lessons.